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This week: If It Isn't One Thing--it's the Mother! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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If it isn't one thing, it's the mother! It's especially relevant if you happen to be the mother of WebWitch! This Newsletter is going to touch on those little idiosyncrasies of Web-Mom. Curious? Read on... |
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter.  By now, you've gotten to know WW's sense of humor. It spans all types of subject matter. I guess it could be safe to say that nothing escapes the long neck of the Web-Broom's reach. Then, there is Web~Witch's mother who can blurt out the most inappropriate things at the most inopportune times.
How do I describe my mother? Well, she's an eighty-five year-old, (next month) seasoned citizen, with the gift of gab and wit that can hit an unsuspecting person completely out of the blue. No one understands that more than dear Web-Lock, when the first time he took us out to lunch, she barked. I'm serious about that, she looks at the waitress and makes this woof-woof noise and the poor, overworked dear had to register the fact that she must want a doggy bag.
WL turns to me and asks, "Did I hear your mother bark? I mean, I know I'm nearly completely deaf, but I'm sure my hearing aid picked up this barking noise."
"Yes, WL, it is true. She wants a doggy bag."
While the waitress leaves for the kitchen to grab a couple take-away containers, my mother inquires if we are going to eat the bread rolls brought to our table and do we mind if she grabs those little paper cups of coleslaw that we haven't seemed to touch, throughout the meal.
"You can have them, Mom."
"And those onion rings left in the appetizer basket, are you going to take them with you? I'd hate to see them go to waste!"
However, that's not much of an issue. She loves to have left-overs and we are happy to oblige. But, you don't want to take your eyes off her when she heads toward the Ladies' room, because chances are -- yup, you got it, she finds her way into the Men's room. 
Her story when she got back to the table went something like this:
"You aren't going to believe this, but when I got out of the stall, I saw a man walking into the Ladies' room. I looked straight at him, so as to not let him think he was intimidating me in any way and told him, 'Uhh, uhh, uhhhhh! You are in the Ladies' room!'"
"Really Mom?"
"Yes it's true!"
"But then he looks at me with this smirk and tells me that I'm in the Men's room! I know better though and stood my ground. He then told me to look at all of those urinals lined up on the wall. I told him that means nothing in this day and age. The management could be planning to turn this into one of those experimental, uni-sex bathrooms."
"The guy said, 'Lady, you are wrong!' But I just left him standing there. He'll figure it out when the next lady walks in while he's doing his business."
"Web-Mom, which door did you enter, off that hallway?"
"I used the second one, at the end of the hall."
"Uh, Mom, that is the Men's room."
"Well, you'd think they'd mark them better in this place!"
"So, the picture of the guy on the door wasn't a give-away?"
"I guess I'd better get some new glasses, then!"
Recently, WL and I went for lunch at WM's house. She filled Web-Lock's bowl full of seafood chowda and watched as he took bite after glorious bite. She then, interjects, "how is that chowda, WL?"
The dear man answers, "this is just wonderful!!"
She then responds, "Don't talk with your mouth full!"
"Wow. Mom, great little trap you've got there! You ask him to speak and then you yell at him for speaking with food in his mouth."
He was bound to lose that one. Either he says nothing and hurts her feelings or says something and risks getting chastised for speaking with his mouth full. And, folks, she really loves Web-Lock!  I guess it's just a mischievous streak that hits her sometimes.
Web-Mom, gotta love her! When I lived in California, she came for a visit. We took her to visit Hollywood, and included a tour of the actors' homes. Well my mother thought that was the greatest gift she could ever receive. She has been starstruck since she was a young girl. She collected autographed pictures and cut out magazine articles of her favorite movie stars. So, when she actually drove by the home of Lucille Ball and saw the orange tree that was used in one of the episodes, she just got so flabbergasted.
"Stop the mini-van, stopppppppppp! I need a picture right there in front of the wall with the orange tree hanging over it!"
"What do you mean? We cant's stop!"
"Of course we can. Do any of the rest of you on this tour want to get a picture in front of I Love Lucy's home? "
Great! A mini-van riot! Thanks, Mom!
We took her to the Mission, San Juan Bautista, where Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo had some scenes. She was thrilled to have her picture taken right on the property until she realized it was situated right on the San Andreas fault line.  She said she'd never live in California because she is deathly afraid of earthquakes. Oh, it's not the damage and destruction one of those tremors could cause; it's the fact that all that shaking and rolling is sure to send the rats and mice running -- all over her! And if there's anything she fears more than earthquakes, it's rodents!
"Ma, this place is right on the fault, it's more than two-hundred years-old and is still standing. I think if there is going to be an earthquake, this is the safest place to be." She was not amused. 
She also went into the church where "Sister Act" was filmed.
"Oh, I can't believe I'm here. This is so much fun! Look, they even still say Mass, here!"
"Yes, WM, they still say Mass, here. In fact, we are right in the middle of the service. Perhaps we ought to use our inside voices for a while."
The thing I'll never forget, is the time we took her to Reno, Nevada. It was her first foray into a gambling joint. We got a couple hotel rooms and just let her go wild. She got to see her first stage show, that night, with the lovely dancers who were also half-naked.
"I'm really not impressed by this. Are all stage show dancers women? They barely have breasts. I mean, they've got to be anorexic!" (I must interject that my mother does not know how powerful loud, her voice is. Thank God for the two buckets of beer cover charge, minimum, because I definitely wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else at the time.)
"Here, Web-Mom, have another one of those drinks with the little umbrellas. I'm sure the dancers will start to look better to you." 
The next day we spent in the casinos. This hotel had one casino down stairs and a tunnel across the street to another casino. My mother got a bucket and a roll of nickels and disappeared into the haze of pasty white, senior citizens at the slot machines.
She so loved that place that on the day we were to check-out of the hotel, she gobbled down the ham & egg breakfast for $1.99, which was flashed in a neon sign outside the window of her room and headed for the casinos for a couple more hours of lady luck. Of course, she did mention that although the breakfast was very reasonable in cost, it was not so if you tried to order a second egg.
"It's that next egg that costs so much. I mean, how can you give a breakfast for $1.99 and charge three times as much for an extra egg? You might as well order two breakfast specials!"
Folks, I couldn't disagree with her on that reasoning.
Hours went by and we couldn't find WM anywhere. It was only after we totally searched the casino and she was nowhere to be found, that an employee suggested we might find her across the street. I told him she promised she wouldn't leave the hotel because we were checking out that day. He informed me about the passage way that goes under the street and if she should take an elevator up, she would be out of the hotel.
"Oh, great! We have another casino to search before we place a missing person's report.
Thankfully, we found her in the second casino. I told her we had to leave or the hotel would charge us beaucoup bucks for remaining in their parking garage.
She showed me her bucket of nickels and said she was on a roll and not ready to go.
Well, folks, I grabbed that demon bucket of change and started to run out of the casino.
Behind me, I could hear, "Stop, stop, give me back my bucket!"
I looked around the room and witnessed the coldest, baggy eyed, senior citizens, yelling at me and joining her in the chase. That movie about those zombies, flashed through my mind.
Phewwwwwwwww! I don't know how I got out of that one alive and still managed to get the car out of the parking garage before the penalty charge kicked-in.
All the way home, for several hours, all I heard was, "you stole my bucket, you stole my bucket!"
By the second hour I was saying, "get me a bucket!" 
It's a wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
WW |
So, what's eating you?
Perhaps a spoonful of sugar?!!
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saraivI'm so glad I'm starting to read the comedy newsletter.
First of all, Pigs can be pets. They are great animals to have around the house. Personally, I just believe you're jealous that they are more cultured than you are. 
Great Newsletter, Web Witch. Seriously, great.
Actually, until I see a pig wearing stilettos, I won't worry about it being more cultured than I.  Thanks so much for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the Newsletter.
KimChi 
Oh, my dear Webbie, you've inspired me to write about my own, lovable, WV coal-country family and the Wedding of all Weddings down in the holler. Comedy, um, coal?
Well, what's keepin' you from writing about this event down in the holler? I'd love to place it here on the Comedy Newsletter, so git writin' girl! 
DRSmith 
Hilarious holiday hoot'nanny, I'm sure...but after perusing your popular potbellied pig at a party piece... (say that 3 times), I'm curious where in KY? I'm in Lexington, and tho' a ton o' money here with palatial RE to back it, (race horses)... I do know of outta the way, down-home hogwallas where pappy is master at jug blowin' in perfect time to mama's thimblin' a warsh-board while Jr rattles the household's only two soup spoons... and not a collective set of teeth among 'em. Now that's a hoowee hoot'n'holla.
Well, Dave, there wasn't a superb jug blowin' musician there, but there was an almost Step-Pappy-to- be, singin' and dancin' to the great all time hit, "They're Coming to Take Me Away!" Always a pleasure to hear from you!
Joy 
Hilarious, WW!
I still have to grasp that family's exact ties, but then, Mensa puzzles may not be my thing.
Don't worry, Joy. I still need a cheat sheet on this family tree, relationship! Thanks for the feedback.
drjim
Gee whiz the wedding, that we drove 24 hours/non-stop to see them get married, was somehow out-jazzed by 20 assorted in-laws (or is it out-laws?!) who were some of the most hospitality-minded people on the planet! And since 2010 SUCKED so badly here in Mass, why not plan on spending months at a time with folks who, with all of Kentucky as a backdrop, could only offer us more of the same? My only disappointment on the drive home? Missing out on the 30 distilleries that beckoned to me from the Bourbon Trail, just seeking my time and consideration. Of course, this years Xmas was so much more efficient, despite others' continued objections. Its GREAT to avoid bear and coyote scat while waiting for WS to decide which of the 300 trees are most perfect for cramming into a small corner of the house! Oh yes, common sense rules! What's this... do I smell bacon cooking? In the meanwhile, I simply cant wait 'til WS's Wedding Day (LOL....not!) GREAT NL, WW!
Hiccup! WL, did you miss those distilleries? I swear I found one or two on that long drive back!
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
Thanks for another one of your 'Truth IS stranger than fiction' tales. The story of the poor frozen pig was made doubly funny by the flying pig image at the beginning of the NL. If the little guy had actually had wings, he could've made it through his piggy-door and not ended up as a pigsickle! Great NL -- can't wait for the next one.
-- Laura
Pigsickle!!! I love it!!! Icy pork on a stick! Just watch out for a killer, frozen pork on a stick, brain freeze!
rachie
I love to start my day with a great laugh.
Thank you
It was my pleasure to do so! Thanks for the feedback!!!
Comment via email:
Zaring
I just got off work after a horrible day! I opened my mail and read this first. I have to say I have never laughed so hard in my life. I got choked, cried...had to turn my laptop around for a few minutes while I recovered, and then started the whole process again.
I'm glad my wedding was in Indiana! haha... The wedding was in a beautiful church but the reception "hall" was in the middle of nowhere and we had to give similar directions. Let alone trying to decorate the place to make it reflect some sort of class, and ironically, in the front yard of the "hall" set a mobile home that served as a leasing office/home. Quite impressive!
Thanks so much to ending my day so humorously! Great read!
Zaring
I am so happy that I helped to make your horrible day end up humorous! It sounds like you have a story to tell about your Indiana wedding. Write it, post it and let me know. You may find it highlighted right here, soon!
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
WW
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Comedy: February 02, 2011 Issue [#4208]
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