  Spiritual
This week: Metamorphosis Edited by: Shannon  
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It's difficult to share very personal, painful experiences with others, especially complete strangers, but doing so might help someone else who's going through the same struggle.
No matter how agonizing it is when you're in it, it's comforting to know other people have been there before you. They survived. They overcame. They learned something. They grew as human beings, and that's what I'd like to talk about today.
Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. My name is Shannon and I'm your editor this week.
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“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~ Cynthia Occelli
Five years ago I experienced something I can only describe as a spiritual awakening. At the time I didn't know what it was, but it felt a whole lot like an emotional breakdown. All I knew then was for the first time in my life I was consumed by despair. I'd never felt so alone, so lost. I felt like I was dying inside, and it lasted for weeks.
Although I spoke briefly about my experience two and a half years ago in a previous newsletter ("Holy Now" ), I'd like to share a little more with you today.
It began with me coming home from work one morning (at the time I was a night shift Nursing Supervisor in a local hospital--a job I resigned shortly thereafter). It was approximately 8:00 a.m. My husband was cooking me breakfast when I walked in the door. I crumpled into a chair and started bawling. Of course he was concerned and asked me what was wrong. I didn't know what was wrong. I had no idea. I'd felt psychological pain for a while at that point, and I didn't know what was happening. Was it my job? My marriage? Was I under too much stress? Depressed? I didn't know. I was suffering, and I was afraid.
I said the only thing that popped into my head: "I'm not sure I want to be married anymore." Del and I had been married for twenty-two years at that point, and my words were like a sucker-punch to the gut.
He was tearing up, too. He was scared because for the duration of our marriage I was the strong one--the one everyone else (as well as myself) saw as a person of fortitude. Del came to me when he needed a pep-talk or an optimistic outlook. "Is it me?" he asked. "Is there someone else? Another man?"
Through my tears and sobs I assured him there was no one else, and it wasn't his fault. I told him, "I love you more now than I did the day I married you," and it was the truth. Whatever was happening was happening to me, the "problem" was with me, but I wasn't sure what was wrong. "I don't know. Maybe I just need some time off. To get away."
I started by taking 12 weeks off work.
Introverts like myself need alone time, and men want to fix things, so Del thought it might be a good idea for me to get out of town for a few days--somewhere beautiful and quiet. 100 miles away there's a ski resort that happened to be under renovation at the time. He got me a week there for something like $300.00 (the rooms are absolutely gorgeous and normally cost $750.00/night). I took enough food and books to keep me fed and occupied for seven days, and I settled in for some peace and quiet. I was the only guest in the lodge (other than the occasional security guard and/or construction worker), and I sort of felt like Shelley Duvall in The Shining as I watched inch after inch of snow pile up outside. I'd wander the abandoned halls and peruse the silent lobby, sit at the unmanned (and unstocked) bar. I had the whole place to myself.
But as soon as Del left I wanted him back. I'd call him at work, bawling my eyes out, and he'd drive the 265 miles to come hold me (he works in Nevada and we live in Idaho). When he wasn't working I'd ask him to come visit me at the lodge. He would, then he'd drive 100 miles back to our house in Boise. He bought me a round-trip ticket to Alaska, where I was born and raised, to visit my bother and other family members for three weeks--anything he could think of he could do to help "fix" whatever was wrong with me. He asked his friends for advice, and of course they all thought I was going through menopause (at the age of forty-two), and they basically warned him to "Buckle up, buddy. It's gonna be a long, bumpy ride."
Yeah, it wasn't menopause.
I started seeing a counselor once a week (I'm sure they help some people, but it was a complete waste of my time and money), I wasn't interested in meds (though the doc offered them), but nothing seemed to help. One day I found myself sitting at home alone, and I picked up a book I'd purchased and never read: Eat, Pray, Love. When I read the part where she collapsed to the bathroom floor, crying so hard she had snot dripping from her nose as she knelt on the cold tiles and begged God to help her ... well, it was like an epiphany. That's exactly how I feel! I thought. I've done that!
There was light at the end of the tunnel.
I devoured the rest of the book, then grabbed another (The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle), Everyday Grace by Marianne Williamson, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, then another, and another. I read everything I could get my hands on, and I was beginning to make sense of what I was experiencing. But it wasn't until I attended The Center for Spiritual Living that I knew I was in spiritual crisis. I sat there in the back row, by myself, not knowing another soul in the building, and cried like a baby for six Sundays in a row.
The whole experience lasted for months, and still remains a part of me to this day. The worst was over in a few weeks (maybe 6-8), but it changed me forever. It changed everything about me: how I view the world, how I view nature, how I view my fellow human beings, how I view God, how I view life (and death). I, someone who makes a living by utilizing the English language to create and communicate with others, can't find sufficient words to express how it changed me. It changed me in every way someone can be changed, and it changed me for the better.
Peter Mayer says it best, explaining beautifully exactly how I feel in his simple song Holy Now:
My husband was scared to death during this time. He thought I was "evolving" and would leave him behind. As if! You can't get rid of me that easily, babe. 
If you or someone you know is experiencing anything like this, please don't be afraid, and please don't poo-poo it as nothing more than a chemical imbalance, hormones, or menopause. It's very real. You/they are evolving, you/they are growing, you/they are changing, you/they are in spiritual crisis and it won't just go away and it can't just be "fixed" with a massage and a plate of Eggs Benedict. It needs to be acknowledged and addressed.
My beloved husband and my own willingness to delve a little deeper into the pain saved my life, of that I have no doubt. I didn't just want the pain to go away, to numb it temporarily, I wanted to know what it was, what was causing it, and what I needed to do to heal myself permanently, heal my soul, and to ultimately learn and grow from the experience.
I know it's scary. I know you feel isolated, you may even feel you're in the depths of despair, but you are not alone. Others have gone through what you're experiencing, and it's okay to reach out. Love yourself or your loved one through this metamorphosis, for that's exactly what it is. Allow yourself/them to do it in your/their own time and in your/their own way. Everyone is different, and there isn't any such thing as a play-by-play DIY "Spiritual Awakening" handbook--no specific books you should or shouldn't read. This is your journey, and it should be a journey of love.
Your soul knows what it needs; your heart will lead you to it.
Thank you for reading.
"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road does not mean they are lost." ~ The Dalai Lama |
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The following is in response to "Humans of Planet Earth" :
Vaughan Jones - ONE Scribe  writes, "Thank you for this valuable information. I witness 100% with Dr. Taylor in that I was involved in a tragic motor vehicle accident in 1974. I was in a coma for three months, died on the way to the hospital, and three times in the first four days after the accident. I was told that I died completely and did not just have a 'near death experience'. It took two years for me to recover my memory fully. The only permanent damage was my pituitary gland that shriveled and died completely, so I live on hormone replacement medicine, without which I would die. However, since the event I have lived with a much greater awareness of the oneness of being with all energy, as everything is simply energy. I wrote the book ONE Life-Love-Energy and founded the foundation with the same name to promote oneness of all life, Earth, the elements, nature, and the Universe as a whole. Anyhow, enough about me. Peace and joy, love and light, to everyone. Blessings." Wow, what an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it, and thank you for reading and commenting. 
Joy  writes, "What an inspirational person Dr. Taylor is! Bad things do happen to good people. It is up to us to turn what is negative into something positive. Thanks for a great NL!  " Isn't she an inspiration? And thank YOU, Joy.
Steve adding writing to ntbk. writes, "Another fine NL. Looking forward to the next one, Shannon. Copenator out!" Aw, thank you, Steve.   
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Spiritual: March 16, 2016 Issue [#7529]
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