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Comedy: May 04, 2016 Issue [#7626]

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Comedy


 This week: Balls
  Edited by: Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
         -Mark Twain

A lot of people think international relations is like a game of chess. But it's not a game of chess, where people sit quietly, thinking out their strategy, taking their time between moves. It's more like a game of billiards, with a bunch of balls clustered together.
         -Madeleine Albright

A person who learns to juggle six balls will be more skilled than the person who never tries to juggle more than three.
         -Marilyn vos Savant


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Letter from the editor

I'm feeling lazy this week, so I'm turning this editorial over to Socks the cat.


Greetings, hairless apes. First things first: My name is not actually Socks. That is the appellation forced upon me by my servants. They do not know my actual name. Neither will you.

You primates and your opposable thumbs. Good for feeding me, I will admit, but that's about it. You used these prehensile appendages to invent the red laser, which is the bane of my existence. No matter how much I know that I will never, can never catch the red dot, something about it overcomes my sensibilities to the point where I must chase the ephemeral light.

And you think you are so smart, inventing such a monstrous device. But I know you. There is one thing that is, to you, what the laser dot is to me and my kind. And that thing is balls.

You do love your balls, don't you, humans? Golf balls, tennis balls, beach balls, bouncy rubber balls. Balls. When you're not using your freakish fingers to invent torments for your feline overlords, you're using them to play with your stupid balls.

Take this month, for example. May. It's sportsball season, isn't it? I know this, because every day is sportsball season to you. If you can't play with your balls yourself, you stare enraptured at the glowy screen thing, watching other humans play with their balls.

Every sports person has balls. Well, except for badminton players, who only have half balls with feathers attached. Mmm, feathers. Now that, I can understand. You should have more sports with feathers. Also maybe hockey and frisbee players. But a hockey puck is really just a flattened ball, and a frisbee is more suited to our lesser cousins, the canines.

And you just can't stop your fascination with balls, can you? From football and rugby (whose balls, I will admit, are at least shaped more interestingly than that of other sports) to basketball to baseball, all you ever do is play with balls or watch other people play with balls. And if you don't have the ball, you want it, and you've invented rules for how to finally get possession of the balls.

This obsession doesn't stop with sports, either. You use them as metaphors for everything from home life to business. If you've got a busy life, you have several balls in the air. If you make a mistake in the office, you've dropped the ball. If you're waiting for someone else to make a decision, the ball is in their court.

So, being an aficionado of the chasing of the red dot, I can understand the addiction that balls represent.

But really...

Did you have to take mine, too?


Editor's Picks

Socks recommends the following animal-related reading material for your amusement:

 A Horse Of A Different Color Open in new Window. [E]
A poem about a different kind of horse.
by Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 A Bull in The Basement Open in new Window. [E]
There is a bull in the basement or is there?
by mlj Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 Macho, Macho Mouse Open in new Window. [18+]
What would three drunk mice talk to each other about?
by Thomas W. Helminski Author Icon


 
Red Toad Open in new Window. [E]
A child stumbles upon an unusual discovery.
by Jatog the Green Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor

 
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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "HilaridaysOpen in new Window., I proposed some new holiday celebrations based on comedy.

A*Monaing*Faith Author Icon: "every month except August" - and that's only because it's 'Back to School'! month

LOVE your Hilariday ideas! Radio DJs here have a blast every April 30th with "It's gonna be me [pronounced 'may']" from that famous N'Sync song.

April Twainty-1st and Mama June day [please tell me you did that as a Honey Boo Boo reference!] are my favs!!!


1. The words "famous N'Sync" song would never occur to me to say or write. I only barely know who that is.
2. I do not make Honey Boo Boo references. I only barely know who that is.

Now get off my lawn! *Smirk*



CasualWriter~thanks, Anon! Author Icon: Ha! Such a great newsletter! We certainly need more special days that celebrate (different kinds of) humor. One more idea:
Jan 2nd - Resolution fail day! To mock and make fun of all those resolutions we so carefully came up with on January 1st. Because who sticks to resolutions anyway?


Gah! I don't know how I missed that, since one of my running gags is how we (meaning I) fail at New Year's Resolutions by January 2.


That's it for me for now! Until next time, keep those balls in the air and

LAUGH ON!!!

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