  Spiritual
This week: All Too Familiar Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. My name is Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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Why do we hurt the ones we love? We're all guilty of it, and we've all been on the receiving end. "You treat strangers better than you treat me!" we might say, or "You wouldn't talk to me like this if anyone else were around."
It seems especially true in marriages and long-term relationships.
"Familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity wins admiration." ~ Lucius Apuleis (124 – 170 A.D.) 1
A woman I know was feeling increasingly apathetic about her fiancé. "He's basically perfect," she said, "but nothing he does makes any difference to me. He tries and tries to make me happy, but I feel nothing." Of course, he noticed she'd been distancing herself from him, and one day he worked up the courage to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I don't think I love you anymore."
He was gobsmacked. After seven years of domestic bliss, this was the emotional equivalent of an IED. The funny thing is, she wasn't sure what was wrong and automatically assumed it had to be the relationship.
She spoke about it openly with several friends, feeling us out and seeking advice. I asked why she'd responded the way she had and began flinging questions at her with rapid, machinegun-fire efficiency. "Did he cheat on you? Is he abusive? I'm confused; was that your way of getting back at him for something? Were you trying to hurt him?" She responded to each question with a flat "No." Finally, she said, "He asked. What was I supposed to do, lie?"
I thought about this for a moment and said, "If someone asked you whether or not you thought they were ugly, would you say yes just because it was true ... and is it, in fact, the truth? Couldn't it be an opinion--a feeling subject to change from one day to the next?"
Her other friends encouraged her to leave. They said things like "Oh, yeah. If you're not feeling it, get out, girl!" and "Don't waste any more time. Life's too short."
Their advice and her response to it reminded me of a quote I read years ago that has stuck with me for decades. I can't remember who said it or what the exact words were, so I'll paraphrase: People don't really want your opinion, they want your blessing. In other words, they want the go-ahead to continue doing what they're doing.
I chose a different tack. I said, "If you're not sure what's wrong, why don't you just say that? Tell him something's off with you--that he isn't the problem. Tell him you don't know what the matter is and beg his patience while you try to figure it out?"
She did, and he jumped into action. "Maybe you just need to get away for a while. Reboot, you know?" He booked a hotel for her--a hotel 100 miles away from their home. After spending a week alone at the resort, she was delighted to discover that her fiancé bought her a round-trip ticket so she could visit the older brother she hadn't seen in years. She spent two weeks there.
The three weeks was exactly what she needed, and she realized how wonderful her man is. "I can't believe I almost walked away from him!" she told me later. "I was so depressed, and I didn't even realize. I thought I was having a breakdown at first, but it turned out to be a breakthrough. It was an awakening, really: spiritually, emotionally, physically. And he's been so wonderful. He's the same amazing man I fell in love with. Thank you so much ... for everything."
Sometimes we don't treat those closest to us with the same degree of kindness we extend to complete strangers. We say hurtful things that can't be unsaid, and sometimes our actions result in irreparable harm. Most of the time, however, our loved ones are patient. They stick around and wait for the storm to pass. They're there for us. They love us, despite our faults.
There's a space between what someone says and our response. That space is a place for us to weigh our words and respond in a kind, caring way. You can answer difficult questions truthfully without breaking someone's heart. Not always, but often enough to make a difference.
Have you said something you regret? How did it affect your relationship? Has someone said or done something to you that ruined the friendship? Share your thoughts on this week's topic and I will share your comments in next month's newsletter.
Thank you for reading.
Notes:
1. https://idiomation.wordpress.com/2011/02/16/familiarity-breeds-contempt/ |
I hope you enjoy this week's featured selections. I occasionally feature static items by members who are no longer with us; some have passed away while others simply aren't active members. Their absence doesn't render their work any less relevant, and if it fits the week's topic I will include it.
Thank you, and have a great week!
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What can the "milk of human kindness" do for one desperate girl?
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The following is in response to "In Gratitude" :
Zeke  writes: I turned 82 in January and I truly value all the great memories that have stayed with me. Yes! Happy belated, Zeke. 
Quick-Quill  writes: As I began to grey at an early age, my dishwater blond didn't look all that nice. My hubby said he didn't want to be married to a grey haired lady and to this day he pays for the hairdresser, and tells her what he likes and doesn't like.  My hair is white(would be if not colored). My face has lines because I love the sun. I live a good life and people often comment I don't look 66 (soon to be) If we love life it shows and others see it. I absolutely agree. 
Kimbug writes: An attitude of gratitude does wonders for a person's well being. When I was younger, I focused more on what I didn't have and was never happy with my lot in life. It was only after I became a follower of Christ that I became a thankful person. So, I am thankful for that and the love of family. Yes! I think many of us focus on what we don't have versus how blessed we are. Thank you for sharing! 
Mary Ann MCPhedran  writes: I truly loved my husband and we had 52 years together, before he passed away, if anybody says that they never fight I call a liar, because I had the most stormy marriage we were always rowing, but not all the time. If My husband was happy I was, but he was quite moody. During our golden years we were closer but we travelled a lot to Cyprus to where my daughter Jackie lives. I think this helped. She would send us the air tickets and off we would go, and if we weren't in Cyprus it would have been Malta. When the kids were little our arguments were about him not getting sleep and being night shift, I was supposed to keep them quiet, but I think I made more noise trying to keep the kids quiet. We never talked about splitting up or divorce. These mood swings were just part of life and we just got on with it. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's amazing how one person's attitude affects those around him, isn't it? If your husband was happy, you were happy. We need to remember that when we're in a sour mood, that too affects people around us. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.  |
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Spiritual: June 06, 2018 Issue [#8933]
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