This week: Does Gratitude erase lines? Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI RIP BIKERIDER  
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Gratitude is a powerful emotion. Indeed, it is close to being prescribed as a cure for some disorders.
In this newsletter, I explore how gratitude has played a part in some of my interactions with people. People who have had very diverse roles in my life. |
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Dear Reader,
I'll plunge straight into it. The person I'm grateful to, why I'm grateful to her/him, and the lines this has erased -- that had to be re-drawn.
1. My favourite aunt.
My favourite aunt is my (late) mother's cousin. My Mom, who passed away 12 years ago, would have been 78 this year. Her favourite cousin is now 77 and lives about 1,200 miles away from where I do. My aunt and I are close friends, and speak on the telephone often. She helped me get through Mom's death, and more recently, through 11 eye surgeries. She takes my phone-calls any time of day or night, listens to anything I say without judging, gives me ideas for any creative project I undertake, re-kindles my faith in God if I start to question, and -- to cap it all -- is also a big fan of Harry Potter. (What more can one ask for?  )
She also likes to send me stuff.
Which is really very nice of her.
Except ...
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking there shouldn't be an 'except' to this. That it should stop at 'she likes to send me stuff and it's nice of her'. But hear me out.
The stuff she sends is usually inappropriate (clothes which are way, way too small, things like tea-towels which I don't use) or frivolous (plastic stalk of artificial flower that reminded her of Sirius Black's wand ...) and sent to my home-address, by recorded delivery. Which means that if I'm not home, Dad has to drop whatever he's doing to answer the doorbell and sign for the thing.
Now, Dad (age eighty-four) doesn't mind being pulled out of a nap, or dripping wet with a towel round his middle out of the shower -- for something important. He's not very amused if he has to sign for something that wasn't needed.
I've tried to tell my aunt that her love for me is very obvious, that I appreciate what she does in terms of moral support. In fact, the gift of her time and her advice is priceless and unmatched by any material thing she can send.
In the beginning, I told her not to send stuff gently, in an indirect way, by stressing on how the intangible stuff was so important and valued.
She didn't understand, and the packages continued to arrive.
Finally, I had to say it directly, "Please don't send stuff, it disturbs Dad." (I came to this after trying dozens of other ways.) On phone and on email I did always mention my gratitude for her support, telling her it was the biggest gift I could receive.
She was very upset and kept complaining, "I saw some nice _____ but you won't let me buy them and send them to you." If I tried to be polite in any way, the thing got bought and sent across! The most recent one is an owl pendant, due to the shared Harry Potter obsession. I agree it's very thoughtful. It's really cute, too. But at the cost of Dad's sanity? And close on the heels of an owl coat-hanger? (Shall I say 'close on the wings of ...' but I digress.)
I've spoken to some friends about my aunt's love of sending stuff, they say she can send to their home or work address -- but then, they have the additional task of arranging to hand it over somehow. All fine for something necessary, not appropriate for things sent often, for a lark. Especially not at a work address.
So now, in the interest of Dad's peace of mind and my own, I've had to draw the lines that gratitude had stopped me from drawing before. I've had to, each time, say 'I stop you from buying it'. I can't soften the blow with any humour or any politeness -- because that is interpreted as 'I don't really mind'!
Fortunately, she has now understood and the situation is fine, we are great buddies and I'm lucky to have her in my life. But gratitude did create some complications there!
2. My former boss
I was getting restless in my full-time job as librarian in a school, when I met a senior educational consultant who saw my potential as a resource person. She kept an eye on me, and when I finally quit my full-time job, she contacted me and asked if I'd do creative workshops for kids.
I haven't looked back since.
At the time, twenty-three years ago, I had had no idea that I could do such a thing. I didn't even know what a workshop was. She backed me up, she booked me into schools, she vetted my lesson plans ... she believed in me when I didn't know I had something worth believing in.
My career has grown, in scope, in depth, in reach -- in every which way -- and I owe it to her, she started me off.
We worked together for fourteen years.
She started crediting me for my creative inputs only after many, many fights, for about half those years.
For more than seven years, my work was anonymous, as part of her 'team'. Modules that I had researched and developed entirely by myself were marketed in her name, with no mention whatever of mine.
Initially, I didn't say anything. As I mentioned, I had no idea that what I was contributing was valuable at all. Presentations by students to groups of parents were often held at her home, and the parents would ask if I worked there, too. (Dagnabit, all that stuff your kid learned was due to my research!)
By the time I started asking for my name to be mentioned, she had taken it for granted that I was content with being 'and team'. My gratitude had held me back too long, and the battle was an uphill one. It affected our relationship. Today, while we aren't 'enemies', we aren't exactly as close as we could have been, either, after fourteen years of working together, and after the mentoring I received from her. I have friends living in her neighbourhood, but it doesn't occur to me to go visit her when I visit them. Sometimes we call or email on birthdays or festivals, sometimes we don't. If I happen to bump into her husband, son or daughter-in-law somewhere, the 'hello' is cordial and the conversation lasts about a minute. The time I bumped into her by chance, we hugged and spoke for about ten minutes. I don't actually spend time wondering what would have been if I had asserted myself sooner. This is just the way it is. We aren't exactly friends, we're probably more than acquaintances.
3. A member of my discussion group
The other two are women, older than I am.
This is a guy, about twenty years younger than I am.
He's a member of the Harry Potter discussion group. He has attended from the first meeting, and has helped a lot financially, sponsoring quiz prizes and dropping extra money in the 'hat' when he saw that other people weren't putting enough in. I'm grateful to him for the support.
Grateful enough to let him speak out of turn during meetings, which he did very often, to the detriment of the group. When I finally plucked up the courage to tell him to tone it down (in private, and again, after dropping hints beforehand) he stopped attending, and had to be coaxed back.
He's back now and things are going really well, he gives great insights when it's his turn to speak, and everyone listens. He headed one of the groups during the second anniversary celebrations. I'm so glad this one has taken a happy turn, I was actually doubting my own leadership abilities during his absence. Gratitude kept me from acting fast enough to curb undesirable behaviour.
Well, that's it for this issue. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learnt!
Thank you for listening,
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Thanks for the responses to "Professional, or Personal?"
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Spiritual: June 19, 2019 Issue [#9606]
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