Confessions

         1.          these precious guises, the creation of a cruel mind

Under the long enforced mask
lie the shades of grey,
each one darker than the last,
yet time washes everything away-
the same way the ocean laps
and wears away sandstone.

There were warm chuckles in winter nights
where you used to whisper about my gorgeous smile.
And I used to eat up your words,
licked up each one,
Your exotic taste rolling on my tongue.
Now, I wonder how you didn’t know better.

I have no thoughts.
I have no memories.
But, I have what you do not…
ambiguity.

Sometimes I would draw up to you with avid poisons,
subtle kisses to drown you.
that was a gesture from my heart,
that evasiveness,
so you shouldn’t have dismissed your paranoia about me.

Everyone spends time getting to know their boyfriends, their sisters, best friends-
How many of these long years do we spend getting to know ourselves?

You walked around blind, oblivious to what I am.

I love tigers.
I love White Oleander.
I love orchids.
But did I ever love you?
Did you ever wonder what you meant to me?

Sometimes I laugh
sometimes I rest
sometimes I eat
sometimes I sleep-
but I never reveal…

         2.          silence is my only lover

I’m not asking for an eternity because it’s almost an impossibility. I’m asking for one day, one beautiful night.

I only need one night for you to show me everything I have ever wanted to know. I used to want it because you were everything I once dared to want. But what I want for now is to know how far I can push you. I need you to bare it all down for me, to spread your fingers as far as they will go. And when I had that one night, you were a lie to me.

But what you cannot give me, silence offers me in hoards. It breathes smooth caresses along my neck at night. Lying in bed, it is his soft skin I sweep my hand over and over again. His lazy smile that makes my stomach clench. His light breath that I hear last, falling asleep to. And his arms I blink hazily at when waking. I’m his little princess. A little girl waiting for the sun to rise every morning and then longing for darkness to be with him.

Every little girl has her secrets, those which we hold dearest to our wretched hearts. Secrets, fragments of memories that remind us of times where we had so much more. He hears every one. He knows each one inside out. He understands all of them. He buries them even further than me, somewhere deep in the redness of his chardonnay.

Every night, chardonnay lies on the table. It’s his way of reminding me how I like it best. He leaves a dozen white roses and ever since we began to fuck, he’s left a red rose too.

I’ve found a way to forget WHO, WHAT, WHY I am.

I understand what it is like to be lonely.

         3.          aneroxia is my best friend

I used to spin in circles until I got dizzy
Somewhere along the line I never stopped spinning.

This is about dying.
Dying, because what suffocates I is me.
Dying and starving, are the two words not synonymous?

I want to be beautiful. I want to be small with that girl’s eyes, those delicates bones, that grace, that mesmeric nothingness.

It is knowing that no size will ever be small enough because no size will ever be pretty. I have the knowledge that I am dying because I cannot eat.

You always knew, knew deep down there was something ugly in me. You knew how hard I tried to get rid of it; starving, burning, cutting - All I needed was your touch to know how frail I was.

I do not know if I dare mention your name amongst my thoughts - was I as beautiful as her?

         4.          goodbyes are rarely beautiful

We started to walk in different directions when I met him and you met her. 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 6 months ago…

They teach you to look back at the bad times and laugh, no one ever tells you how not to cry at the happy times. No one tells you what to do when they whisk your longest friend to Melbourne. No one tells you what to do when you have to start anew.

So I smile.

It’s very simple. When everything falls to tatters - friends, god-brothers, parents and lovers. You close that chapter. You close the book. You return it. You check out another.

When you were around, I built a world around you. Some foolish part of me believed you built a world around me. When bad circumstances broke through, we gave it up.

And we parted. I parted the way girls do, with high heels, head high- not looking back, pretending this wasn’t the worst day of your life.

I remember what it used to be like; one bad day after another and yet, how could goodbye be so hard? I never used to cry myself to sleep at night; I never used to think about you midway through reading a passage; I never used to abuse myself for being not enough. It’s bewildering that there are points where a mind cannot break, where people can cling to that pain. But, I said goodbye. I didn’t expect anything to change; well that’s what I liked to pretend. And really nothing has, has it?

Now when I see you there’s a deep longing- maybe there’ll always be. But my goodbye stands because you can’t keep me. Silence owns me now.

         5.          i am not broken

i am not broken.

Question:
are you
happy?
no- but was I ever?

Question:
then
how
can you
not be
broken?
i haven’t lost anything
i’m not any stronger, any weaker
i love silence and someone else now
i love all the same
what difference exists?

Question:
aren’t
you wiser?
no
never will be
i’m closing this chapter too

Question:
who loves you?
...silence loves me