Dissapointment

Disappointment, that word goes hand in hand with you. You are supposed to be the one thing a girl can count on, the constant in my life. But time after time that constant never lives up to its name. All this started when I was little, too small to even comprehend the problems that surrounded you and your life. My mother warned me again and again not to get my hopes up too high, that you were bound to let them fall. But I never listened and why should I? You were my hero, my escape, someone I thought would always be there to protect me. Whenever I would feel insecure or upset, I went to you and everything would be better.

The disappointment didn't come out of nowhere, even though it seemed so at the time. As I look back now, I see how all the little mistakes added up to culminate at this one moment in time. You had no idea, and still don't understand now, how this one bad decision that you made would affect my attitude towards life from that day on. Every now and then, I can see you in me and that scares me to death. You are the last person in the world that I want to model my life after. You've done nothing but hurt the ones that love you, trust you, and believe in you. You abandoned me, left me stranded with people that you were supposed to protect me from. I felt so much resentment towards you, but of course you weren't there to feel it. So I did the only thing I knew how, something that you taught me. I turned that resentment towards the loved ones that supported me, the ones that stayed. I don't know why and I'll probably never understand. All I know is that you left me and made no attempt to re-enter my life in any way. You knew how, I was always there, waiting, hoping that you would return and become my knight on a great white horse and take me away from all this confusion and frustration.

But once again, disappointment reared its ugly head and that was to never be. This changed me, making me feel unwanted and unlovable. It affected all my future relationships and not for the better. Every time someone would show me love, show me the least bit of affection, I would push them away and push hard. I wanted to make the break. I wanted the decision to be mine, because I knew that one day they would leave me. I knew that one day they would wake up and realize that they didn't love me, didn't want me anymore... just like you did.

Now, some 8 years later, you have decided to start over, with a new me and a new life. You come back and expect all to be forgiven. You expect me to forget all the suffering you have caused, all because you say you have changed. I'm sorry but I can't. It's all gone too far. Your lifestyle has not only affected you and me but also the ones around us both. You taught me it was okay to disappoint, okay to push around the ones that care. I know better now. I would love to have you back in my life but it can never be the same. I will never trust you again. I know you think I hate you and at times I do. But the one thing that overcomes my hate is my love for you. My love for you is unconditional and I only wish that one day you will understand. Some days I wish I was young and innocent again, that I didn't know what I know now. But that's impossible isn't it? I know you don't like the person I've turned out to be. I'm sorry daddy but I've turned into you.