I believe in You now

I believe in You now,
Your Light is showing me how,
I used to walk in the shadow of doubt,
but I believe in You now.

Michael W. Smith

I was musing today as I felt the surge of some great commitment drawing closer and closer to me. We are going to have a covenant. A covenant with Pastor and brethren of the church I attend. At long last, we will join together as a family.

Months ago, God spoke to me and informed me that I needed to proclaim His will for me to the people I attend church with. I wondered why He would want me to do so, doubt taking hold of my soul once more and spinning me away from belief. What if I’m wrong? What if that isn’t Your will for me? How horrible would it be if I told everyone that I was meant to be a Pastor’s wife and it never happens?

I spoke to my friend PJ in NYC while we were there, walking the sidewalks of Greenwich Village. I told him that I would be embarrassed if I was wrong, if I proclaimed my calling from the mountaintops and remained single until Jesus returned. PJ smiled at me and told me that believers tend to be more kind when it comes to misunderstanding the calling of God. We then discussed the certainty of our callings and I, once again, felt assured that I was, indeed, meant to be a Pastor’s wife. Someday.

So, I asked God why I should tell my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was called to be a Pastor’s wife. He told me, with the loving patience I have come to know so well, that they would protect me. If Satan attempted to steer me away from God’s will, my church family would rise up and wrap loving arms around me, holding me and protecting me. I told my mom this and she agreed. So, tentatively, I began to tell them.

When Pastor announced that we would be partaking in the Lord’s Supper Wednesday evening, that he would be giving it to us individually and that he would ask us three questions so that we could enter into covenant relationship with each other, I wept. Why did I weep, I wondered? Because, God replied, this is what you’ve wanted for so long.

So, tonight I will go to church and answer the three questions along with my brothers and sisters and we will bind our relationship forever. Covenant relationship with Jesus, God and the church.

I can’t expect the unsaved to understand this. I decided to write this to express my love of Jesus Christ and God and the church He has placed me in. Only those desperate to belong to a family, to be loved and considered special, can see the bond that can be formed with a covenant.

Now, I need to explain rather quickly here that this is by no means a cult activity or a suicide pact. Just in case anyone freaks out over what I’ve said, I just want to reassure you. We’re just a Christian church that is listening to God who is taking us to the next level.

My relationship with God is the most fulfilling relationship in my life. He is there when I wake, He is there when I sleep. He sits beside me during the day and talks to me. I can call out His name and He is immediately there. It is hard to express how wonderful God is, how needed He is. He blesses me daily with His presence and love, His patience and mercy cover me during hard times, He is my best friend. I often wonder how people can live today without God, without His arms to carry them when times are hard and they are weary, without His voice to guide you when the way is dark and only He can see the destination.

I have come to the conclusion that they just don’t know who He is.

I want to reach the nations and spread His word and love to those that would hear. I can’t imagine life without Him and separation from Him would be unendurable. That is what happens in the end, when one who doesn’t know Him, who refused Him, stands before Him. They are separated from Him for the rest of eternity and after being in His loving presence and light, after seeing Him and hearing His voice, separation is death itself.

So, I long to be faithful, long to be His completely, belonging only to Him and knowing Him better than I know myself. I long to hear His voice constantly, to be forever in His presence and to have His will done in my life.

Sing praises, people of God, for He is worthy to be praised!