Hidden

What? I can't believe this. I stare down at the yellowed letter in my hands, and in the dim light of the closet, the words pop out at me again.

Julia, I'm pregnant. When I told Carl he just kind of withdrew, and I haven't seen him in two weeks. I love him so much! I don't want to lose him!

I glance at the date in the top corner, and feel a sudden chill go through me. March 18, 1986. That's the year Anna was born. I sit back on my feet, and watch the dust floating through the motionless air. This is all so weird! My mother had a baby (my big sister) out of wedlock? But my mother is not like that! She's reserved and sensible, and never makes mistakes.

Wait a minute. Dad's name is David, not Carl. Does this mean Anna is not my dad's child? Does Anna know?

I've been sitting on the floor of my mom's closet, and now I stand up, tripping on a shoe as I leave. I pad through my parent's darkened, silent bedroom, my mind a jumble of questions. My mom has got a lot of explaining to do.

I walk to the kitchen, where I pause in the doorway.

There she is, my mother, the woman who went through the pain of childbirth to give me life, who's taken care of me all of my fifteen years. She sits at the kitchen table, placidly drinking a cup of coffee and and leafing through a magazine. Warm morning sunlight comes in through the east window and plays across the tiled floor. I look at her through new eyes. She doesn't seem like the same woman, somehow. Remembering those passionate words, "I love him so much!" I realize I don't even know my own Mom.

To me she has always been the person who takes care of me when I'm sick, the person who nags me to clean up my room, the person to rebel against, and who is always there, still loving me, when I'm done.

She looks up and see's me standing here staring at her. Her brows knit, and I realize I must look upset.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" she questions.

I walk in and sit down across the kitchen table from her. Breathing in the rich aroma of her coffee, I look down and, with my finger, distractedly trace my initials on the worn oak table. I gather my nerve, and look up.

"Mom, who's Carl?"

Her face pales and I see her hands tighten around her mug.

"Carl? Laura, where did you hear about him?"

"A letter I found in your closet. I wasn't snooping, honest. I was just looking for that belt you said I could borrow." I nibble at my thumb nail."He was Anna's father wasn't he?"

"Yes." She sighs. "Your father and I decided it would be best not to tell you Anna was only your half sister." She murmurs absentmindedly, "Stop biting your nail."

"Does Anna know?" I ask, quickly taking my thumb out of my mouth.

She nods. "She was four years old when I married your father, so she even remembers the wedding a little."

My head is whirling. To find this secret, in the midst of the family I thought I knew so well, is quite a shock. Suddenly, I remember the letter, the words spilling over with all the fervor of a girl in love.

"Mom, did you love Carl?"

She closes her eyes, as if the question is painful to her. When she opens them, I see tears sparkling in her lashes.

"Yes, I did. I met him in college. He was was my first boyfriend."

She chuckles at the astonished look on my face. "Back then, girls didn't have boyfriends near as early as they do now. But I was still very embarrassed about it. All my girlfriends had had several boyfriends by then. In fact, Julia, the girl I wrote that letter to, was already married! Carl just swept in... and stole my heart." Her face becomes faraway as she recalls long forgotten memories. "I remember the first time I saw him. He was striding across the campus, whistling, with his cap on backwards, and holes in the knees of his pants!"

One side of her mouth quirks up and her eyes are soft. "Yes, Laura, I did love him."

I feel a sudden tinge of jealousy for my dad. It's rather odd hearing my mom talk about another man like this.

My throat is tight. "What about Dad?" It comes out as a squeak.

"Honey, I love your Dad very much." She pauses, and I wait for her to continue. "He is very good to me. I couldn't ask for a better man. With Carl it was different. It was so new, exciting, breathless..."

She laughs a little and brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes. I can see her slipping back into herself.

"Well, now you know." She smiles at me. "I hope this doesn't upset you too much."

"Well, it is really strange." I think for a moment. "Mom, what happened to Carl?"

She took a sip of coffee. "Last I heard, he had joined the army. He simply said he wasn't ready for a family."

I scowl. "What a creep!"

She raises her eyebrows. "Well, Honey, sometimes people do things before they think. I honestly don't think he wanted to hurt me. Do you understand?"

I notice the way the sunlight turns her eyes to liquid amber and I smile.

"Yeah, Mom, I think I do."