Many are the Ramblings

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I
have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for
Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

19. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in
the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunky
dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the
difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.

26. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

27. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can
in prison?

29. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FAT
cells live forever.

30. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher....and
since it's in English, thank a soldier."