Loved and Lost

I just got a divorce on Monday,November 14th 2005. Steven is the only true love I have ever known and we truly do belong together. Last year he went to jail and was in there till August of this year. When he left and went to jail my whole life turned upside down. I got so lost in my mind and scared of being alone and felt so abandoned.He just couldnt quit smokeing weed for his probation and me.We both were on drugs. After he left, my house became the drug house. I was addicted to xanax.After he left i was very dependent of them. I mean I could take 17-20 a day and be okay. I even had an accidental overdose of some pills that i was told were xanax and they were anti-seizure pills and I died and came back to life. Ever since then my life has gone down hill. He got out of jail for 5 hrs to visit me. I will never forget that day. It was the happiest because he actually was right there with me after so long. I messed up though. The drugs confused me and I strayed. I asked for a seperation. A seperation from the love of my life? Was I crazy? I was on drugs. Ill never forget that day either, it was the worse day of my life and seeing him cry like that will never erase from my memories. After 3 days i knew i made a mistake but it was too late. A month later he came home. 3 months later we are divorced. He still loves me and misses me, I know this by his actions.2 weeks ago he came and got one of our wedding pics. After our divorce, i didnt go, he came straight to my house. The night before he was at my house.Yesterday was his birthday and I moved to my fathers to try and start over and see a therapist, my depression from this is so severe. Well he called last night,my moms house, and I was only suppose to come here for a week to see a different doctor for some medical problems im haveing. Today he found out im liveing here. So he has a mutual friend of ours who i barely talk to call me and ask if im liveing here. All Steven has ever wanted from me was to be successful.We were always into drugs and when he went to jail he sobered up and saw reality. Im seeing it now, too late. He just wants me to be someone and be independent. Im 26 hes 21 and he took care of me. Im still lost at what to do with myself but I know I have to do something. My cousin said I should take journalism or something so I am trying this first. I know my writeing isnt that great but this is my first writeing. And I just know to write what i feel and my experiences.
We truly were the meant to be couple. Everyone who knows us really believed in love when they saw us. And some people are broken hearted because of our break up. He is so hurt, he really is. And I hate who I was and regret everything. I honestly think Im sick because I lost him and I know its my fault. Also though we moved really fast. He was 18 when we got together. I was 23. I experienced more than him. He just turned 21. I told him when he was 18 that he was gonna leave me cus he needed to live his life. That is what he is doing now and I am going to get my life together and hopefully win him back. I will keep writeing for us and hopefully get better and we can re-marry one day. A real wedding, not just me and him in a chapel. But u know what, it was romantic! I just needed to write about him and introduce you to my world. Please keep reading my stories. I have many more. A counselor once told me my life could be a book, so lets find out!