Drama Kings: Pilot Episode

CREDITS:

CUT TO:

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT -- DAY
Steven's apartment is pretty bare. There’s a couch, a coffee table, two desks, and pictures of France and Italy on the walls.

Steven and his girlfriend, Ashley, enter his apartment. Ashley is wearing a cheerleading outfit. They both enter and sit on Steven's couch.

ASHLEY
Thanks for picking me up from practice.

STEVEN
No problem babe.
Steven moves closer to Ashley on the couch.

STEVEN
So, what do you want to do?
Ashley moves farther away from Steven.

ASHLEY
Actually, we need to talk.

STEVEN
About what?

ASHLEY
Uh, I don't know how to put this.

STEVEN
(Concerned)
What's wrong?

ASHLEY
Steven, I'm breaking up with you.
Steven is shocked.

STEVEN
I-... Why?

ASHLEY
I'm seeing someone else.

STEVEN
(Growing angry)
Who else?

ASHLEY
Josh. I'm sorry, but we were at a party and, one thing led to another and, I'm sorry Steven.

STEVEN
(Angry)
Josh? The baseball player? You're leaving me for a baseball player?!

Ashley looks offended.

ASHLEY
What's wrong with baseball players?

STEVEN
Nothing except they wear cups and handle balls all day.

ASHLEY
Yeah, that's very mature.
Steven and Ashley are silent.
Koppos enters the apartment carrying a plastic bag.

KOPPOS
Hey hey hey! Your favorite person is here.

Koppos sits down between Steven and Ashley.

KOPPOS
Hey, Ashley, how's your mom doing?

ASHLEY
She's doing okay.

STEVEN
(Unenthused)
Hey Kope's, what's in the bag?
Koppos looks at the bag.

KOPPOS
Oh yeah, I rented some movies. Check it out. I got Better Off Dead and Unfaithful.

Steven buries his head in his hands.

STEVEN
(Muffled cries)
Oh God!
Koppos looks confused.

KOPPOS
Jeeze man, I know you're not the biggest John Cusack fan but the movie isn't that bad!

Koppos shakes his head and picks up the remote control.

KOPPOS
Here, let's see what's on TV instead. That'll cheer you up.

Koppos flips through the channels as Steven sobs lightly in his hands.

KOPPOS
Hey, there's a baseball game on!
Steven wails loudly in his hands.

KOPPOS
What is the matter with you!?
Koppos looks at Ashley, then back at Steven.

KOPPOS
Well, whatever it is, at least you guys have each other to get you through it.

Sarah enters.

SARAH
Hey, I didn't know anyone was here.

Sarah takes notice of Steven's crying.

SARAH
(To Koppos)
What's the matter with him.

KOPPOS
I don't know, I guess he's not a big fan of baseball.

Sarah pushes Steven over and sits down.

SARAH
(Excited)
Ooo, who's playing.

KOPPOS
Yankees.

No one pays attention to Steven's pain.

SARAH
Do you guys want some popcorn?

Steven wails loudly.

SARAH
Alright! We don't have to have any. Jeeze!

Ashley stands up uncomfortably.

ASHLEY
I'm gonna go. Bye Steven, I'm sorry.

Steven looks at her sadly.

STEVEN
Do you need a ride home?

Ashley thinks for a moment.

ASHLEY
No. I think I’ll just get a cab.

STEVEN
Well, goodbye... I guess...

Ashley exits the apartment.

Koppos finally understands what happened.

KOPPOS
Ohh... Ohh!!! Oh man, I'm so sorry.

Steven sobs softly.

SARAH
What?

KOPPOS
She uh...

Koppos motions with his hands how Ashley tore Steven's heart out and stomped on it.

SARAH
Ohhh... Ohh!!! Oh man.

KOPPOS
I know! That's what I said.

Koppos moves closer to Steven and pats him on the back.

KOPPOS
It'll be okay, man. You're way better than her and she doesn't deserve yo-

Koppos's eyes wander to the baseball game.

KOPPOS
(Stands and yells)
Yeah! Home run baby, bases loaded!

SARAH
Yeah!!!

Steven wails loudly yet again.

KOPPOS
Oh... Sorry...

CUT TO:

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

INT. BENNY'S BURGERS -- DAY
Steven is working at the front register at Benny's Burgers. It looks like any ordinary burger restaurant. Steven is helping a customer.

STEVEN
(Almost Zombie-like)
Thank you for coming to Benjie's Burgers, it was a pleasure helping you, please come back soon.

CUSTOMER
Uh, thanks.

The customer walks away, unnerved.
Steven's boss walks up to the register.

STEVEN
(Still zombie-like)
Welcome to Benjie's Burgers, home of the most flavorful burgers in town, how may I help you.

Steven's manager is portly and has a face like a pit bull. He wears a business suit and never smiles.

MANAGER
First of all, it's Benny's Burgers. But, hey, why would you know that? You've only been working here for a year! And second of all, when will you stop with this sulking crap?

STEVEN
I'm sorry, sir. My girlfriend broke up with me and I'm just a little out of it.

MANAGER
Well you've been like this for days, and I've just about had enough of this. You’d better shape up or you're out of here.

STEVEN
Yes sir, sorry sir.
Steven's manager wobbles away.

A few customers enter and walk up to the register, laughing.

STEVEN
Hi, welcome to Benny's Burgers. How may I help you today?

A man wearing jogging shorts and a tight, white T-shirt that says, "hello, friend" on it moves forward to order. He sounds as if he is permanently congested; almost as if he has the mind of a five year old with allergy problems.

CUSTOMER 2
Hello...

STEVEN
Uh, hello.

CUSTOMER 2
How are you?

STEVEN
I'm good. Do you know what you want to order?
Customer 2 looks around at the menu with a smile on his face.

CUSTOMER 2
Yes, I would like a hot dog.

STEVEN
I'm sorry, we don't serve hot dogs here. We have burgers, but that's it.

CUSTOMER 2
I would like a chili dog then.

STEVEN
That's basically a hot dog with chili and, like I said, we don't serve hot dogs here.

Customer 2 pouts.

CUSTOMER 2
(Getting excited)
I know! Do you have corn dogs?

Steven looks as if he wants to beat the customer.

STEVEN
(Growing frustrated)
We do not have corn dogs here. Would you like a burger, instead?

CUSTOMER 2
No, I'm gonna go now.

STEVEN
(Confused)
Okay, come again.

Another man, Customer 3, comes up to the register. He sounds similar to Customer 2 and is wearing pajamas.

STEVEN
Hi! May I help you?

CUSTOMER 3
Hello. Do you have hot dogs?

CUT TO:

INT. BENNY'S BURGERS MANAGER'S OFFICE -- DAY
The manager is sitting down at his desk, writing on a piece of paper. Out of nowhere, sounds of angry customers interrupt his work.

MANAGER
What the hell?

The manager walks up to the front register where Steven is. Many angry customers are at the register, yelling at him, repeating the words, "I want a hot dog".

The manager moves up behind Steven. Steven doesn't notice that the manager is there.

STEVEN
(Addressing crowd)
I'm sorry -- we don't serve hot dogs here.
The crowd keeps repeating the words. They are getting louder.

STEVEN
(Growing frustrated)
I'm sorry but we-
(Yelling)
My God, what is wrong with you people? Did you idiots all come on a bus or something!?

The crowd grows quiet.

CUSTOMER 2
...Yes!

Steven's jaw drops.

A disgruntled man rushes up to the register.

DISGRUNTLED MAN
For your information, we are a group that helps provide a way for mentally handicapped individuals to see the outside world in a safe and nurturing environment. I am the group leader and am highly offended by your outburst!

Steven's manager taps on his shoulder. Steven turns around with his jaw still dropped.

STEVEN
(Scared)
Hi, boss...

The manager smiles and stares at him.

MANAGER
You're fired.

Steven drops his head and slowly walks through the crowd of customers and out of the restaurant.
The manager adjusts his tie and walks up to the register.

MANAGER
I'm sorry about that. Can I help whoever is next?

Customer 2 slowly walks back up to the register with a sad look on his face.

CUSTOMER 2
Uh... Can I get a hot dog?

CUT TO:

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT -- DAY -- ONE MONTH LATER
Koppos is sitting on the couch eating a sandwich and watching TV. Steven stumbles into the living room wearing pajama bottoms and a dirty white T-shirt. He has a short but thick beard.

KOPPOS
It's nice to see you finally got your lazy butt out of bed.

STEVEN
(Mumbles)
Uhh...

Steven sits down on the couch. He appears dazed as he stares at the TV. Koppos looks at him unnapprovingly.

KOPPOS
Damnit, I've had enough of this.

Steven looks at Koppos as if he is hurt.

KOPPOS
All you do is sit around all day. You don't even talk to your friends who come over. You were fired from your job weeks ago. I don't even know how you paid this month’s rent. But I narrowed it down to either selling your body on the street or robbing a bank, and you don't look like the kind of guy who robs banks! And will you take that damn thing off!

Koppos pulls off Steven's beard.

STEVEN
Hey!

Steven takes back his beard.

STEVEN
I like wearing it. It emphasizes my pain.

KOPPOS
Oh, boo hoo.

STEVEN
Just tell me what the point of this outburst is.

KOPPOS
Fine.
(Matter of factly)
You need to get over her quick. Or else you never will. Now I'm going out with some friends on Thursday and I’d like for you to come -- if you're not too busy wallowing in self pity, that is.

STEVEN
I don't know.

KOPPOS
Come on. It'll be fun.

STEVEN
Alright.

KOPPOS
That's the spirit.

STEVEN
Can I keep the beard?

KOPPOS
(Laughs)
That's funny. NO!

Steven puts the beard on the coffee table. Koppos looks at his watch, then at his cell phone.

KOPPOS
Hey, what day is it?

STEVEN
It's the fifth I think.

KOPPOS
Oh man, the play is today.

Steven slaps his head.

STEVEN
Oh yeah! What is it? A musical or something?

KOPPOS
It's West Side Story.

STEVEN
So, what is it? A musical or something?

KOPPOS
Curse the day God ever let you into a theater.

STEVEN
Well, that was a little harsh, don't you think?

Koppos shakes his head.

STEVEN
So, are you going?

KOPPOS
No, I have to work. But you should go.

STEVEN
Why?

KOPPOS
Because Danae's in it. Plus, it'll get you out of the house and doing something, for a change.

Steven thinks for a moment.

STEVEN
Alright, I'll go.

KOPPOS
So, go get ready. I have to leave for work, anyway.

STEVEN
Sure man, see ya.

KOPPOS
Later.

Koppos walks to the front door.

KOPPOS
Oh, and remember -- don't do anything I would do.

STEVEN
The best advice anyone has ever given me.

KOPPOS
Damn straight.

Koppos smiles and exits.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

INT. AMPHITHEATER BALCONY -- NIGHT
Steven enters the almost-empty balcony and notices a cute red head looking over the side. He can't help looking at her. She looks at him and smiles. Steven blushes. He suavely moves over to where she is sitting.

KELLE
Hello.

Steven looks around the balcony to see if she is talking to someone else.

STEVEN
Are you talking to me?

KELLE
No, I'm talking to the invisible guy behind you.
(To the invisible guy)
Hi, how are things? Oh, things are fine over here. So, do you come to plays often?

STEVEN
Okay, I get it, smarty pants.

KELLE
Hey, the name's Kelle, thank you very much.

STEVEN
Really? I had you pegged as an Earl. Or maybe a Carl.

Kelle fake laughs hysterically. Steven feels like crap for making a bad joke.

STEVEN
You don't have to mock me.

KELLE
I'm sorry. You're just so funny!

Steven smiles lightly.

STEVEN
I'm Steven, by the way.

Kelle shakes his hand.

KELLE
Nice to meet you, Steven.
(Fake enthusiasm)
You know, you're the only Steven I know!

STEVEN
Really?

KELLE
No! Man, you're like the twentieth Steven I know! Did you guys come on a bus or something?

Steven chuckles to himself, remembering why he got fired from his job.

STEVEN
That's not funny.

KELLE
Why not?

STEVEN
Never mind.

KELLE
It’s okay. A very good friend of mine is actually named Steven.

STEVEN
Ah.

Steven stands there awkwardly. Kelle stares at him.

STEVEN
Well, the plays going to start soon.

KELLE
I guess I'll see you later, then.

Steven nods and walks away.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

INT. AMPHITHEATER -- NIGHT
Steven is sitting alone in the front row as people enter the theater. There’s an empty seat next to him. Kelle walks up to Steven.

KELLE
Hello, again. Mind if I sit here.

Steven looks around, nervously.

STEVEN
Uh...

KELLE
Yes?

Steven tries to make a joke.

STEVEN
(Nervously)
You can sit here, but your invisible friend has to wait outside.

Steven laughs uncomfortably.

KELLE
(Confused)
What?
(Sarcastically)
Oh, you were trying to make a joke.
(Increasingly sarcastic)
Seriously, that was a good one. You should totally do stand-up.

STEVEN
You're so mean to me.

Kelle sits down.

KELLE
Yeah, but you love it. That's why you haven't told me to go away yet.

STEVEN
What can I say. You have that effect on me.

There is an awkward silence.

KELLE
You know, for some reason you don't seem like the theater type.

STEVEN
That's because I'm not. I'm just here because my friend Danae is in the play.

Kelle laughs to herself.

STEVEN
What was that for?

KELLE
Oh, nothing. I was just thinking it’s good that you aren't into theater, because a lot of male thespians are gay.

STEVEN
(Fake offended)
For you're information, I would make a great gay guy.

KELLE
Oh yeah?

STEVEN
Yeah. Being gay wouldn't be so bad -- if not for the, uh,
(Struggles to find words)
unfortunate monkey love at night.

Kelle dons a southern accent from "A Streetcar Named Desire".

KELLE
(Accent)
Ah, but there are things that happen between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or sometimes a man, a woman, and a man, in the dark, that sort of make everything else seem unimportant.
(Normal voice)
See, I'm sure there are some men out there that you’d make an exception for.

STEVEN
I don't know about that, but that’s one hell of a great quote. I must have seen "A Streetcar Named Desire" a hundred times.

KELLE
So you are into theater!

STEVEN
No, I'm just into Brando.

KELLE
Ah! I knew you would make a few exceptions.

Steven pretends to be gay.

STEVEN
(Gay accent)
When you're right, you're right, girlfriend!

Kelle laughs. The theater lights dim and the play begins.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

INT. AMPHITHEATER -- NIGHT -- ONE HOUR LATER
Kelle and Steven are still watching the play.

KELLE
You know, the guy who plays Tony is really good.

STEVEN
I know! Who is that guy?

The actor who plays Tony is seen onstage. He is alone and skipping. He is a well-built and young with the face of a cocky, uptight actor.

KELLE
I don’t know. I think he’s a thespian, though.

STEVEN
Oh.

Ken looks out toward the audience and starts singing “Maria.” The only problem is, he sounds like a pre-pubescent schoolboy with a New York accent.

KEN
Maria! I just met a girl named Maria! And suddenly that name, will never be the same to me--!

Steven tries to keep from laughing as he listens to this little man who sounds like he’s been castrated.

KEN
Maria! I just kissed a girl named Maria! And suddenly I found, how wonderful a sound can be--!

Ken continues singing in the background. Kelle is holding her mouth to keep from screaming in laughter. The people seated around her “shhhh” her.

KEN
I’ll never stop saying,
(High pitched)
Maria!!!

Kelle and Steven burst out laughing and Ken looks directly at them. They realize he is looking at them and quickly shut up. Ken continues singing.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

INT. MOVIE THEATER -- NIGHT
Koppos is sitting in a chair with a broom in his hand. He is wearing a hat so his eyes are hidden. An old man comes up to him and pokes him but soon realizes that Koppos is asleep. The old man stares at Koppos and we transition into a dream sequence.

CUT TO:

INT. KOPPOS’ DREAM -- KOPPOS’ BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Koppos is surrounded by scantily-clad women. He is wearing a Hugh Hefner-esque robe and is being pampered by the women.

KOPPOS
So then I flew the alien spaceship out of the mothership just as the nuclear bomb went off.
The girls giggle as if they are interested.

KOPPOS
After that, me and Jeff Goldblum shared a cigar -- true story. I can introduce you to him, if you want.

One girl gets up and does a dance for Koppos.

GIRL
Oh, darling, you are so interesting. There is one thing that’s bothering me, though. How are you ever going to give us all full-body massages with such a small amount of massage oil?

KOPPOS
(Suave)
Never say never, my dear.

CUT TO:

INT. REALITY, MOVIE THEATER -- NIGHT
Koppos is rubbing his broom inappropriately and is drawing a crowd of people.

WOMAN
That’s not right...

CUT TO:

INT. KOPPOS’ DREAM -- NIGHT
A girl is sitting on Koppos’ lap while feeding him strawberries.

KOPPOS
This reminds me of the time I was playing golf with none other than Eleanor Roosevelt, herself. We were on the ninth hole when our cart broke down. She carried that cart on her back, with me in it, for the next nine holes and I still thank her for it to this day.

The girls giggle in unison.

A door swings open to reveal Janet, the girl Koppos is in love with. She is wearing lime green underwear.

Koppos’ jaw drops. He picks up the girl on his lap and throws her off, never taking his eyes off Janet. He stands up and walks over to Janet, but before he can make out with her -

CUT TO:

INT. REALITY, MOVIE THEATER -- NIGHT
A big crowd has gathered around Koppos.

KOPPOS
(Asleep)
Oooh, that’s the spot, right there, baby.

A child moves up and pokes Koppos’ stomach, but he doesn’t wake up.

Koppos’ boss walks up to the crowd and pushes through toward Koppos.

BOSS
Koppos... Koppos! Wakey wakey, Koppos!

The boss takes off Koppos’ hat. Koppos is wearing glasses with eyeballs painted on them. The boss takes the glasses off and holds Koppos’ nose. He wakes up, gasping for air.

BOSS
Get back to work, you lazy bum.

The boss walks away, satisfied.

KOPPOS
What was that about?

Koppos realizes there’s a crowd of people staring at him.

KOPPOS
(To crowd)
What?

CUT TO:

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE

INT. AMPHITHEATER -- NIGHT -- LATER
The play ends and the lights come on. Steven and Kelle are asleep. Steven wakes up and finds Kelle with her head tilted back on her seat. He pokes her and she snorts loudly as she quickly wakes up.

KELLE
Hoobashoo!

Steven laughs.

STEVEN
That wasn’t even English.

Kelle stretches.

KELLE
So how was the rest of the musical?

STEVEN
Oh, it was amazing. You really missed out.

KELLE
Oh yeah?

STEVEN
No, I fell asleep halfway through. But I woke up when that Ken guy sang “tonight.” Felt like my head was going to explode.

Kelle laughs.

KELLE
That’s too bad your head didn’t explode. That would have been a nice trick.

STEVEN
Yeah, the only downside is you could only do it once.

Kelle chuckles. She stares at Steven for a moment.

KELLE
You know, I have this feeling like we’ve met before.
(Thinks)
I wish I had a time machine.

STEVEN
Why’s that?

KELLE
So I could go back to when I was a kid and see if I ever saw you around. Wouldn’t it be cool if we played with each other when we were little, but we just don’t remember it?

Steven thinks for a moment.

STEVEN
Yeah, that would be kinda cool.

KELLE
Yeah...

They are silent. Ken walks past them and gives them an evil look.

STEVEN
I guess he did hear us.

Kelle buries her face in her hands in embarrassment.

KELLE
Oh, I feel so evil.

STEVEN
(Playing off her pain)
It’s okay. I mean, it’s not like you did anything wrong. Sure, he might cry a little when he gets home, and maybe cut himself in a bathtub somewhere, but it’s not entirely your fault.

Kelle looks at Steven disapprovingly.

KELLE
You’re a jerk.

Steven laughs.

STEVEN
I’m sorry, kiddo.

Kelle’s eyes grow big and water.

KELLE
What did you call me?

STEVEN
Kiddo. Why? You like that name?

KELLE
I love it.

They both stare at each other for a moment. Steven starts to feel uncomfortable.

STEVEN
Well, I guess I’d better get home, now.

KELLE
Home is good. And apparently it’s where the heart is. So, more power to ya.

STEVEN
(Weird, creepy tone)
Yes, but who’s heart is it?

Steven laughs maniacally.

KELLE
You are so weird. Anyway, I better get going, too.

Kelle stands up and stretches again.

KELLE
It was nice criticizing this play with you, Steven.

STEVEN
Yes, it was.

Kelle stands around, not knowing what to say.

KELLE
Bye.

STEVEN
Bye.

Kelle and Steven glance at each other as Kelle exits.

Steven contemplates going after her, but he thinks he would be crazy to.

STEVEN
Screw it.

Steven gets out of his chair and runs after her.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE

INT. STEVEN’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Steven enters his apartment. Sarah is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

SARAH
Hi. How was the play?

Steven sits down next to Sarah.

STEVEN
It was -- an experience.

SARAH
Oh. So it wasn’t good?

STEVEN
(Jokingly)
Well, there was some pretty good singing.

Sarah nods her head.

SARAH
Well that’s good.

STEVEN
Actually, I fell asleep.

SARAH
Oh, why?

STEVEN
Well, I love the story. It’s just that the acting was kind of bad and there was this one guy who was just awful.

Sarah pats Steven on the back.

SARAH
There must have been something you liked.

Steven thinks for a moment.

STEVEN
Well, there was this girl I met.

Sarah grows excited.

SARAH
Oooh, tell me all about her.

STEVEN
Her name is Kelle and she has beautiful, short, red hair and the cutest little Irish nose ever.

SARAH
Okay, that was quite possibly the girliest description ever given by a guy.
(Excited)
You are so smitten.

Steven looks sad.

SARAH
What’s wrong.

STEVEN
I can’t be smitten by her. I let her get away, and by the time I got the courage to chase after her, she was gone...

Sarah smacks him on the back of the head.

STEVEN
Oww! What was that for?

SARAH
(Angry)
For being an idiot! You finally get feelings for another girl and you’re too scared to go after her.

Sarah smacks him again.

STEVEN
Oww! Well I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about it now... She’s gone and what are the chances I’ll ever find her again?

Steven becomes sad and a bit angry.

STEVEN
That’s it. I’ve had enough of this. Tell Koppos I’m not going out on Thursday. I’m going back to bed.

Steven picks up his beard from the coffee table and puts it on his face.

Sarah sighs and hugs him. She takes off his beard.

SARAH
What did we say about the beard?

Steven sighs and repeats his line like a child repeating something his mother told him.

STEVEN
(Unenthused)
If I wear the beard, then pretty soon old men will start saying I have a pretty face.

SARAH
That’s right. And you don’t want to give old men naughty ideas, do you?

Steven shakes his head.

STEVEN
I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

SARAH
I guess not, champ.

Steven hugs her and goes into his bedroom. Sarah stands for a minute holding the beard. Then she puts on the beard and pretends she’s a pirate.

SARAH
(Pirate voice)
Aargh me matey! Shiver me timbers.

Sarah starts doing a pirate jig when Steven re-enters the room. He stares at her for a moment, then walks back into his room. Sarah continues to do her jig.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- NIGHT -- (THE NEXT DAY)
Steven walks into an upscale restaurant wearing dress pants, a nice button-down shirt, and tie. He walks up to a young, female greeter.

GREETER
Just one?

STEVEN
No, I’m looking for a friend.

GREETER
Well, call me if you need anything.

He looks around the restaurant for Koppos. Koppos sneaks up behind him. Steven gives up his search and turns around. The greeter looks suspiciously at Koppos.

KOPPOS
Boo!

Steven screams like a girl. Realizing the greeter is watching, he clears his throat in a manly way -- as if he didn’t just scream like a girl.

STEVEN
What the hell, man?

KOPPOS
I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.
Koppos catches the eye of the pretty greeter.

STEVEN
Was that because I used your toothbrush to get the hair out of the shower drain last week?

KOPPOS
You did what? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.

STEVEN
Never mind, it wasn’t important. So who are these friends of yours we’re meeting.

KOPPOS
Actually, they’re already here.

Koppos points to two young, skanky women sitting at a table. One is wearing a tank top and the other is wearing a skimpy red dress.

KOPPOS
The one in the dress is yours.

STEVEN
(Confused)
Wait, what?

KOPPOS
Oh, I forgot to mention it... You’re on a date.

STEVEN
How the hell do you forget to mention that?

KOPPOS
I dunno, slipped my mind.

Steven shakes his head.

KOPPOS
Look, don’t worry about it.

STEVEN
But she’s pretty slutty looking.

KOPPOS
How dare you. She is not a slut. She’s just... elegantly whorish.

STEVEN
Well that makes me feel better.

Koppos pats Steven on the back.

KOPPOS
Look, just act like your interested in her, because she is very enthusiastic about this date.

STEVEN
(Mad)
Damn you. Do you have any other surprises up your sleeve?

Koppos thinks deeply.

KOPPOS
Well, another friend of mine should be joining us shortly -- but that’s about it.

STEVEN
Well that better be it, or else...

KOPPOS
That’s the spirit!

Koppos guides Steven to the table.

KOPPOS
Oh ladies!

CUT TO:

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- TABLE -- LATER
Steven and the skanky girl are sitting side by side as Koppos and his girl talk. Steven looks really uncomfortable.

SKANKY GIRL
So, I’m having a really good time. How about you?

STEVEN
(Lying)
Oh yeah, I’m having a great time.

The skanky girl smiles.

KOPPOS
(To his girl)
And then I said, “You’d better get your hands off my walnuts before I knock you out!” The guy wet himself, swear to God!

The stupid girl erupts in laughter.

STUPID GIRL
Oh Koppos, you’re so manly.

KOPPOS
That’s me, baby! Grrrrrr.

STUPID GIRL
Oh, you animal, you!

The skanky girl and Steven listen intently to Koppos’ conversation. Steven looks like he’s going to vomit.

SKANKY GIRL
So what do you like in a wom-

STEVEN
(Interrupting)
I’m gay. Yep, I’m into guys... I’m just a raging homo.

The skanky girl laughs.

SKANKY GIRL
Oh, Stevey, you’re so silly.

There is silence for a moment, then the skanky girl looks passionately at Steven. Steven looks scared of her.

SKANKY GIRL
I’ve been dying to do this all night long, but I just can’t wait anymore.

The skanky girl grabs Steven and kisses him hard.

Koppos looks off in the distance.

KOPPOS
Hey, there’s my other friend. She finally made it.
(Yelling)
Hey Kelle, over here!

Kelle is standing by the door wearing a beautiful blue dress. She hears Koppos and turns her attention toward the table where the skanky girl is still kissing Steven. Kelle is shocked.

KOPPOS
What’s wrong with her?

Steven finally manages to break free from the skanky girl’s clutches and locks eyes with Kelle.

STEVEN
Oh my God...

Kelle looks as if she wants to leave, but decides to stay. She wanders over to the table hesitantly. Kelle puts on a fake smile and hugs Koppos.

KELLE
If it isn’t Steven Koppos.
(To Steven)
See, I told you that one of my good friends is named Steven.

Koppos looks confused.

KOPPOS
(To Steven and Kelle)
Do you two know each other?

Steven and Kelle looks at each other.

Steven laughs to himself while Kelle looks upset.

STEVEN
We met at the play last night.

Koppos looks as if he just realized something.

KOPPOS
Oh! Kelle’s the girl?

Steven realizes he has to shut Koppos up so he decides to kick him.

KOPPOS
Sarah was telling me all about your little get togeth-

Steven misses kicking Koppos and hits the stupid girl.

STUPID GIRL
Ouch!

STEVEN
Oh, sorry.

KOPPOS
Steven couldn't shut up about you last night.

Steven tries to kick Koppos again.

SKANKY GIRL
Oww!

STEVEN
Son of a -

Steven tries again.

KELLE
Oww, damnit! We get it, you’re trying to shut Koppos up! Now stop kicking us!

Steven looks embarrassed.

STEVEN
Uh... sorry.

There is an awkward silence.

KOPPOS
So... Kelle -- have you met my date, Angelica, yet?

KELLE
No, I don’t believe I have.

Kelle shakes hands with the stupid girl.

STUPID GIRL
It’s so great to finally meet you, Kelle. You know, I had a friend named Kelle once. Well, she wasn’t my friend, exactly. Anyway, I used to talk to my sister about this all the time, but, this girl, Kelle, had the biggest nose ever!
(Laughs annoyingly)
So every time me and my sister see this girl we make fun of her nose and she totally hates it! Isn’t that funny?

Kelle pats her on the head.

KELLE
Oh, sweetie, thank God you’re pretty.

STUPID GIRL
(Confused)
Uh, thank you?

KELLE
Oh, don’t mention it. Well, this is fun.
(To Steven)
So how many girls are you currently dating?

STEVEN
(Surprised)
What? No, I’m not dating anyone, right now.

Kelle looks at the skanky girl.

KELLE
(Sarcastically)
Oh. Well that makes things better, now doesn’t it?
(To Koppos)
Koppos, you never told me that you had such wonderful friends.

Koppos grows angry at Steven for not talking.

KOPPOS
(Frustrated)
I know. Aren’t they great?

Koppos attempts to kick Steven but ends up kicking the skanky girl.

SKANKY GIRL
Ouch!

Koppos is embarrassed.

KOPPOS
Oh, sorry.

Kelle looks around the restaurant, uncomfortably.

KELLE
Well, this has been fun but I think I’m gonna go.

KOPPOS
What? You just got here.

KELLE
I know but -
(Fake yawns)
-I’m just so tired.

KOPPOS
Alright. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to hang out more, Kelle.

Kelle gets up from her seat.

KELLE
Oh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

KOPPOS
Well, in that case.

Koppos goes back to talking with the stupid girl.

Kelle gets upset and walks away. Steven thinks about what to do.

SKANKY GIRL
(To Steven)
So have you ever been to-

STEVEN
(Not paying attention)
Yeah sure.

Steven gets up and goes after Kelle. The skanky girl looks hurt. Koppos sees his opportunity and pounces.

KOPPOS
(To Skanky Girl)
You know, there’s plenty of room on this side of the table.

The skanky girl and the stupid girl laugh as though they are intrigued.

KOPPOS
(Suavely to both girls)
Did you girls know that I’m an amateur photographer? It’s true. You know, I would love to take some pictures of you two. They would be tasteful pictures of course, since you are two of the tastiest girls I’ve ever seen.

The two girls and Koppos laugh over the idea.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR

EXT. OUTSIDE OF RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Kelle is standing alone, outside. Steven comes running out the door and behind her.

STEVEN
Kelle?

Kelle turns around to face Steven.

KELLE
What the hell do you want?

STEVEN
I just... Wanted to apologize for tonight.

KELLE
And why is that?

STEVEN
Because I really like you, and I don’t want you to get a bad impression of me.

KELLE
So, you flirted with me while you were seeing this other girl?
(Sarcastic)
Now why would I ever get a bad impression of you?

Steven gets defensive.

STEVEN
But it’s not my fault! I didn’t even know that girl!

KELLE
(Sarcastically)
Wow... You’re making such a wonderful impression on me, already.

Steven fumbles to find words.

STEVEN
No, I just -- I wasn’t even interested in that girl. She grabbed me and made me kiss her. I mean, there was nothing I could do.

Kelle doesn’t talk. She looks upset.

STEVEN
Look -- last night, at the play, I wanted to keep talking to you. But you left.

KELLE
Well I had no reason to stay, you were so timid.

STEVEN
I know, and I realized that. But when you left I chased after you and couldn’t find you. I stayed there until the last car left, just hoping for a chance to see you again. Last night I was...

Steven can’t find the words to say.

KELLE
You were?

STEVEN
--I was smitten.

Kelle thinks for a moment.

KELLE
(Sweetly)
Were you really smitten?

STEVEN
Oh it was disgusting how smitten I was.

Kelle smiles.

KELLE
Well, you are a complete dog. But you don’t seem like such a bad guy after all. And any friend of Koppos’ can’t be all that bad.

Steven laughs.

STEVEN
Of course...

Steven and Kelle stand there smiling.

STEVEN
So, is there any chance of me seeing you again?

KELLE
Oh there might be a small chance.
(Cutely)
But just a small one.

Steven smiles wide.

KELLE
Well, I’d better be going.

STEVEN
Yeah, it is kind of late and you are-
(Fake yawns)
-supposedly tired.

Kelle laughs.

KELLE
I’ll see you around. Talk to Koppos and we’ll all hang out sometime.

STEVEN
(Still smiling)
Sounds good. Bye.

KELLE
Bye.

Kelle exits. Steven watches her while she exits. Steven starts doing a little dance. An old woman walks up to the entrance of the restaurant, looks at Steven’s bad dancing, and shakes her head as she enters the building.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE, SCENE FIVE

INT. STEVEN’S APARTMENT -- LATE NIGHT
Sarah is sitting on the couch, reading a book. Steven enters.

SARAH
Hello there. You’re getting in kinda late, don’t you think?

Steven falls down on the couch.

SARAH
I’ll take that as a yes.

STEVEN
I think I had the best and worst night of my life in the same day.

Sarah starts acting concerned.

SARAH
Why was it the worst night of your life?

STEVEN
Because I made out with a slutty girl.

SARAH
Been there, done that.

STEVEN
(Surprised)
What?

Sarah tries to act inconspicuous.

SARAH
Oh nothing... So why was it the best night of your life?

STEVEN
Because I found the most beautiful girl.

SARAH
Eww, the slutty one?

STEVEN
No! Kelle -- remember? The one I told you about last night?

SARAH
Oh yeah! You found her, huh?

STEVEN
Yep. Turns out she was a friend of Koppos’.

Sarah thinks to herself.

SARAH
While we’re on the subject -- where is that little love machine.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SLUTTY GIRLS’ HOUSE -- NIGHT
Koppos is just about to enter the house with the two slutty girls. The house is covered in crucifixes and Jesus fishes.

KOPPOS
Wow! You girls sure are into Jesus!

SKANKY GIRL
Yeah! Angelica didn’t tell you?

KOPPOS
Tell me what?

STUPID GIRL
We’re born-again Christians.

SKANKY GIRL
Yeah. Want to come inside and sing hymns with us, as our little brother reads passages from the
bible?

KOPPOS IS SEEN AT A BIRDS EYE VIEW ANGLE AS HE STRETCHES HIS HANDS OUT TOWARD THE SKY TO EMPHASIZE HIS PAIN.

KOPPOS
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

CUT TO;

INT. STEVEN’S APARTMENT -- LATE NIGHT
Steven and Sarah are still sitting on the couch.

STEVEN
Well, thank God he’s having a great time.

SARAH
Yeah... Hey, I guess things are finally starting to work out for you. All you need is a job and a girl and you’ll be set.

STEVEN
Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Steven gets up from the couch.

SARAH
Going to sleep?

STEVEN
I guess I’d better. I have a long day ahead of me.

SARAH
Goodnight, then.

STEVEN
Goodnight, sis.

Steven exits.

Sarah looks around the room.

SARAH
(To herself)
Finally!
She lifts a couch cushion and pulls out the attachable beard. She puts it on and turns on the TV.

SARAH
(Pirate accent)
Aargh, Johnny Depp, we meet again. You won’t escape me clutches this time, matey!

Koppos enters the apartment. Sarah sits still. Koppos and Sarah stare at each other for a moment. Koppos looks the other way and walks into his bedroom. Sarah shrugs her shoulders and continues to watch TV.

FADE OUT:

THE END.