Thanks Dad

For twenty two years of my life I’ve run from who I am, or masqueraded to be something I wasn’t, my father. Some will say I was conditioned as a child and that my lack of awareness is no fault of my own. Due to my father’s insistence on perfection and of mirroring his behavior in everything I do, I was never allowed to be myself. Perhaps everyones right, and that it wasn’t my fault. Then again, that analysis is irrelevant. And besides, isn't it wrong to always blame others for your own wrongdoings and misgivings?

My father was quite critical of me in my years as a child, and through adolescence. There were moments that he said things to me that I’ll never forget, although I’m trying to forgive him. I think it's possible, but difficult.

When I was 16 years old I decided to stop playing sports. This was devastating to my father as he lived his life through me. Being a star athlete himself, this was too much for him to bear. It was easy for me to quit, I was frustrated in dealing with the politics of high school sports. I had enough.

As I expressed my decision to my father, he looked at me angrily and said,

“You were always nothing. You’ll always be nothing.”

And then he walked away, he just turned his back and walked away. You can imagine the hurt. And to this day, it still does. However, the hurt often turns to anger anytime I fail at whatever it is I’m doing. No matter how severe or minor the failure is, I can hear my father saying,

“I told you so.”

Sometimes his criticism took on subtle forms, like simply ignoring me. That was worse than hearing him curse me or experiencing a slap across the face. At least then you’re noticed, even if for the wrong reasons. If he wasn’t criticizing me publicly, or telling me not to be an inconvenience to his life, he ignored me. My response was to become more like him. I figured if I was more like him, he would have to like me. That’s logical, but it didn’t work.

This lifelong abuse has made it terribly difficult for me to hear criticism from anyone. They don’t know my life therefore a simple comment, even one intended to be a joke, has an effect that they don’t understand. But, it’s not their fault. I’m not blaming them, they have their own demons to worry about, just like I have mine.

I’ve realized recently that this relationship with my father has made me something I’m not, and I want to figure out who I am. This realization has stemmed from the feeling that’s been with me for sometime now. That somethings not right, even when everythings fine. I’ve figured out why I have this feeling and what it was all along, it’s me, trying to get out.