Dreams are Better Forgotten

Life unfairly carried on today. As if nothing had happened. The dichotomy between my life and everybody elses split further and deeper because I want everybody else to feel as bad as I do.

Whenever I've gone through breakups before, I've always come out with somekind of frustration, or anger, which has masked any kind of sadness that might have been stowed away in my mind. This is different though. There is only a lingering grief, something unlike I've ever experienced.

Right now, if you were to ask me, I would go back and change everything. I'd sacrifice the plans I'm trying to make for the future because I don't want any of it anymore. I would completely change myself if it meant all this could have worked out for the best. I'd make myself into what ever person it would have taken to finish with the Hollywood ending.

People tell me that things will change and in the future I will see the purpose of this suffering. The problem is that the future may as well be the stars right now, the distance they are from me. The future is a concept that has suddenly lost all meaning to me. It was something based on who I was and now that I don't know who I am, the future is nothing but a mirror that isn't showing my reflection anymore.

It doesn't seem fair how one person holds you together and how her loss can do this to me.
Everyone who was here before is still here and is still the same, but my relationship with them all seems to have been twisted into a dynamic I don't recognise. I thought I was lost before but now I know I didn't understand the meaning of the word. Everything has changed meaning, it's like I've suddenly been immersed in a new language that I can't speak.

It does feel like torture. A torture that I wasn't expecting. It's strange. I have this feeling of loathing for this person who is me because he wasn't good enough to put me where I wanted, this inferior creature who couldn't cut it in life and now we both have to suffer. It hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced in my life. It's a pain I don't understand, I don't know how to fight it and in way, I don't want to get rid of it because it is the only tie I have left to her.

That doesn't seem right. I don't want to remember her like this and it isn't fair to her because she has given me so many happy memories. Memories that I will always treasure because I know there will never be anything like them for the rest of my life. It's just that the memories are like roses, they will always be a beautiful image adorned with thorns that will prick me with a pain that I will never be able to get rid of.

I'm in a maze with my head on fire and my heart bleeding and I don't want to find the way out because the way out is unknown to me. To find the way out is to lose her forever because she'll always be in the maze but it will vanish as soon as I leave.