What I Wish I Could Say

I've been looking at myself lately. Not really physically looking such as I would do in the mirror, but looking at what I have become. I can't really believe that this is now who I am. What can I say for myself? There is no more will. I don't live for anything anymore, I don't hold anything dear to me. I feel so empty inside. The inspiration I once had has all but vanished. I can no longer conjure up the images that used to make me smile. I exist; end of story.

What is my life but laughable? Is there a point anymore? Have I become what I swore I would never dream of becoming? Why can't I ask why? What's wrong with not being fine with the answers you hear? If our founding father's had never asked questions, if our scientist, poets, writers, inventors, if they all had never asked, where would we be now? Surely, not as far as we have come. I may not be able to change the world by myself, but fuck it if I can't help!

Who are you to tell me to be satisfied? Satisfied, what a horrible state of mind. Dreaming, loving, being, living, that's what life should be about! I'm sick of sitting and gawking at a chalk board, day in and day out, being told that the world works and never knowing why because somewhere, someone decided that's not important. Screw that! I would rather delve into a world of wonders, I would rather draw, or write, or sing, than to listen to petty little facts. Since when has anyone ever heard someone say "I love money, money completes me, I'm nothing without those lovely number, those slips of paper"? I'll tell you when! NEVER! Why should I care so much about something that doesn't even hold my interest? I don't want to be rich! I want to be happy with myself, with what I can do! I want to FEEL again like I did when I was young! Stop taking away me so I can become you!

Face it, I'm not going to become the doctor you always wanted. It's not for me. You don't want me to feel insecure, but you don't realize the place you take me, the things you push me into, those are the insecurities to me. I want this to be my life and I want it to be something I can be proud of. If I happen to get some money along the way, I hope it's enough for you. But if I don't, please, please, don't think of me as a failure. I know you're forced to love me. But please, for once, even though it has hurt you before with others, just trust me. For once, believe in me. Just...just give me time. I'll figure it out.

All I ask is for you to be there.