Full House, Empty Tummy

Jim touched the toothpaste tube to his toothbrush and squeezed gently, then sighed as the all too familiar feeling of the thick, sticky excess spread across the knuckle of his right thumb. Jim growled and set the brush on the edge of the sink, rinsed the paste from his hand, and picked the brush up once again. Touching the paste to his teeth, he was met with the sickly-sweet taste of bubblegum, causing him to gag and spit, and spraying the mirror with gobs of paste and saliva.

Frantically wiping his mouth, Jim snatched the tube off the counter and glared at it.

Bubblegum? he thought, as he narrowed his eyes.
This isn't wintermint aquafresh! It's that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen crap!

Jim threw down his brush in disgust of losing an entire $1.99, and precious moments in the morning, when he was finally able to avoid his screaming family. Just as Jim was realizing the silliness of the matter and began to clean off the mirror, his stomach began to knot. Wincing in pain, he clutched his gurgling stomach and began to gag. With his nausea building, Jim rushed to the toilet, but had his hopes dashed under the realization that he could not undo the novelty toilet top cozy in enough time. As he doubled over in pain, Jim's shoulder's hunched. Suddenly, Jim spun back toward the sink, and began puking violently, splattering his mohen faucet with last night's salisbury steak dinner.

Unable to stop, Jim cried out in frustration, and felt his left knee give out. Frantically, Jim gripped the sides of the sink to hold him steady. Clutching both sides of the sink, he slowly lifted his head, catching his reflection in the mirror. As he stared back at himself, with his bathroom a mess, and a strong desire to not want to sift through the sickness to see if his watch might turn up, Jim calmed himself down with the promise that he would reward himself by wearing his cornflower blue tie if he made it out alive. Now, finally at peace, all Jim could think, was:

Wow, I feel sorry for whoever has to clean this up.

"Honey! Bathroom's free!"

MEANWHILE...

"Gosh golly, that is like, so grody," hissed Ashley Olsen as she threw down her copy of USA Today in disgust. She wiped his hands off on her tank furiously, before opening a bottle of purel and cleansing her hands.

"What's grody?" Ashley's twin sister, Mary-Kate asked. She was lounging in their palatial living room, painting her nails the colors of the american flag.

"Oh, it's that sickness epidemic that's been all over the news. Just thinking of all that ickyness....ugh!" Ashely said, making an icky face as she strolled to the refrigerator to grab herself another Fiji water.

"Oh yeah. Wasn't that linked to some tainted cheese or something?" Mary-Kate asked nonchalantly.

"No. Get this. Nick Lachey texted me about it, and he said that it all started when some really fat dude didn't wash his hands after he was in this jump rope contest, and then, he dug around in this bowl of peanuts at a bar or something, and then the germs spread. I'm not really sure about all the details, but it's gross," said Ashley, taking a gulp from her waterbottle.

"Ugh. Ew," Mary-Kate responded, glancing up and gagging.

"Oh wait. Nevermind. He put a lol on it! He said that they don't know what caused it," Ashley realized, as she scrolled through her nextel phone, snapping it shut and shrugging.

"I don't know, that sounded pretty real. If I were you, I wouldn't eat Nick Lachey's nuts anytime soon," Mary-Kate shot at her sister, laughing hysterically.

"Whatever!" Ashley shot back. "Ugh. This heat is unbearable. I'm gonna go catch a shower before we gotta head out," she added, strolling to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, Ashley could not help but notice the eight sealed brown cases stacked behind the bathroom door. Confused, she called out to her sister.

"Hey Mary-Kate? What's all this toothpaste doing in here?"

"You're kidding, right? That's the toothpaste we're shooting a commercial for today, durr!" Mary-Kate answered.

"Oh, well. I should probably try it then," Ashley reasoned.

Applying the toothpaste to her brush give Ashley a moment to think. Instantly, she finally got the Nick Lachey's nuts joke, and began laughing to herself.

"Ahh. God, I love her," Ashley sighed as she began brushing.

Happily brushing away, Ashley's tooth groomery was interrupted when a chill shot down her spine, and a shudder coursed throughout her body. Ashley chalked the experience up her daily 1 pm hunger pains, and continued brushing away. Ashley's nausea only worsened as the brushing progressed. She slowed her movements down, and placed the brush down on the edge of the sink, in an attempt to feel better. She glanced into the mirror back at herself, and looking down, she could actually see her stomach quivering. In a flash, Ashley spun around and fell to her knees. She hunched over the toilet, and began puking violently. After 5 minutes of driving the porcelain bus, Ashley regained her composure. She was stunned. As she dried her tears, and wiped her mouth clean, Ashley's deepest fears began to creep into her head.

Dear god...I've got the sickness....ugh...I knew I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people. Damn Florida.

With her thoughts only making her more nervous, she scuttled out of the bathroom quickly, and went back to grab another sip of water. On her way to the kitchen, Ashley noticed Mary-Kate in in the exact position she had left her in earlier, still heavily focused on painting her nails. She rushed by her sister quickly, hoping she could think of a way to tell her sister that she was now horribly diseased.

"Hey...um...Mary-Kate?" Ashley said timidly as she shut the fridge.

"Yeah. I know. Don't worry, we'll get more pepto when we're out this afternoon," answered Mary-Kate.

"No. It's not that..I..I..um...I got something to tell you Mary-Kate..." said Ashley, trailing off and looking at the floor while she spoke. Mary-Kate paused and glared at her sister before she spoke.

"If the next words out of your mouth are that you whored our names out for a Walmart line of footwear, I'm going to bash you in the kidneys," Mary-Kate said sternly, keeping her hawk like gaze on her sister.

"No...I um...I think I'm sick," Ashley started to say.

"Ash, we stole those condoms from daddy's top drawer for a reason, and that's because of what happened last October. Fine, let's get this over with. I'll go get the special shampoo," Mary-Kate mumbled as she boosted herself up and advanced toward the bathroom.

"No! You don't get it, do you?! I'm sick, like REALLY sick! I got that illness that was on tv! I'm dying Mary-Kate!" Ashley screamed in an outcry of emotion, shaking and slapping her sister dramatically as she spoke. There was a large period of calm in the room, as both sisters simply stared back at one another. Daringly, Mary-Kate broke the silence.

"Look, I can only imagine what is going through your head right now, but, seriously Ash, if you need me to donate one of my stomach's or something for you, I'm behind you 110 percent, and.." Mary-Kate was cut-off by the alarm of her cellphone.

"Oh dammit! And now we have to go shoot our commercial. Should I just call them and explain that you're sick and that they need to just shoot doubles of me?" Mary-Kate asked her sister, shaking the phone in her hand.

"No. It's okay. It's just one commercial, and it's already been set. I actually don't feel sick right now. Maybe...I just have some other bug or something, I don't know," Ashley rambled as she bit her nails nervously.

"Ashley, you're rambling, and nail biting causes cancer," said Mary-Kate as she flipped open her phone. "What do you wanna do?"

"Let's just go, because if some paper or something gets ahold of the fact that I'm sick, the media will tear me apart, and I don't need to be the next Lohan. Let's just go," Ashley said as she grabbed her purse and flung the door open. As she snapped her phone shut, Mary-Kate took one last glance in the mirror before leaving, and followed her out the door.

When the two girls arrived at the set, they were met by two orderlies in green hospital scrubs, showercaps, and protective masks. The were busy taping off the set with yellow crime scene tape, and setting up barricades along the perimeter.

"Hold on a second there young ladies," one of the men ordered, greeting her with a stern stiff arm to the face.

"We know you are both scheduled to shoot your little commercial here this afternoon, but we had to shut things down."

"What are you talking about?" Mary-Kate asked as she snapped her gum in her mouth.

"Well...turns out that while the pre-production team was setting up for your commercial, your two doubles ended up becoming pretty sick. It was like the exorcist in there," one of the men answered as he high fived the other.

Ashley's face turned white upon hearing the news. It was then that she realized that she definitely had to have the illness, and that it was affecting not just her, but people hired to look like her. She turned slowly to look at her sister, and if she knew the disease as well as she thought she did, she knew that it would turn on her twin any minute.

"LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU AIRBORN JAGOFF! NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY BESIDES JOSE QUERVO MESSES WITH MY STOMACH AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" Ashley screamed, shaking her fist at the sky. The three others stood puzzled as Ashley began marching to her car.

"So...so you still stay in touch with John Stamos?" an orderly asked, and was quickly ignored by Mary-Kate, as she hustled to meet up with her sister.

"It's not like it's your fault Ash," Mary-Kate said, trying to console her devastated sister. "This is all just some kind of coincidence. This is happening to a lot of people, and..."

"And....YOU'RE PROBABLY NEXT! UNLESS...YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! GAH! THEY'VE GOTTEN TO YOU! WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU TO LIE DOWN! oh my.." Ashley screamed before fainting and bumping her head on the door of the escalade.

"I...I..I just want to go home...I've got a fever."

Ashley slumped down into the backseat, stretching out and laying face down. Mary-Kate sat down into the driver's seat, and puttered the car home.

"Ashley....Ashley? Wake up Ashley..Come on...open your eyes..."

Ashley's eyes sprang open, and she realized that she was no longer in the back of the escalade. She recognized the Spongebob bedspread quickly enough to realize that it was her sister's room, and that she was safe, for now. Mary-Kate appeared overhead, and patted Ashley's head with a cool rag.

"Oh Ashley, I never meant for this to happen to you," Mary-Kate said compassionately, flipping back a wisp of hair from Ashley's forehead. "Not like this."

"What are you talking about?" Ashley asked. She was still groggy and not fully comprehensive. "You're the one...that's in danger."

"Awww...shut up. I'll be fine. You're the one with the fever, hell, you passed out back there. But it's okay, just let Mary-Kate take good care of you," her sister replied, giving her a motherly look and kissing her on the forehead.

"Can I get you anything? I mean...do you want like a drink of water or something?" Mary-Kate asked as she glanced toward her closet.

"Bleh, yeah, that sounds good. Hey, my mouth tastes like a bum's pocket, so I'm going to go brush my teeth again, I'll be right back," Ashley groaned, stretching out and cracking her back. Mary-Kate froze where she stood, and slowly turned to face her sister.

"Alright Ash. You go do that, and I'll get your water," Mary-Kate said, with a soap operaesque level of semi seriousness.

"Be back in a flash," Ashley said, closing the door behind her.

Several moments passed, as Ashley repeated her routine of tooth brushery, and Mary-Kate went to fetch the water. They both re-entered the room simultaneously. Both looking equally guilty.

"It....it happened again. I think I'm getting worse," Ashley whispered as she sat on the end of the bed.

"It will all be okay, I promise. Now just take a big drink of your water. You lost a lot of fluids in there. Go on, get you some electrolytes," Mary-Kate said, shoving the bottle in her sister's face. Spitting and gulping, Ashley looked at her sister in a darker light.

"What are you talking about Mary-Kate? What is up with you?" Ashley asked. With a sigh, Mary-Kate's face drooped silently.

"I asked you a question," Ashley said, her eyes now beginning to tear up.

"Ash....you gotta understand....you...you don't know what it's like..." Mary-Kate hissed.

"What are you talking about?" Ashley said, now very confused as to what was going on.

"It was just something I came up with....something...something that could make me feel...feel better about myself," Mary-Kate sniveled as she began to cry. As her sister watched in silence, and she wiped her nose with a $100 bill, Mary-Kate continued.

"I...I had Aquafresh put.... something in our toothpaste....an...an additive," Mary-Kate sputtered out.

"It was something I helped create...it...it's part caffeine and part syrup of ipecac...it...it suppresses appetite and induces vomiting at the same time..." Mary-Kate's head hung low during her confession. Her eyes on the floor, she couldn't even bear to look her sister in the face. Ashley was absolutely stunned.

"Tell me you're joking..." she said, burning her eyes onto her sister. Mary-Kate shook her head no.

"Why the hell would you do something so...so stupid!?" Ashley screamed. The comment caught her sister's attention, and suddenly, Mary-Kate's head shot up.

"Stupid? Stupid?! Let me tell you what stupid is!" Mary-Kate was yelling at her sister, as tears of rage ran down her face.

"Stupid is stupid magazines and stupid people off the street, who think they know you and know all about you. And then they think they have the right to make you feel like garbage each and every day of your life! Constantly telling you that you're too fat, or you're too skinny. I couldn't take it anymore!"

"I'm just as famous as you Mary-Kate, and you don't see me going around and making people sick because of my insecurities! Yeah, I got big feet, but I canceled that foot binding magazine I was going to come out with, and do you know why? BECAUSE IT HURT PEOPLE! You're crazy!" Ashley yelled, as her emotion washed over her, in an awesome wave.

"Crazy huh? CRAZY?! Take a look around! In the past few weeks, thousands of people have become MUCH skinnier than I will ever be. Obesity is the number one problem with this country. I am helping people! I am evening out the unfair weight imbalance far too many people have. In my society, everyone will weigh 100 pounds, and we wont have to worry about about criticism, injustice, or our Mudd jeans not fitting! The world will be a MUCH better place, and I never thought that you, YOU would stand in the way of that!" Mary-Kate screamed at her sister in anger, pointing a finger directly in Ashley's face.

"Oh, SORRY. I'm not in favor of POISONING and LYING to millions of our fans. And did you ever stop and think about ME in all of this. You POISONED ME! Your own sister!" Ashley yelled back. She was a wreck, literally shaking from her anger.

"Look! You don't have to worry about it anymore, because while you were knocked out, I blended a really powerful hunger inducing drug into your water. It completely reverses the effects, and you should have you appetite back in no time!" Mary-Kate revealed. Ashley shook her head.

"You really don't get it, do you?" Ashley asked her sister.

"No. You don't get it. Don't you see? With you and me, side by side, like it should be, we could corner the entire market on modeling, acting, body lotions, EVERYTHING! We could be the last two normal people in a sea of skinnies...and then...THEN is when I could truly be happy," Mary-Kate yelled triumphantly, and began wringing her hands together like a maniac. Ashley could sit back no longer, and finally began bursting out laughing at how ridiculous all of this sounded to her.

"You..you're insane. For you to actually think that I would support this stupid idea...wow, it's like I don't even know you anymore," Ashley said, turning her back on her sister.

"YOU were the only one who I actually felt bad about infecting! THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU, AND, GAVE YOU THE DAMN ANTIDOTE!! I thought you would understand...wow...how wrong was I?!"

"You're damn right you were wrong....But I don't think you understand what you started," Ashley said, giving a stern warning to her sister.

"Now you're going to go on television tonight, and announce that there is a problem with our product, and that you are initiating a recall, and then you are going to go into rehab for crazy people, whatever they call it. Oh yeah, that's what you're going to get," Mary-Kate turned back toward her sister, and glared silently.

"Did I stutter?" Ashley boomed.

Snarling, Mary-Kate lunged toward Ashley, grabbing her wrists and pinning her down. Helpless to fight back, Ashley struggled and thrashed underneath her sister on the floor. She was powerless under the waifish Mary-Kate menace. Reaching up, she grabbed her water bottle and swung it as hard as she could at the top of Mary-Kate's head, resulting only in a plastic thud.

Oh yeah, Fiji's in plastic bottles...Ashley realized.

As her sister laughed in her face, Ashley began to feel something building inside of her. Her eyes opened wide, and her muscles tensed. She could feel her body resurging. A powerful urge overtook Ashley, and acting on her maternal instincts, she thrust forward, and bit sharply into her sister's arm. Mary-Kate screamed, grabbing her arm in pain. The bite had broken the skin, and with a mighty thrust, Mary-Kate was forced to the floor, face down. She was horrified as she turned to her sister in fear.

"Wwwhat are you doing?!" Mary-Kate screamed, continuing to clutch her shoulder in pain. Ashley did not answer her, and began inching toward her sister slowly, with a zombie like hunger in her eyes. With a growl, Ashley pounced on top of her sister, pinning her to the ground. She bit angrily into Mary-Kate neck, splattering her face with blood. Everything became a blur of teeth and red, and as the screams got quieter and quieter, Ashley's hunger hit full force.

As she rolled over, Ashley belched loudly. She stood up and realized that she had somehow fallen asleep in her sister's room again, and that her sister certainly lived like a pig.

Ew. If she's going to eat ribs in her room, at least she can clean it up... Ashley thought to herself.

Shaking off the cobwebs, she also noticed her protruding pot belly sticking out of her halvzee Cat in the Hat mini.

Oh great. Mary-Kate's gonna love this. Now she's gotta gain weight too, so we can still double up. Ah well. Boston Market opens at 9. Ashley pondered.

"Alright Mary-Kate. Time to get up," Ashley announced, shaking her sister's arm, causing it to break off in her hands.

Oh man. Now I feel bad. She's looking skinnier than ever, and here I go, and gain a ton. Oink oink fatty. I owe her big. Ashley again thought to herself.

It was after a third wake up attempt that Ashley finally noticed the bloody cake pan, the paring knife, and the easy bake oven light, still hot from recent bakery. She slapped her hands to her cheeks, realizing that the hunger inducing drug Mary-Kate had given her had worked a bit too well, and she had eaten her sister, in various ways.

Ashley's head was spinning as the reality of the situation began to sink in. With the probability of a pending jail sentence, obviously butchery forthcoming in the tabloids, and universal scorn from her friends and remaining family, Ashley looked on the brighter side of things. She had finally carved out her own identity, all be it a cannibalistic murderous swine identity, but still, one all her own. She was finally her own woman now, and all she could picture was her new moniker in lights: Ashley Olsen: The Olsen Twin (Singular).