Michelob Ultra Fails Taste Tests

Let me begin by stating that alcoholism is a serious, debilitating disease and nothing positive ever results from it. But, to highly neurotic, unapologetically facetious people like myself, alcoholism—as a subject matter—is also an abundant source of hilarity. As deterring as alcoholism may be, there is also a myriad of benefits to being an alcoholic. Whether you or someone you know is an alcoholic, I hope you will find this brief article enlightening, informative, and one that will inspire you to immediately tip one over.

You live a memory-free lifestyle. You never underestimate the power of doing the most outrageous, deviant acts at a gathering—or being the biggest buffoon and ultimate life of any party—and not having the slightest recollection the following day. You revel in how other people remember events succinctly and remind you, both fondly and with disgust, how much what you did personally impacted them.

Beer-thirty happens all day. Time is inconsequential. Your fireplace mantle is brimming with trophies garnered at Hour of Power events. You are annoyed at the thought of having to go to sleep or being forced to work for a living.

You don't find Skky, Dewars, or Chivas inappropriate selections for naming your newborn. Your spouse attempts to be supportive, but stifles a tear while placing little Jim Beam on his booster chair.

You apply for Irish citizenship simply to make it official. It doesn't matter that you are unmistakably Asian and can't Riverdance even if your life depended on it. You're still undergoing therapy for your depression over St. Patrick's Day happening only once a year.

You confuse Greyhound employees as you try to buy a one-way ticket to Margaritaville. And you secretly devise a plan to sue Jimmy Buffett for misleading you.

You are one gimlet away from having a drinking game named after you. Your name is chanted as you walk into your favorite watering hole where the bartender, bouncer, and fellow alcoholics, perched on the remaining stools around the bar, are versed in the details surrounding your liver condition.