Two Paths

After so many years, I finally managed to gather up the courage to face everything that I’ve been running away from- to where my heart shattered into tiny, little pieces. It all happened so quickly- and as the memories resurface once again, I find myself feeling like I’m back to where it all started two years ago.

When I arrived at the very last place I expected him to be, I fell hard on my knees as I panted for breath. And then I saw him, his back on me, standing on the very edge of the rooftop of the hospital where he was confined to. Something sharp pierced me through my heart as soon as I realized what he had been planning to do. He then turned to look at me in those cold and soulless eyes. He was furious at me for giving him the surgery to remove the tumor in his throat, and because of that, he wouldn’t be able to sing again, and his dream of becoming a singer someday all vanished in a single snap. Tears began to flow from my eyes as I protested to him that he needed that surgery so that he could live. He then accused me in return for ruining his only dream, and told me that now that almost all of his vocal chords were damaged by the surgery, then there was no more reason left for him to continue living. But before I could even stop him, with my arm outstretched, he jumped off right before my eyes as I cried out to the only man I’ve ever loved weakly.

Until now, I can’t help but to feel responsible for what had happened to him. The him I remember today still blames me with those eyes. If only I didn’t give him that surgery, then he would still be here beside me at least, even just for a longer time. I also thought I was being selfish at that time, for I only did what I wanted things to turn out, not even considering his feelings. But the fact remains that I love him, and I wanted him to live, to enjoy his life even without dreams overcame everything else, because I know that there’s more in store for him than he could ever think of. Is being afraid of losing him so much that I wanted him to live even though he was just living for nothing at all such a crime? Is it something to be against? I think it’s just human instinct when people say they want someone to live. It’s painful to throw away something really important, but is his singing far more important than his very own life? Not being able to get close to your dreams doesn’t stop you from living and going on. Don’t let go of life so easily because people are doing their best to stay alive, and it’s unfair if you said you want to give up. Doing nothing and running away is so cowardly. This is a precious life our parents have given us- this isn’t just an act of selfishness!

I’m not taking the matters of life and death too lightly. I can’t really tell what’s light and what’s not, because it’s too vague, but I know that everyone’s only given one life, and one opportunity to live. You only get to live once, so you must make the most of it. Besides, there could never be any replacement for your life. So now, would you like to live normally, and capture few pieces of happiness along the way, or push yourself until the end and capture great happiness as you die? I wonder which would be better. Now that I think about it, I believe both of them are just fine. So, your path is for yours to choose.