220-Minute Meal: A Satire

I was fortunate enough to be invited to watch a taping one of The Food Network’s most popular programs, 30-Minute Meals, hosted by the sweet, ultra-likable, ever-perky celebrity chef, Rachel Ray. You can’t imagine how excited I was for the opportunity. Little did I know that I would get more than what I bargained for…

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Hi, there! I’m Rachel Ray, and I make thirty-minute meals. Now that means that in the time that it takes you to watch this program, I’ll have made a delicious and healthy meal from start to finish. Today, we’re going to Louisiana with our food, and we’re…uh…aw, [BLEEP]!

Cut!

Sorry! Sorry! I forgot my lines.

We’re cooking up some Southern favorites…

Right! Right! We’re cooking up some easy Southern favorites that’ll have your mouth watering by the end of the show. Got it, got it.

You got it, Rachel?

Okay, okay…where do you want me to take it from?

We’ll have to do it from the start.

Okay. Are we rolling?

And…action!

Hi, there! I’m Rachel Ray, and I make thirty-minute meals. Now that means that in the time that it takes you to watch this program, I’ll have made a delicious and healthy meal from start to finish. Today, we’re going to Georgia with our food…I mean, Louisiana…[BLEEP]!

Cut! It’s okay Rachel.

No, it’s not okay! Georgia is an entirely different state! How the [BLEEP] do I mess that up?

You were supposed to say “Louisiana.”

No [BLEEP], Sherlock! Of course, I was supposed to say Louisiana! [BLEEPING] state!

Calm down, Rachel. We’ll just take it from the top. Do you have your lines?

Yeah, I’ve got my [BLEEPING] lines. Are we rolling?

And…action!

Hi, there! I’m Rachel Ray, and I make thirty-minute meals. Now that means that in the time that it takes you to watch this program, I’ll have made a delicious and healthy meal from start to finish. Today, we’re going to Louisiana with our food and we’re cooking up some easy Southern favorites that’ll have your mouth watering by the end of the show. We’re going to be serving up some Cajun Pork Burgers, follow them with an easy Red Bean Salad, and then spice them back up with my tasty Cajun Fries. Okay, so we’ll start with our pork burgers first, so I’m going to head over to the frid--- oh, [BLEEP]!

Cut!

What happened?

Rachel tripped on something and she fell down. Can someone please go over there to make sure that the wireless mic is alright?

Well, I’m okay! As well as your [BLEEPING] wireless microphone, Fred! Sonova[BLEEP].

I’m sorry, Rachel. It’s just that those things are very expensive. Are you okay?

Uh, I think I just answered that already, Fred.

What’d you trip over?

My foot, okay? I tripped on my other [BLEEPING] foot. Is that a [BLEEPING] crime now? Huh?!

I’m going to say this again, Rachel. Calm…down…

All right…I’m calm. Do we have to take it from the top?

I’m afraid so.

Fine. Are we rolling?

And…action!

Hi, there! I’m Rachel Ray, and I make thirty-minute meals. Now that means that in the time that it takes you to watch this program, I’ll have made a delicious and healthy meal from start to finish. Today, we’re going to Louisiana with our food and we’re cooking up some easy Southern favorites that’ll have your mouth watering by the end of the show. We’re going to be serving up some Cajun Pork Burgers, follow them with an easy Red Bean Salad, and then spice them back up with my tasty Cajun Fries. Okay, so we’ll start with our pork burgers first, so I’m going to head over to the fridge to get some ingredients. Let’s see, we’ll need our lean ground pork for our Cajun Pork Burgers, of course. Some andouille sausage, which is an essential ingredient in Louisiana cuisine; some parsley, and some celery, which we’ll also use in our Red Bean Salad. And, let’s see, we’re going to need some red bell peppers, some onions, garlic, a couple of serving bowls, and from the pantry we’re going to need some--- oh, mutha[BLEEPER]!

Cut!

What happened?

Rachel dropped some of the stuff. I think it may have been the onions. It could’ve been the bell peppers—

I dropped the onions, bell peppers, the garlic and one of the serving bowls, okay?! Did you write those down so that you can [BLEEPING] bill me later? [BLEEP]!

All right, we’ll take it from the top.

Aw, you’ve gotta be [BLEEPING] kidding me! Can’t we just pick up where I go to the fridge?

Sorry, Rachel, but the part before the commercial is one take. You know that.

Of course I [BLEEPING] know that! God! You’re being like a [BLEEPING] parent or something.

Hey, maybe you should talk about how you were once a fountain girl. Maybe that would cheer you up.

What, now you’re a [BLEEPING] comedian or something? Is that it? Shut the [BLEEP] up…

Also, you forgot the tomatoes, honey.

Do you wanna be the Chef here? Huh? Do you? God! You forgot the tomatoes, you forgot the tomatoes…God, I wish you’d just be [BLEEPING] quiet there…

Okay, Rachel, and…action!

Hi, there! I’m Rachel Ray, and I make thirty-minute meals. Now that means that in the time that it takes you to watch this program, I’ll have made a delicious and healthy meal from start to finish. Today, we’re going to Louisiana with our food and we’re cooking up some easy Southern favorites that’ll have your mouth watering by the end of the show. We’re going to be serving up some Cajun Pork Burgers, follow them with an easy Red Bean Salad, and then spice them back up with my tasty Cajun Fries. Okay, so we’ll start with our pork burgers first, so I’m going to head over to the fridge to get some ingredients. Let’s see, we’ll need our lean ground pork for our Cajun Pork Burgers, of course. Some andouille sausage, which is an essential ingredient in Louisiana cuisine; some parsley, and some celery, which we’ll also use in our Red Bean Salad. And, let’s see, we’re going to need some red bell peppers, some onions, garlic, some potatoes, a couple of serving bowls--

Cut!

Wh-What?! Why’d you cut?!

Because you said potatoes, not tomatoes.

What?! No, I did not! Why the [BLEEP] would I say potatoes when I was clearly holding [BLEEPING] tomatoes, huh?

I heard you say it, too, Rachel, honey. You said potatoes.

Now, didn’t I tell you to [BLEEPING] shut up?!

I think it’s best that we take five.

Fine! I’ll be in my [BLEEPING] dressing room. You said potatoes, you said potatoes… You can [BLEEP] the potatoes, you [BLEEP-BLEEP-BLEEPING], [BLEEP-BLEEPING] [BLEEP-BLEEP]!...[BLEEPING] producers…

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I will never go to another taping of Rachel’s show because I found it to be so emotionally charged that I was psychologically exhausted by the end of the nearly 4-hour taping. I’ve just signed up to be an extra on Good Eats. At least Alton Brown appears to already be insane…