Between Dreams

I woke up to complete darkness. I wasn’t quite sure where I was, but I knew that I was comfortable. I felt a presence in the room, but it did not seem strange. It was more like someone that was watching over me. I must have been in that place that they take care of you. I kind of remember that place. The hospital; that was it. I seem to remember being, or maybe going to one. It seemed like a long time ago, but maybe it was just yesterday. I can’t remember, but I knew someone was here with me. I just needed to talk.

“I had a strange dream.”

“You did?” The voice of a woman answered. Her voiced flooded back memories I had long forgotten. So familiar, I thought. “What was it that you dreamed?” She asked.

I kept trying to remember her face, but it was all blurred in my head. She seemed so familiar. I began to wonder if I had that thing you get when you loose your mind, or maybe, that’s it, your memory. Had she taken care of me when I got here?

“I dreamed I didn’t exist.” I told her. I clutched to the little bit of the dream that I had left. I remembered being a little fearful in the dream, but not anymore. Waking up here, with her voice, I felt secure and safe, not like when you have one of those bad dreams, the ones that you wake up, kind of between fantasy and reality.

“Well, now that is a strange dream.”

“But, it seemed so real…so real that I wasn’t…” My thoughts trailed back to my past dream. I wanted her to talk, that way I might recognize that voice, or to come closer and touch me so I might know her. She seemed so close, but I could not see her. Her voice filled me. It was like she was around me and in another room. “Where are you?” I asked.

“I am right here.” Her voice still filled my whole body.

“Where am I?” I asked. “Who are you?”

“Just rest for right now.” She told me.
Even though I didn’t need to, I closed my eyes. It seemed like there was more light behind my eyelids than in the room I was in. I thought about my dream, my nonexistence. I did not want to go back to sleep. I began to think it was true. “What did it mean?” I didn’t think she had left.

“What did what mean?” She was still there. “You really need to rest.” I could tell she was smiling.

“My dream. What did it mean?” I tried to sit up and felt a hand on my shoulder and a finger over my lips. I tried to talk over the finger, but I could only think what it was I wanted to say. What was it? Why did I dream I didn’t exist? I thought.

“It’s because you didn’t.” The woman’s voice told me.

“I…don’t understand, but you are here. I’m here. Why is it so dark?” She placed her hand on my forehead.

“Sleep.” She kissed my forehead and I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

I awoke in the same dark room. I was not sure how long I had been asleep, but I felt the woman’s presence with me. She must have been by my side while I slept.

“Hey.” I said to her.

“How did you sleep?”

“Like a baby” I said and she laughed. “What’s so funny?” I asked. “How long was I asleep?”

“Just a little while,” she told me. “About ten years, for them.”

“Ten years? What do you mean?” I sat up. This time she did not hold me down. The room was still dark, and I was still not able to see who she was. “Your voice, it sounds so familiar.”

“Well I would hope so.”

“I didn’t have that dream anymore.” What she said came back to me about my dream. “What did you mean with what you said?”

“What did I say?”

“When you told me that I didn’t exist.”

“Oh, that.” She smiled again. I couldn’t see her, but I could tell. “I didn’t mean it like you thought it,” she told me. “They just weren’t ready.”

“They who?” I asked.

“Your parents you chose. They weren’t ready for you. Not the same time that you were ready for them.”

“My parents…my parents died years ago.”
She laughed again. “I know that, but not these parents.”

“I don’t understand.” I told her.

“That’s because you were not supposed to understand. You got too upset, so I had to tell you. You asked and I am not going to keep anything from you.”

“Where am I?” I asked.

“You’re safe.”

“Safe?”

“Are you ready again? It’s almost time.”

“Ready for what? Where am I?” I asked again. I did not want to raise my voice, but I couldn’t help it.

“It’s ok. You’re going to try again. They won’t be the same you picked…your parents, but they will still be a large part of your life. Your aunt and uncle.”

I tried to understand but nothing was coming back to me, then I had a distant memory from my dream come back to. I remembered being in the same dark room and hearing the same familiar woman’s voice. “What were you saying…you said that they weren’t ready for me?”

“They had an abortion. Now, close your eyes. It’s your turn.”

I laid there comfortably in the dark room and closed my eyes.

It was bright behind my eye lids, so I opened them to all the commotion and strange people around me. I was no longer comfortable and began to cry.