The Battle Within Myself

Today I won the battle within myself. But I feel that I'm losing the war... I don't know what I should do. I love the girl that I'm with to death. She's the girl I would one day like to make my wife. But there's too many problems that I've yet to face. I know she loves me and I know that that's all I should be worrying about, but for some reason I focus too much on her past. I know that I'm wrong in doing that but I can't help the way I feel. What bothers me and what dosn't. I know that I'm not innocent. I've done my fair share of deeds. But I still can't get over hers. It bothers me just hearing about one of her exes. Just the thought of someone else touching and penetrating her angelic body brings the firiest of rages to my eyes and I don't know why. I can't accept the fact that I was not her first love. Maybe I'm being selfish. Sometimes I think that that'll be the reason for our relationship's demise. And what's worst is that I know this, and I'm yet to change...

I'm sorry lord. I know that your giving me a blessing, and all I'm doing is jeapordizing that. But to be totally honest sometimes I'm not sure if I want it anymore. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go through life knowing all the things about her that I know. It hurts me. It hurts me way too much. More than it should. Maybe that's why I am the way that I am with her. I have the hardest of times trusting her. Half of me knows that she would never do anything to hurt me or ruin what the two of us have. But the other half of me thinks that everything is just a lie. I ask myself everyday "are her feelings really pure?". I only wish that I could get a response. Until then I'll keep waging the war within my heart. Hoping the right side prevails... I really wish there was something she could tell me to put all my worries and uncomforts to rest. It seems that everyday I'm focusing more and more on what she did with "him" instead of what she's doing with me. I hate it. I truly hate it. It makes me think wrongly about her. I see her as an angel but when I ponder on her past... I don't know. I get a feeling that words could never explain. I can't believe the things she's done. I might've expected it from anyone else, but not her! It makes me feel that someone has dirtied what would have been the purest of souls. In that small duration of time, that happened so long ago, those two people, him and her, have managed to destroy me. It's sad. Not for myself, but for history and the concept of love alltogether. That one instance of insobriety and stupidity, ruined what could have been something "perfect". And it's a shame.