Placebo

         I had to double take. Like in the movies when the character can’t believe what he just saw. A severed head in the refrigerator. That’s not normal. Or a talking baby. Always absurd and impractical. An exaggeration of reality. That doesn’t matter though. It’s a movie. It’s supposed to be exaggerated. It’s supposed to be funny. It’s supposed to make people laugh, and it works. It’s funny because nothing that inane could ever really happen, or so we believe. We are an intelligent people. We are invulnerable to this unrealism and absolute stupidity. It is ineffective. We are impenetrable.
         I was walking down the stairs from my apartment on my way to work. The elevator had been broken for the past two weeks and no one had said anything. I thought about telling the landlord, but I always figured that someone else would have to eventually. The railing going down the stairs is unsteady and worn. It takes courage to use it because it may fall loose at any moment, but I can’t walk downwards unless I’m holding onto something. I’m afraid of heights.
         When I finally get outside, I try not to breathe too much. The air looks clear, but it’s black on the inside. People will tell you that air is just gas. Gas has feelings too. If you mistreat it, it goes bad.
         My job is only three blocks from the apartment, so I always walk there. I enjoy walking. The sidewalks are never crowded this early in the morning. Everyone has to drive to work. It gives me time to think to myself. I always have to pause and say hi to the kids who are walking by on their way to school. They never have a sense of urgency or alarm. They’re still innocent. They’ll befriend anyone who is willing. I like that. They’re totally and completely free. No stress. No bottled-up anxiety. I miss that freedom. I wish all people were that free.
         I see a large, red sign approaching me that says “Stupen’s Pharmaceuticals”. It’s a fairly large sign, but does little for aesthetic appeal. The name of the company is inserted onto a label presumably for a bottle of tablets. I reach the establishment to find a large poster taped to the front of the window. It’s a very generic poster, with a picture of a toad grinning obnoxiously. Without reading it, you could tell that it was an advertisement for some form of medication. I hate working at a drug store. I have to constantly deal with people who believe, for some reason or another, that they have a problem, and their particular problem can only be solved by use of medical sustenance. Most of the time they don’t even have a real problem, of course, but they were led to believe that they were in dire need of medication by their dim-witted doctor or some clever advertisement. These intelligent people. These impenetrable people.
         I look underneath the toad and read what it says. The words are in bold and the colors vary from line to line. The first line is red, the second black, and the third blue. It reads:

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re too relaxed?
Are there times when you feel yourself acting reckless when you should be cautious?
You may be suffering from Partial Unresponsive Cerebrum Disorder

         I’m not sure if I perceived the words right the first time. Hence the reason for the double take. Are they serious? They now have medication for people who are too relaxed? Partial Unresponsive Cerebrum Disorder? That can’t be right. People won’t buy this. They can’t. We’re too intelligent. We’ll see right through this. It’s as penetrable as paper. We’ll tear it up and throw it away. It won’t exist. It can’t exist. It’s not possible.
         I put on my vest and punch in my timeslot. My mind is still on the poster. It’s mocking me. Pinned to the other side of the window and misleading all who read it. An abnormally large toad is broadcasting its existence. The irresistible toad, like the ones on the beer commercials, persuading people to become addicts. People won’t listen though. I have faith. They can’t be advised by a toad.
         The day is starting off as predicted. I have to load products onto the proper shelves and display prices. It’s all very tedious and redundant. I also deal with customer service, but there aren’t many customers in the store this early in the morning. The crazy people don’t come until later. People here now just want aspirin, skin ointment, or some form of flu or cold medication. I don’t know how they choose. There’s such a variety of choices when it comes to curing influenza. I guess it comes down to what you prefer. Would you rather have Tylenol or Sudafed? Benadryl or Dimetapp? Dayquil or Nyquil? Yes, that’s right. Two medications from the exact same brand. The only difference is that one of them sucks you dry of energy. Makes you drowsy. Maybe there should be a free trial. Just to make sure you’re choosing the accurate treatment. Because God forbid you should choose the medication that doesn’t taste as good or doesn’t go down as easy as the others.
         I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn’t notice the lady that had just walked in. She was short and frail but oddly content. She looked to be about in her late 30s but I couldn’t be certain. She had a cheerful disposition, let off a good vibe, and looked perfectly healthy. There’s no telling why she entered the store…until she spoke.
         “Where might I find the Dumerol?” she asked very politely.
         The cashier received her pleasantly. “Go to the end aisle and follow it down. It will be on the right hand side. If you still can’t find it, you can ask for assistance.”
         DUMEROL?!? NO! Not the toad treatment! It isn’t possible! How could someone so gentle and so happy ever consider taking that drug? I tried to rationalize it, but I couldn’t. You can’t reason with nonsense. It’s impossible. Why? There’s no answer. People are fallible. Not everyone is intelligent. That must be the answer.
         I ran outside of the store and tore down the poster. Best to keep it inside where no one can see it. I confronted the lady.
         “Look at this,” I said, directing her attention to the poster. “What possible reason could you have for wanting to purchase this product?”
         She looked at me very desperately and responded, “I feel very careless all the time and no one takes me seriously. I’m looking for something that will help me focus more on what is expected of me. I need to set my priorities straight, and I feel I cannot do it alone.”
         That’s the problem. The drug has nothing to do with the disease; the drug settles the insecurity. There is no disease – it doesn’t exist. What matters is that the person believes that she is being cured. It’s a psychological cleansing. It’s only a placebo.
         If there’s anything that I believe, it’s that placebos are strictly sold for profit. Drug companies - Stupen’s Pharmaceuticals included – sell placebos solely for the revenue they raise. We don’t care that they are purchasing a false drug. Our eyes are dollar signs. All we see is the monetary value of a person – nothing more.
         My boss took the poster away and fired me. I knew that was going to happen. That’s fine – I didn’t want to work there anyway. I hated working at a drug store. The pay sucked and the people were crazy.
         On the way home, I reached into my pocket. I snuck out a bottle of Dumerol tablets from the shelf. I opened up the bottle, took a tablet out and examined it. It was a round tablet, very small and probably easy to swallow. It was a very pinkish color with the word “Dumerol” in small print in the center of the tablet. I stopped, placed the tablet on my tongue, and swallowed it. As predicted, it went down without difficulty. I was so fascinated by it that I decided to do it again. Another tablet placed on my tongue and slid down my throat with ease. I don’t know why I took the tablets. It was a very unusual day. I still don’t believe that they serve any purpose or that they’ll help in anyway. They’ll only profit the drug companies. That’s okay though – I didn’t pay for mine.
         We are intelligent people. We are impenetrable. We cannot be fooled, and we will not be made fools of. We are invincible – the only intelligence on Earth. We will not be advised by a toad.