Can't Live With or Without You

We all have that one person in our lives that is our polar opposite, our worst nightmare, a genuine pain in the ass. You say it’s black, they say it’s white. You say it’s big, they say it’s small. You say it’s up, they say it’s down. You’re always wrong, they’re always right. You do everything in your power to irk this person, from tickling them until they turn blue to calling them “Sugar Lips,” the overused pet name that their ex called them. If the negative energy between you were American Express reward points, the two of you would be on some beach in Acapulco arguing whether it’s hot or not. Needless to say you would be together bitching about something; the keyword in that phrase being “together.”

The last time you two went out (God only knows why you two go out) you argued over who’s fault it was for being late, where you were going to eat, who should stop eating and watch their weight, and the bill. After dinner you made the mistake of asking them if they would like to rent a movie and go back to your place, which they agreed to. Finally, they agreed with you on something. Heh, think again. No sooner you leave the restaurant you start arguing over where to rent the movie from, what genre the movie should be, and again who would foot the bill.

Allow me to analyze this situation for a minute. This is great. I’m right in the middle of your story and I can stop, fast forward, and rewind. It’s like IO digital cable. I love it. Anywho…Yes, you argue, but you never fight. Think about it. No matter how much you squabble with each other, they always wind up back at your place. You don’t have to argue with them to go out with you, now do you? You don’t have to wrestle them onto your couch to watch “Hitch” for the 67th time, do you? No. Ooh, you love each other, and don’t give me that shit about cooties either. You’re in love. So continue on…

After arguing who’s going to hold the remote you find yourself in the all too familiar “movie viewing position.” You sit at the end of the couch with one arm on the arm of the sofa and the other arm around your antagonist. Believe me, there is plenty of room down at the other end of the couch, but they’re leaning into your body with their head nestled under your chin, still taunting you with the remote. As the movie starts they put the remote on the coffee table, yawn, move back under your chin, and wrap their arms around your torso leaving you feeling once again high off your ass.

Hate is a strong emotion, but when you use “hate” as the codeword for love (i.e. the “I HATE YOU” in your screaming matches which ultimately ends in giggles), the sentiment is twice as strong. You’ve subconsciously vowed to never tell this person that if something ever happened to them that you’d die. You vowed never to tell them that you’d buy the entire Blockbuster store just to cuddle. You vowed never to tell them that you loved them so much that when they leave, you want them to come back through your door even if it’s just to yell at you over who’s right. Why have you vowed to never say these things? Because you're a fearless opponent in regard to them, but at the same time too shy to tell them how you really feel.

The credits roll and your heart sinks. This means that it’s time to say goodnight, so you take it as slow as possible when walking them to the door. They look at you and smile. You love that smile. You find yourself looking at their sparkling eyes and choking up. They know it too; they’ll point it out when they try to make you look like a baby in your next spat. You close your eyes and lean in. They skim your lips with theirs avoiding that kiss you’ve wanted for quite sometime now. They whisper goodnight and give you that devious smile as they shut the door behind them. They taunt you with the remote, now this? What’s next? Are they going to steal your soul? They’ve got to be the Blair Witch, or at least closely related. Inside you’re yelling that you hate them like you always do, but you just don’t have the energy to say it out loud. And you stand there looking out the window behind your TV like a buffoon; completely heartbroken for the evening.

The door opens and you’re peripheral vision catches their smile again. They sneak back into your apartment and run their hands up your arms onto your shoulders sending chills everywhere including the tips of your fingers. You just shake your head out of frustration, but wind up smiling.

“That was cruel,” they manage to mumble half laughing. You grunt out something that in some language probably meant something along the lines of “affirmative.” They put their arms around you and bring you in closer. Yeah, so back to that kiss you were just thinking about. Never in your life have you thought that something so animalistic could be so...civilized. Their lips apparently like yours and your lips are sure liking theirs a whole lot considering your door has been open for 20 minutes now, and your 85 year old neighbor Mrs. Trotchki has her jaw, minus a set of dentures, on the floor right outside. At 10:30 the next morning while you’re all cozied up in bed, face to face with them, the arguing starts again. This time you started it:

“Listen, if something ever happened to you, I’d die. I’ve loved you since the moment I met you.” You take the tip of your index finger and poke them in the nose and smile.

“No, I love you more. No ands, ifs, or buts...” they say as they cuddle up as close as possible. Once again you’re wrong and they’re right. You don’t have the strength to be a pain in the ass right now, so you just go back to bed, smiling as you sleep.