Tender and Tired

As the fire falls from the sky, the heavens burn and evil surrounds me; I do not notice, as I have always lived in hell. This hell is the loneliness within me; I spend all my days trying to make others happy as it is something I could never do for myself. Trying to fill the voids with other people’s happiness is a temporary high, a narcotic that can quickly fade, leaving a husk, an empty shell. This shell is not a symptom of withdrawal but instead it is my true self, a dark cascade that I fear, that is my fear. This fear is situated in the deepest of my roots, I understand that I will never be anyone’s ‘special someone’. I do not have the capacity to achieve what it is people look for; impossibly high standards that I cannot live up to. I cling to those I care for too quickly, hoping for some kind of acceptance which I know in my heart will never arrive. Self doubt has driven me to the darkest of holes, I try to claw myself free but I try with little enthusiasm. I feel nothing but this space, a fact which I can hide to all observers. I go to bed hungry just so I can feel something different. I do not know why I hate myself so much, all I know is that I have little to like. Mankind spends each day planning for the future. You only live for a single event, be it the publishing of a long awaited book or the hope of a new television show. Some hope to see their children grow, or look forward to when they next see their family. Mankind clings to the smallest of things, one event to stay alive for. This event is then stringed to another so that any person on the street could tell you what it is they are doing on a specific day. I have found that I now hope for nothing, look forward to no future. Without hope there is nothing. I wish I could be truly happy, but I know, as my life goes on that this too is out of reach, and so I think that there is little or nothing to look forward to. “He who has hope can never despair"

I have no hope…

“When I die I will go to heaven, I’ve spent my time in hell”
- Vietnam Military Saying