Angela

My oldest son, Marcus, was sitting at the kitchen table flipping through a scrapbook of press clippings. It's something he liked to do from time to time.

"Which one?" I asked leaning over his shoulder.

Marcus used his right hand as a book mark, then brought the cover down.

ANGELA SALOM TEN YEARS AND COUNTING, was embossed in gold.

"Oh, that's the year I beat out Rebecca Smythe for best actress." I reached over and began flipping the pages

"Mom." Marcus whined.

"Calm your hemorrhoids, will ya. Here." I came to the page I was looking for and tapped Rebecca's face with my finger. "There she is. What a cu..."

Marcus cleared his throat.

"I mean jerk. A really, really big jerk. When I worked on her televisionv show I wanted to strangle her, I swear. She would walk around in her freaking turban and she had this damn cigarette holder that she used to point at people and one day I had enough and I..."

"Broke it over her head. I've heard this story a hundred times, mom. But ahm, there is a story I do want to hear."

"What?"

Marcus motioned to the chair across from him. "Go sit."

"Too much togetherness for ya, hunh?" I kissed his sun bronzed cheek and tousled his black wavy hair. If he didn't look like his father, I don't know who he looked like. The only sign of me in him was his almond shaped blue eyes.

I sat across from Marcus and he slid the book to me. "Why is this in here?"

You are cordially invited to the wedding of Miss Mara Wallingbird and Mr. Evan Briggs on February 14th...the invitation began.

"Oh, that's nothing. I don't even know why it's in here." I closed the book and made the lame excuse I had to wash my hair and avoided any further questions even as Marcus followed me up to the bathroom. I turned on the water to drown out the knocking on the door. Then I figured since I was in there and the water was heated up, I'd might as well take a shower.

It had been years since I thought about what had happened, but since Marcus brought it up, it was all I could think about. From the beginning of my relationship with Evan, to the point of no return. Damn kid.

I met Evan at a bus stop when were fifteen. I was going to a dentist appointment and he was going to ballet rehearsal. I thought he was a queer when I heard that but he was someone to talk to.

Well, Evan wasn't queer, I'll tell ya, because he got the biggest crush on me and would not leave me alone. I did everything from telling him to get lost to filling his virgin ears with stories of the sexual encounters I had but nothing stopped him from calling me, coming to my house,and meeting me at school. Now a days they call it stalking but back then he was just a pain in the ass.

Who knows when, but somewhere along the way Evan grew on me and before I knew it we were best friends. He was a good guy who cared about me. He asked me what I thought, how I felt, what I wanted out of life. He bought me thoughtful little gifts and even choreographed a ballet for me.

All any other guy ever did for me was get me off. It's too bad, years ago that was important to me-oh who am I kidding, it never stopped being important but after feeling the loss of someone who loved me and realizing I loved him too, I appreciate the fact my husband's crazy about me as much as the fact he gets me off. But back then it was different.

I did love Evan in a young selfish way which wasn't the best thing for either of us. He rehearsed a lot and I yearned a lot but we went and got engaged anyway. I probably would have gone through with marrying him it if I hadn't found out I was pregnant but when I saw blue, I saw what my life would be. A mother.

"Here's your cookies and milk Jr."

"Whose turn is it to carpool this week,Madge?"

A wife.

"Oh, I simply can't go another round, Gus. My husband will be home any minute with his troupe and I haven't even vacuumed yet."

Not for me.

If I believed for two seconds Evan would be realistic about the whole thing I would have told him about the baby. I knew better though. He would want to keep it even if it meant giving up his dream and we'd all be screwed. So, I did the smart thing and headed west.

I found myself in a small hickville town full of well, hicks, but they were nice people. Rona rented me a room and Chuck gave me a job in the diner. I was doing pretty well for myself and thought I had found my calling as a waitress.

I had the baby, put it up for adoption and continued my journey to California with dreams of big tips shining in my eyes. I was not disappointed. Within a week I found a job in a swanky restaurant. I flirted and made a small fortune in a months time but the thrill of realizing my destiny was wearing off.

One day, on a whim, instead of going straight up the road to work, I turned and went to the studio theme park. After seeing sharks, and movie monsters, I decided to try out the phony movie. Wouldn't you know it, there was an agent in the audience with his family and he insisted I was a star. I insisted he was nuts but I was getting bored with my life and agreed to meet him at his office the next day. I did a reading for him and the rest as they say is history.

Meanwhile, Evan had done pretty well for himself in the ballet world and was almost as famous as I was, so it eas inevitable we'd meet up again. It was at a party. When we saw each other we both stopped in our tracks.

Evan was first to break the silence. "Let's go outside."

I did not want to have the conversation he'd want to have so I shook my head.

He walked toward me. The closer he came the more I saw his face, the more I saw his face, the more I wanted to run but I couldn't move. "Shit."

"Ang, outside." His voice was firm and controlled but his eyes were wet.

"There's no point, Evan."

He outstretched his hand. "Please, I need to know. Just give me that."

I don't know if it was because I felt sorry for him or felt guilty or what but Evan was the only person on the planet who could get me to do something I didn't want to do. Didn't it piss me off, even as I took his hand and let him lead me out the door. I do have to say it felt good touching him again though.

Once we got onto the porch I was over my hesitation and took the lead. "I left because I was pregnant and didn't want it and I knew you would. There, now you know."

What happened next surprised me, though it shouldn't have. Evan started to wail.

A part of me wanted to slap him and tell him to shut up because he sounded like an idiot. Another part of me wanted to hug him. And a small, minuscule part of me shared his sorrow. I compromised. I rubbed his back and said,"Relax, it may not even have been yours. Chances are good it wasn't."

Well, he stopped crying all right. He shrugged my hand off his back and turned my way. The look on his face, man, I knew he wanted to pound me and if he had been anyone else I would have been scared.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic. I'm the actress for crying out loud."

"Bitch." He hit the post. Pieces of wood splintered off.

"I did us all a favor."

"By running away with our child?"

"But she's not ours, Evan. She belongs to whoever adopted her. The people who wanted her. The people whose dream she is, not the people who would have to give up their dreams for her."

Evan's face softened. He ran his hand through his dark hair. "A girl?"

I nodded. "Ya."

"So you saw her."

"I held her for a minute."

"Does she look like me?"

"It was hard to tell. She wasn't more than an hour old when they brought her in."

"I know she's mine, Ang. I don't care how many men you were with, I know."

"Or you can believe she's not and save yourself a lot of pain."

"Like you do."

"She came out of my body, so I don't have the luxury of doubt but I do know I did the right thing. I mean where would we be right now? Living in a cheap apartment in a bad neighborhood, struggling to make ends meet. Maybe you'd teach dance, or maybe you'd have to settle for a fast food joint. I'd be stuck at home caring for her and how happy would that make me, being tied down to a kid. How happy would the kid be?"

Evan enveloped me in his arms "Like you do." he whispered in my ear.

I didn't want to talk about it any more, so I nodded just to shut him up-yeah, that's it.


Evan and I started keeping in touch. One thing lead to another and we got married.

At first it was great. Between Evan's performances and my films we didn't see a hell of a lot of each other and when we did it was cool. We had some good times together.

Sometimes when people recognized us on the street we'd pretend to be celebrity look a likes who spoke very little English. I don't know why, but it was fun, especially when people would talk louder so we'd understand them and we'd pretend it helped.

There was the time I had to learn to dance for my role in 'Dancing Donna' and Evan volunteered to teach me. He was a slave driver, I'll tell ya.

"No,no,no, one-two, one-two," he stomped his foot with the ryhthm. "There is no three count in this step. Get rid of it."

For two weeks that's all we did. I found it frustrating but I liked how he took control and didn't put up with my 'Oh, it's good enough, they'll fix everything in editing,' crap. I loved Evan to no end at that time and I cried when he had to leave for a tour. But alas, when he came home the spell had been broken and I couldn't wait for him to leave again, so I could go about my business.

When I first started sleeping around on Evan, I didn't feel guilty because I knew he wouldn't care. Well, he would care but to keep me he'd turn a blind eye. So, for a while I had my cake and ate it too, but it wasn't long before I just wanted out of the marriage. I loved Evan but not like I should have and it didn't feel right to pretend it was any other way.

Evan cried and begged me to stay when I told him I was leaving. He even went as far as getting on his hands and knees and promising me he'd change if I stayed.

I told him he was an idiot. That no woman, including me was worth the bull shit.

He insisted I was because I was special. He reminded me he was there before the lime light and knew what life had been like for me. He told me I was a survivor and someone to be admired. He told me he understood me and accepted me the way I was. And of course he told me that he loved me.

I told him to get over it and move on with his life, like I'd all ready done.

Of course it wasn't that easy. Evan was like he had been when we were kids. Always calling me and wanting to meet with me. At first I understood but after a while I stopped having anything to do with him but eventually he wore me down and I let him come over to tell me the 'important' news he had.

When Evan told me he was getting married I was happy for him. Yeah, at first I nearly bust a gut when I found out it was to Mara Wallingbird. It's not that Mara wasn't a cool person, she was, at least what I knew of her from the bookstore Evan and I used to go to sometimes, but come on,roly poly, bubble faced, four foot nothing, bookstore owner, Mara Wallingbird and the premiere Dansuer of our time.

I could picture their wedding. Evan looking like a god and Mara looking like a powdered dough nut hole. You'd have laughed in his face too under the circumstances.

But once the shock wore off, and I emptied the rest of my bladder in the toilet, I was glad Evan had found a good woman. A woman who appreciatd him and wouldn't break his heart time and again like I had and more important, he would leave me alone.

Then it started.

Evan and Mara were on the covers of all the magazines. A photo of Mara with a rose in her mouth being dipped by Evan. Evan and Mara snuggling on the couch. Evan and Mara sharing a milkshake with two straws. Mara and Evan kissing. All happy happy,joy, joy and the world couldn't get enough of them, which didn't bother me in the least. At the time I had just been nominated for best actress so I had more than my share of media attention and my address book was full of men willing to dip me.

Then some idiot got the bright idea to run a poll. Angela or Mara: Who should Evan be with?

According to the follow up results, Mara came in at 51%, while I came in at 40%. The other 9% recommended Evan start over and find someone new.

Now, I could have dealt with that but they had to go and put in quotes from letters they received. Things like: "The man is C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy. What's he thinking? Mara is F-U-G-L-Y, fugly and Angela is H-O-T, hot."

"As a man I'd have to choose Angela over Mara because I couldn't imagine having to see Mara everyday but Angela, I could look at her forever and never tire of it."

"Mara, definitely. It's nice to see a man go for substance over fluff."

"I know what Evan saw in Angela but I have no idea why he stayed past breakfast. I'm glad he's come to his senses and chose a real woman, not a Barbie doll."

Now, I'm not one to put much stock in people's opinion of me. I'd never leave my house if I did, but a nerve was struck and the war was on. I was going to show a bunch of people I didn't even know they were wrong about me. I was going to show them there was more to Angela Salom than just a pretty face.

I got into my car and headed for Evan's dance studio. I was filled with anticipation. I had it all planned, I'd tell Evan I wanted him back, his cat green eyes would tear, his chin would quiver and at that moment I'd kiss him. It would be bye, bye Miss Wonderful. A blow up doll couldn't do that. It never crossed my mind it'd go any other way.

Inside the studio Evan draped a towel around his neck and began to sop up the sweat from his face.

"You are so sexy when you stink.", I said from the doorway.

He turned my way. "Ang, what are you doing here?"

"Aren't you glad to see me?"

"Of course. I'm just surprised." He gave one final wipe then removed the towel from his neck.

"Can I come in?"

Evan tossed the towel onto the chair. "Sure."

While walking toward Evan, I caught my reflection on the mirrored wall. My high pony tail swayed to and fro and looked like it was attached to a horses ass. Turns out it was a preview to how I was going to feel.

"So, Ang, what brings you here?" Evan asked when we were face to face. "Come to have another good laugh?"

"Oh, my head, Evan, I told you I didn't mean anything by that. Get over it, will ya."

Evan sighed and shook his head. "You are one of a kind."

"It's part of my charm." I smiled winningly.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Ahm, so why are you here?"

I took his hand. "Let's sit."

Evan's brow furrowed and his full red lips became a thin line but he joined me cross legged on the floor anyway.

"I'm kinda sad"

Evan bowed his head and took a deep breath. "I've been expecting this." He lifted his head. "Ang, I know..."

"No, you don't know. You don't know cause it's so easy for you and Mara. You're so freaking nice and she's so full of substance and I'm, I'm like the fucking Mona Lisa-worth a lot of money and nice to look at but beyond that there's not much to say."

"What are you talking about?"

God he could be so lame. "The poll Evan, the poll. That's what people are saying about me."

Evan lifted his hand. "Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. What poll are you talking about?"

"Jesus, don't you read any of your publicity? The poll. Me or Mara. Whose better for you."

Laughter echoed through the studio. "That's why you're here?"

"Well, yeah." I swatted at him. "And it's not funny. It made me feel like I'm sub human."

"Ang, you know that's not true."

"Everyone seems to think so."

"Not me. And not Mara. She adores you."

I was sure by the end of the day, she'd be feeling something more like hatred toward me, in spite of all her substance.

"Do you still love me?" I asked knowing the answer but wanting to hear it.

Evan studied my face while his contorted into something reminiscent of a prune. "Ang, I'll always love you, you know that. I mean, we've known each other since we were kids and we've been through a lot together."

I nodded. "Are you in love with me?"

Evan lowered his eyes and shook his head. "No."

I felt a smirk cross my lips. "Yes, you are."

Evan took my hands into his. I felt my heart race as he raised up off the floor and helped me to do the same.

"It was nice seeing you again, Ang, but it's time you go."

Wait. That was not how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to say he was in love with me, but was set to marry Mara in two days and I would say marry me instead. You know the rest.

"No."

"Ang, it's..."

I kissed him and he did not return it. He pulled away.

"I'm in love with Mara."

"You know you want me, you friggin know it Evan Briggs and you're just worried you won't be the nice guy anymore if you admit it."

"You're the one who came here all upset about some stupid poll and the only reason you're doing this is to prove something. Well, Angela, you're going to have to find another guy to be your bitch."

Ouch! That hurt but it would take more than that to put me out of commission.

"You rent a set of balls, Evan? Or did your bull dyke loan you hers?"

Evan shook his head. "You don't get it,do you?"

"What's to get?"

"Love, Ang."

"You are so freaking corny."

"Maybe. But I had never met a woman who touched my soul until I got to know Mara."

Evan had often said when he danced his soul became one with the music and no one or nothing could come between them. If you'd ever seen him dance you would know what a powerful connection it was and Mara had somehow managed to become part of it. So, that was it.

"Ang, you okay?"

My eyes filled with tears and my chin quivered. I couldn't speak. All I could do was run toward the door. The funny thing was it had nothing to do with Evan choosing Mara over me. That didn't matter anymore. It was realizing I had never been that special to him. I was heartbroken.

Just as I was running out the door I was stopped by Evan's hands on my shoulders.

"Let-me-go." I said between sobs.

"Not like this."

"I need to leave."

"Ang, please."

I needed some comforting so I turned around, put my head on his chest and bawled like a freaking baby while Evan held me. It felt good to be in his arms again and I cried even more because of it.

"I'm glad you found someone you truly love." I said when I found my voice.

"Me too." Evan kissed my neck.

I raised my head off his chest to see what was up and his lips met mine. Before I knew what was happening our tongues intertwined and danced the jitterbug. This time it was me who pulled away.

"Evan..."

"Oh, Lord." His hand was gliding all over his face. "This can't be happening. I'm marrying Mara in two days. It can't be happening." He looked at me. "But it is. Shit!"

"What?" I was confused.

"Angela, it's you. I may burn in hell on earth but damn it, it's you."

"But you said Mara is the only woman who has ever touched your soul."

"She is. She touches my soul but you Ang, you are my soul."

We got married three days later.

I never said we didn't get back together. It just didn't go as I planned.

That's why I keep the wedding invitation; whenever I feel old urges coming back, or Evan gets on every last nerve I have, I look at that invitation and I remember how I felt that day. It'd been years and then Marcus had to...Damn kid.