One Day at a Time

SUPERSIZE THAT FOR ME, PLEASE
By
DeBorn Luzer

Whew! One less thing to feel guilty about. The news is out now that eating a low-fat diet does not decrease the risk of a heart attack. How about that? Not that I’ve ever really worried about it all that much because I’ve been on the go so much in my life that I usually just grabbed a ninety-nine cent heart attack in a bag to go from whatever fast-food joint was nearest. I became really skilled at eating fried chicken with one hand and not getting any grease or crumbs on my tie while I was driving.
I just wonder why that it took them so long to find this earth-shattering news out. Maybe they had to do a study of people over a long period of time and see who died first. My next question would be as to how they determined that a high-fat diet did increase the chances of a heart attack? Wouldn’t the study take just as long? Who determines these things, anyway? Does a bunch of scientists run a lot of tests or do they just look at some of the foods and think to themselves, “This can’t be healthy. Look at all the grease and fat running off”. I think the same thing when I look at a stewed oyster.
I remember when milk was good for you because it contained calcium. Then milk became bad for you because it contained calcium. Now milk is good for you again because you need calcium. Same thing with eggs. Eggs used to be really healthy for you because of all the protein they contained. Then they became bad for you because of all the cholesterol. Now they are good for you again because they feed the chickens a different kind of food.
Time was that all you could hear when you were a kid was, “Get out of this house and get some fresh air and sunshine.” These days sunshine isn’t even healthy for you any more because it will give you skin cancer. That’s another one of those things that I can’t figure out what took so long for them to discover. The sun’s been around for really long time. It would have been nice to have known this fact when I was growing up and we had finally gotten a television. I would never have missed any of the Big Top Circus, or Gunsmoke, programs.
I also found out last week that the main cause of liver disease in the United States is acetaminophen or, in other words, Tylenol@ pain reliever. I would never have figured that. I would have guessed alcohol first, and soft drinks second. Looking back, I’ll bet that the reason my liver is in the shape it is, is because of taking all that pain medication the next morning for my hangovers and that what I drank too much of had nothing to do with it. Now I don’t know if I should try suing the alcohol manufacturers or the pain medicine manufacturers. Oh well, by the time I could get either one of them to court alcohol and acetaminophen would be declared good for me.
At least now, after reading about the low-fat situation I can banish one of my secret guilt problems stemming from childhood about all the sausage, ham, and pork chops I ate, all of which were usually fried with a generous glob of lard (fat). I can even remember the home-made biscuits that I loved so well, that also had a large ladle of lard cooked in them, without that twinge of conscience. Now, if they can just come out with some really great fact-breaking news that cigarettes and nicotine and tar are good for me I’ll be one of the healthiest people around.