Open Mouth-Insert Foot

Open Mouth-Insert Foot

         I have a natural talent for putting my mouth in gear long before my brain has had a chance to engage. Over the years I have acquired a sizeable repertoire of colloquialisms that just spring from my mouth and get me into trouble at every turn. This knack for putting my foot in my mouth proves useful in alleviating boredom in a conference room, breaking the tension in awkward situations, and just generally making a lasting first impression. Okay, so it isn’t necessarily a great first impression, but it usually is memorable.
         I’ve often wondered where that expression “putting your foot in your mouth” originated. Surely people never really tried to speak with five toes sticking out of (or into) their face. And I just can’t imagine any culture where a verbal faux pas would warrant such a penalty. As a child I was occasionally threatened with having my mouth washed out with soap, but never once did my disciplinary mentors ever suggest such an unsanitary punishment as making me put my foot in my mouth.
         Now once I get a phrase stuck in my head, it spins round and round in my tiny little brain until I’m forced to take some suitable action that will dispel the offending verbiage once and for all. In this particular instance the only logical action was to take the metaphorical into the literal…
         I decided to canvas my poor unsuspecting co-workers on the realities of physically ‘putting a foot in your mouth”…. well, to their mouth, actually. That would be close enough. I work with some pretty whacky people, but they do have hygiene and sanitary standards after all. I would survey all of my coworkers, regardless of age, sex, job title, or physical stature. This was going to be a politically correct, equal opportunity survey.
         Surprisingly, only a very few people actually responded to my query with that “Are you out of your mind?” stare. Obviously these people didn’t know me that well, or they wouldn’t have had to wonder. A few of the more dignified people responded with a quizzical look and a simple “I doubt it.” I could tell that they were really wondering, though, because as I walked away I could see a perplexed look on their face and would catch them glancing down at their feet in mental contortion.
         Most of my subjects (or victims) however, actually tried to demonstrate their ability. Some were simply curious to see if they were limber enough to accomplish such a feat. while others wanted to show off their agility. As I’d talk to one worker, three or four others in the department would glance with nonchalant curiosity until their co-worker’s foot started to rise awkwardly from the floor towards his or her face. Suddenly bewilderment, incredulous amazement, quizzical laughter and total hysteria would permeate the room as my subject gyrated and contorted in an effort to comply with the physical challenge.
         Some contestants stood, others sat, and one or two even fell, but thankfully nobody got hurt. Male or female, young or old, portly or svelte, the results showed no bias. Only about 20 percent of my co-workers shared my predisposition for literally, if not metaphorically ‘putting my foot in my mouth.’ I guess you either have the knack or you don’t!
         Needless to say, the phrase “putting your foot in your mouth” took on a whole new meaning to my eighty or so co-workers that day. But the true richness of the episode can only be fully appreciated when you picture those eighty people going home to their families and asking their children and spouses the same question. That night, in homes all over southern Maine, children and adults were gyrating, contorting, twisting and bending, and performing physical acrobatics never before seen in public places. What I wouldn’t have given to be an owl that night, flying from house to house and peeking in the windows. No wonder they call us Maine-iacs!
         Hey…nobody’s looking. Go ahead. Try it. You know you want to!