Creating Your Best Life

*No one has the power to hold us back or to move us forward except ourselves. Others may provide the spark, but it's up to us to tend the fire. Others may attempt to smother our flame, but we are only victims if we choose to be.

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I was reminded today that the thing that causes most of our stress is wanting things to be different than they are. If we choose to adapt to change, there is no stress. It's our thoughts about things that create our stressful feelings.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't use our power to change the things we can. It's about the wisdom to know the difference.

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Limitations exist in our minds. So does success. It is up to us to decide which one we are going to manifest.

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Every success story and every rags to riches story, began as a journey in someone's mind - an idea, a belief, a vision of what can be attained. Some success stories even involve achieving the seemingly impossible.

Consider the bumblebee, who scientifically should not be able to fly. But since she doesn't know her limitations, she flies anyway.

Some people start out with more limitations than others, but for all of us, attainment is predicated on what we choose to believe, think and do. Doing is the final step, and the least effective of the three, although also vital to the achievement.

I saw part of Barbara Walters' special the other night, and one of the things that affected me was hearing that as a child, Oprah viewed Sidney Poitier on TV receiving an Academy Award and said to herself that she would be receiving the award one day. This bears out that when we have a vision, life responds by bringing about the circumstances and events to make that vision a reality. Begin with the end in mind, as Stephen Covey puts it.

Simple, but definitely not easy. After all, it's the struggle to emerge from the cocoon that makes the butterflies wings strong enough to be useful for flight. Without that struggle, the creature is beautiful but crippled. It can never reach its potential, nor fulfill its purpose.

Still doesn't make it any easier, but offers a perspective that we can be grateful for the struggle, if we want to.

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If you must speak, why not say something that blesses the hearer?

If you must serve, why impress your customer with a sense of their value?

If you must face the world, why not do so with optimism and a smile?

If you must evaluate yourself, why not do so with kindness and compassion?

If you must judge, why not judge all to be worthy of love and acceptance?

If you must see, why not focus on light rather than darkness?

We may not always choose our circumstances, but we can always choose our attitude, our focus and our response.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ...Dalai Lama

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I think the key to living the life of your dreams is to determine who you wish to be, what you wish to experience, and what you wish to do in your life. Then reject any thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors that are not in alignment with those purposes.

Many people believe of a certain personality trait, "That's just the way I am." I believe otherwise. Who we are is who we choose to be. We may be making that choice unconsciously, but we are still choosing. We have a choice in how any event or person affects us, and whether we continue in a certain way of being or whether we change direction. For instance, a person can say, "I'm shy. That's just the way I am." Or, they can say, "I'm shy, but I'm not happy with the results of being shy. I choose to do things outside of my comfort zone until I learn to be at ease in social situations." This I have experienced, so I am speaking scientifically. It's when we begin making conscious choices as to who we are that we take back power from any event, person or circumstance to affect us in any way except the way we choose. We may have an initial reaction that is unconscious, but we can quickly regain perspective and choose our response to the stimulus.

As far as beliefs, there are a lot of them out there. Why not choose the ones that take you where you want to go? Why hold on to any beliefs that are not creating a wonderful life for you? If a belief limits you, creates unhappiness or low self-esteem or keeps you from experiencing life abundantly, it does not serve you, and I can think of no valid reason to retain that belief. At one time, I believed that if it weren't for strict rules and laws, one's life would be marked by chaos and destruction. But my experience has borne out that when you choose to live free, you don't become some monster that runs over people to get what you want. We are not evil by nature. We are created by God in His image. He is love, therefore, we are created in the image of love.

It is only in the bondage of fear, anger and hate that we lose touch with our true selves. When we free ourselves from that bondage, we find that our essence is love. And when we heal ourselves, we begin to exude a healing energy that invites others to heal as well. At least, that's been my experience.

My approach to positive living is scientific. I learn of a principle or concept, and if it sounds helpful, I accept it as theory. Then I compare it to past and present observations and experiences, test it out and analyze the results before I accept it wholeheartedly.

The opposite side of that coin is that I have come to believe that we create our own reality by what we believe and think. Or, as someone else put it, 'There is no reality, only perception.' That's a radical concept, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Even if something happens to you that you would never deliberately choose, how you perceive it becomes your reality - your story, so to speak. You have the power to change the story if you wish, by changing your perception of the event. I have used this principle personally to break the hold of past traumatic events on my life.

Anyway, I don't have it all figured out, but I am steadily figuring. And I probably will be forever. But it's one of the things that makes life interesting to me, so I don't mind. So, if there's anything in there you find helpful, use it. If not, thanks for listening anyway.

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You can't do anything about your heritage, but you can do everything about your legacy.

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"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all." ~Helen Keller

It's all part of the adventure. Every life is it's own adventure story. What would an adventure story be without obstacles to overcome? Perhaps the obstacles are there to test our ingenuity, to add interest, and to promote growth and prevent stagnation. It's a possibility.

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Here's what I think.

Looking at it from a purely scientific standpoint, from the experience of eliciting buy-in from my 15-year-old daughter on my "no single dating" policy (My philosophy is that until people are old enough to take responsibility for any mistakes they might make, they don't need to be alone with the opposite sex. Adult decisions are for adults.): anyway, my point is, it is my belief that buy-in is more a function of trust developed by what one has invested in the relationship than it is of convincing someone that one is right or brilliant or simply in charge.

Then again, that's just my opinion. I'm sure there are others that are just as valid.

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You have the power to make a tremendous difference in the many lives you touch each day.

By blessing others with your kindness and encouragement, you can make a difference in their individual lives, and perhaps the ripples of kindness will go on forever.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
-Leo Buscaglia

Every life that is turned around by kindness has the potential to affect countless other lives in the same fashion.

Wield the power of kindness freely and generously. True power is not tyranny exercised over others. True power is affecting your own life and the lives of others in a way that empowers all of us to make an ever-increasing contribution to our world. This effect is not the result of some great heroic deed, but of simple kindness and encouragement practiced freely and regularly.

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Life has given me plenty of obstacles to overcome, but the way I look at it, it will only make my success story all the more compelling. It's all part of the adventure. What would an adventure story be without difficulties to test the adventurer's mettle?

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned over the past few years is that other people's actions and reactions are not about me, but about them. My father's rejection was not about me being unwanted, but about him being incapable of any real relationship. My mother's anger was not about me not being good enough, but about her inability to deal with stress.

By the same token, my own actions and reactions are my own responsibility. I receive no value from blaming others for my behavior. I receive no value from the belief that this is the way I am and I can't help the way I behave. The truth is that I have the power to change anything about my behavior, thoughts or words that is not getting me the results I desire.

Another lesson that has added tremendous value to my life: It is not what happens to me but what I think about what happens to me that determines my experience of a situation. If I think, 'This is horrible. I can't handle this," then I will experience it as defeating. If I think, 'I'm bigger than this problem and I know I will find the solution,' then I will overcome.

One good thing about having overcome tough situations in my past is that I can use this as evidence of my strength to overcome whatever is happening now. It can bring current circumstances into perspective. I can look back and realize I have overcome harder things than this. Having overcome childhood abuse, the loss of siblings I love intensely, and overcoming years of depression using only the power of thought, I will triumph over every other situation that comes my way.

Also, I have learned that my experience of life is my responsibility. It is up to me to fill my own cup. Other people can make contributions to my life, but other people cannot fill me up. I can choose to whine about someone not sending me flowers or I can get myself flowers when I feel the need. Whining and wishing is giving away my power over my own happiness. Acting to meet my own needs empowers me to create my own happiness. I can control only my own behavior, and not anyone else's, so owning my power to create a joyful and wonderful experience of life is the only thing that makes sense to me.

I have learned that there is a difference between being self-centered and self-absorbed. The person who is self-absorbed thinks only of themselves, and how to get what they want, regardless of the cost to others. The self-centered person takes care of themselves and fills their own cup, and then is able to make valuable contributions to the lives of others out of their fullness. I've learned that in theory at least, I am still working on consistency in practice. But I am learning to listen to the signals that I have given too much and do something at that point to fill my cup.

Just as spending more money than you have causes a financial deficit, so spending more than you have emotionally leads to an emotional deficit. If deposits are not made to your emotional account, it causes irritability. If it goes on long enough, it leads to depression. It works the same with energy and anything else that you spend or give. You cannot give what you do not have. So give yourself a lot. Remember the things that bring you joy and do them as much as possible. Then bless the world with an outpouring of the love and wonder and beauty that fills your soul. If you want to, that is. The power and the choice is yours.

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"The glass is half empty." "The glass is half full."

Both can be termed "reality". It depends on which half you choose to focus on. Even better, why not focus on how to fill the glass?

"I can do this." "I can't do this." Either one is true. You decide.

How about, instead of, "That can't be done," substituting, "I haven't figured out how to do that yet, but I will."

Sure, there are a few things that are truly impossible, laws that are immutable, such as gravity. But for most things, the possibility (or impossibility) resides in our thoughts.

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I dare say that what your employer wants from you is results, not burnout. What good are you going to do for anyone who needs you when you can barely drag yourself out of bed? Do yourself and everyone who would benefit from your contributions a favor, take good care of yourself. Perhaps everyone who cares about getting results has to fight the tendency to overdo it. But there are ways to increase the value of your contribution without working harder. There must be. If you worked twice as hard as you are currently working, we would probably be visiting you in a hospital bed. All through the business community, there are people who are obtaining outstanding results without killing themselves in the process. Processes can be refined, time and effort can be leveraged, energy can be managed to increase your productivity. Working with your bodies rhythms rather than against them means you add more value to the time you are working. Haven't we all tried to slog through during times when our bodies and minds are depleted, rather than stopping and doing something to increase our energy levels? How productive was that? There are those times when we just have to slog through, but they should be the exception, not the rule. It is my belief that working too much diminishes productivity rather than increasing it.

There needs to be time and space in your life for all the things that make you happy and productive. Einstein is quoted as saying that he got his best ideas while daydreaming. It is my belief that if you are only doing, and not dreaming, you are severely limiting your productivity and the value of your contribution and you are denying yourself access to much of your potential growth and accomplishment.

What about when we reach our goals, is that the time to coast? No way! While it may not be wise to fix what isn't broken, we can always fine tune it. I know that is the true meaning of "Good is not good enough," although through a perfectionist's filter, it sounded more like, "Nothing you can ever do will ever be good enough." (Ouch! Stomping all over the emotional baggage here! What do you want from me, a kidney?! The good news is, when things happen that open up your emotional baggage, it's an excellent opportunity to clear it out.

Another reason it's important to leave margin for thinking, dreaming, and other activities that promote growth is the rapidly changing world we live in. We need to be continually upgrading our work product, increasing the value of our contribution. Or, as Steven Covey so eloquently put it, "sharpening the saw".

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I seem to hear a lot of criticism being thrown around these days, but how many of these critics would have the courage to take on the daunting tasks faced by the leaders they criticize?

Or as Teddy Roosevelt so eloquently put it:
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

What value do we receive from criticizing and judging? I am confident there are much better uses for our energy than chipping away at another's reputation. How about taking positive action to correct the problem rather than complaining that someone else isn't?

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Bringing out the best in people is not some mysterious gift that only a select few are blessed with. It is a series of choices and disciplines targeted to that result.

One is the discipline of thinking about how to give correction so that the relationship is strengthened rather than weakened. Nobody particularly enjoys being corrected, but if you shape the message in a way that maintains a person's dignity, is honest and fair, and aims at correcting the behavior without undermining the character, the result will usually be edification of the individual and strengthening of the relationship as well as correction of the behavior.

Another helpful discipline is maintaining a high praise-to-correction ratio. If we want a strong, solid relationship with our team members, we must earn the right to correct them by interacting with them in ways that demonstrate that we value them and their contribution. People don't care what you know until they know that you care.

Weigh every decision and interaction in terms of its long-term effect. We would be wise to let go of obsolete ideas and methods on how to manage people. To discover which methods are obsolete, look at the results they get. Are our methods of interacting with people creating a positive environment or a negative one? Getting the job done is only part of the picture. Retaining and developing people is the greater part. Keeping the right people is the way to ensure future results. What do we really gain if we get short-term results, but damage our resources for the future? This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Things are changing far too rapidly to remain stuck in old patterns and still be effective, and if we are not wise in the ways we interact with people, we will drain value from our organization by losing quality people. Why hold on to antiquated ideas about the way things "should" be, especially when it is evident those practices are not getting us the results we desire? Why not trade ineffective methods and practices for ones that catalyze success?

The quality of your communication and your interaction with others is revealed by the results you get. I have heard insanity defined as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. If a method or practice is not getting the desired effect, change it.

Flexibility, openmindedness and resilience trump knowledge, leaders trump bosses, and businesses that value their human resources first and foremost trump those that put profits first. Moreover, the result of putting people first is retaining quality people AND increasing profits. People will care more about making your business successful and supporting your goals if they feel you care about them.

Don't confuse gentleness with weakness. Sure, there is a risk that others may mistake our gentleness for weakness. This doesn't mean we have to be harsh for people to know we mean business. If gentle correction does not get results, demonstrate the consequences of unacceptable behavior by taking action, not by harsh or demeaning words. It is the behavior that is unacceptable, not the person.

Just like vehicles, people have steering mechanisms that vary in responsiveness. If someone has a highly responsive steering mechanism, all they need is a gentle nudge to get them on the right track. If you give their wheel a jerk, you are going to send them veering off the road. Be sensitive to the feedback you get from the person you are dealing with. Why use more force than is needful to get the desired results?

Rather than getting upset with someone for speaking their mind, why not analyze what they say for truth and value and for something you can use to find a solution that works for both of you? Why shouldn't someone speak up for their life? Why shouldn't we be empowered to build a life where all the parts work together to create an amazing life experience?

What are we here for if not to experience our fullest potential for love, joy, achievement and growth and to contribute to one another's lives and enterprises? Why just live and let live? Why not live and help live?

At least, that's the way I see it.