Losing my innocence

If I had to describe myself as a high school freshman, in one word, it would be.. akward. I started high school quiet, frumpy and unpopular. I was "self-diagnosed" with low self esteem. At that point I hadn't realized how much lower it could get.

That year, I was 5'10 120 lbs, with long blonde hair and blue eyes. I tend to be put into the "cute" category, which I'm fine with. Most of my friends were made online in poetry chatrooms. I always felt that they knew me for who I was. I wish I had understood that one Instant Message could forever change who I was.

His name was JP, he was 17, a wrestler, football player, and senior. He was 5'10 275 lbs. And Popular. After we talked online, we met at school and started "dating". From then on I was known as JP's girlfriend. I hated the attention. I broke it off, telling him I had no intention of being popular. I was fond of my shell.

However, we ended up together. He seemed so kind and everyone loved him. He was great at first, walked me to my classes. Imagine his letter jacket on me that I could have alternated for a dress. Literally.

We fought, if that's what you call it. He was jealous, I was insecure. We were the perfect recipe for disaster. which I would not soon enough figure out. I remember our first major fight. He had driven me home from school. My parents weren't home. We started fighting, about sex of all things. I was a virgin, he wasn't. I recall telling him to get that thought out of his mind. He called me a tease and threw his drink at me. I told him to leave. After slamming his head into the wall, gashing it, he left.

Being very naive, I forgave him. A week later, he slapped me, I cannot recall why. Within the next few months I ended up with two black eyes, a stab wound, and a broken nose. We were still together.

In July, my dad left. On top of an abusive relationship, I was now tending to my depressed mother. I was overwhelmed. And he seemed to be the only constant in my life. So I held on like crazy to the one thing I thought I had. And he took advantage of it.

We had an argument one night over the phone and he told me that he wished I would kill myself. I ended up overdosing, and landed a window room in a "mental facility". Lived there two weeks. When I went home, things were different. I wasn't allowed to see JP. I only thing I felt I had left.

By now I was a sophomore, and he had graduated. I was more outgoing, which I credit to the fact of being highly dosed on paxel, an anti-depressant, which was shoved down my throat everyday.

I cannot recall the exact time that I realized I was better then what he was causing. I do remember that he said he needed a break and I gladly agreed. A week later when he called, I didn't accept his calls. Not because someone told me not to, but because I didn't want to. I felt great. I went out with friends, and made up for all the time I had lost.

I cannot remember the girl I was when I walked into a big intimidating High School as a 14 year old freshman, but I know that the person I am today, is not her.




My innocence was stolen, but yours doesn't have to be. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - - Eleanor Roosevelt