Angels Are Missing

In a land where commercials govern money and how much of it people keep in their pockets after a single trip out the door it is easy to forget about the people who don’t seem to retain very much. I am one of those people. I live in an apartment with my older brother Roger, and our roommate, Mark. Between the three of us we have of lately been able to pay the rent, and the heat, and the lights, but not the phone. They turned it off yesterday and cut off my mother. She was saying how worried she was now that both myself and Roger were out on our own and then she was gone. I suppose that it is appropriate for that to happen because then at least mom has a reason to be a little worried. Mark has been making good money and tonight we are all going to have a dinner here.
“Chloe,” Mark said, “are you sure you can get all the cooking done yourself?” as he scrambled around the loft looking for a missing reel of film. “Because Maureen could always come help.”
“I’ll be fine. And your late.” I told him.
Mark stopped dead and looked at the clock. “Shit, shit, shit.” He muttered as he flew out the door.
I turned around a looked at the small plug in electric range that sat on a tabletop. There was no oven. I looked in the refrigerator at the ham that was to be dinner skeptically. Shaking my head I grabbed a bag of potatoes and a bowl to start peeling. After looking everywhere I came to the conclusion that we did not own a peeler and grabbed the sharpest knife I could find. Roger dragged himself out of bed and collapsed on the couch.
“If you cut yourself with that knife I’m not going to help.” He said.
“Some big brother you are. You have a doctor’s appointment today at three.” I said as I reached for another potato. “And I need to know who in this building has an oven.”
“No one. You forget where we are.” Roger yawned. “Is there any coffee?”
“In the pot, but I think its cold.” I told him. “If I can’t find an oven we won’t be having much of a dinner. How am I supposed to cook a whole ham?”
Roger shrugged and left the room with his coffee. I continued with the potatoes. After they were all peeled I put them in a pot. I sat down and began to brainstorm ways to cook a ham without an oven. After a while I realized that Roger was playing his guitar. I listened to him play. Hearing Roger play was what I always used to fall asleep to as a child. I remember him mentioning how he wanted to write the perfect song. That he wanted something to leave behind. He finally did write it, but I have never heard it. Mimi hums it constantly though. I found myself gazing out the window when a shoe suddenly slammed against the pane. I screamed and nearly fell of the couch.
Roger came running out with guitar in hand. “Chloe, what the hell was that?” he asked.
“A shoe. Somebody threw a damn shoe at the window.” I said. I couldn’t understand the point of throwing a shoe at anything.
Roger laughed and ran out on the fire escape. “Collins!” he shouted.
I jumped up and joined him. Down on the street with one shoe on and one in his hand was Tom Collins. It was always nice to see him. “Collins!” I yelled down to him.
“Chloe?” he said looking up at me. “No way you’re out of school already.”
“Well, there’s a way.” I told him.
He smiled. “Throw me the key.”
Roger tossed a key down to him and we went back inside. Roger went and unlocked the door then went to get dressed. I sat down on the couch. As much as I loved Collins I couldn’t help but realize that the last time I had seen him was at Angel’s funeral. Angel had appeared before I moved in here, and left before then also. That funeral was probably the only turning point in my life where I managed to take the right road. If I had never known Angel I would be in a French boarding school because that was the only proper thing that my mother’s daughter could have done.
The first time I had met Angel was on Christmas Eve two years before I moved in here. I was spending the holiday with my brother and Mark. We had been waiting for Collins to come up after throwing him the key, but he didn’t come. We were getting worried, and Mark was going to go out and look for him when the door slid open and a smiling Collins came in. We said our hellos and exchanged hugs and kisses then sat down for a drink provided by Collins only to find out that it hadn’t been Collins at all. He introduced to us a young man dressed up as a female Santa Clause who was also a street drummer. Angel was the first cross dresser I had ever met, and she was amazing. She was what everybody should be. We didn’t talk much that evening because they left for a Life Support meeting. However, the next day we met again at Maureen’s protest.
The protest didn’t go as planned, but I think most people would agree that it certainly had impact on people. Several on me. Literally. Benny, our ex- flat mate, and current landlord, had the police on back up in case the protest actually happened. A riot broke out and everybody scattered. I turned around and couldn’t find anyone. They had all been shoved toward the door. On one side of me were the cops, and the other a mass of people who only wanted to get themselves out.
“Roger!” I yelled into the crowd. I thought I heard him yell back, but there was so much noise. I yelled again, but was pushed over by somebody and fell into a cop. “Let go!” I shouted as his hand closed around my arm. I pulled, trying to get free but he hit me. “Roger! Mark!” I shouted into the crowd. “Collins! Where are you!” That’s when I saw Angel. I didn’t recognize her without the Santa suit and had no idea who she was.
“Get off of her!” she yelled at the cop. He continued to to pull me away. Angel grabbed my hand and kneed the cop hard in the stomach. He let go and Angel pulled over to the stage. I collapsed on the floor. When I woke up she was leaning over me and it scared the hell out of me. I jumped and scooted away from her. “No, its okay. It’s Angel, from yesterday. Remember?” she said. Of course, as soon as I heard the name I knew who it was and felt like a bit of an idiot. She took a tissue out of her purse. “Here, let me look at that.” She turned my head. I hadn’t even realized I was hurt. I brought my hand up to my forehead and could feel wet blood. I looked at my hand and Angel held the tissue the cut. I winced. “It shouldn’t need stitches I don’t think.” She told me. “Come on. We all are meeting at a restaurant.” Angel said while helping me to my feet. We snuck out and headed to Mark and Roger’s favorite spot, the Life Cafe. Through the window we could see everybody inside sliding tables together. We climbed the stairs and opened the door.
“Chloe!” Roger exclaimed as he wrapped me up in a hug. “What happened?”
“Cop tried to drag me off.” I told him. “Angel kneed him in the gut.”
“Your bleeding.” He said as he examined the cut on my head. He looked so worried.
“Roger, I’m fine.” I said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
Late that Christmas night we all walked home. Halfway there we said goodbye to Angel whose apartment was only two blocks from our own. We sat around wrapped up in blankets by candle light and talked till dawn, then went to bed. After a few hours I woke up and knew there was no chance of getting anymore sleep. I got up and went to make a pot of coffee and found there was no sugar. I tied up my sneakers and buttoned up my coat. It was freezing out and I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. I was on my way back from a mini market when I found my self in Angel’s presence for the third time.
I had a bag of sugar in a plastic bag and was hurrying back home to get out of the cold. I heard something behind me. I looked over my shoulder but nothing was there. I figured it must have been the wind and continued down the sidewalk. I heard it again, and I knew it was footsteps. I picked up the pace and was only two blocks from home when somebody grabbed my shoulder. I tried to spin around, but they held me tight with a hand over my mouth. I don’t really know what happened next. I wasn’t thinking I should be paying attention. I was looking for a way out. The only clear memory I have of that day was when he ripped my shirt open. I think I might have passed out at one point, but it doesn’t really matter. I looked around for my coat, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I held my shirt closed and stumbled to my feet. I was shaking all over and used the wall as I walked back out to the sidewalk and looked around. I recognized the building. It was Angel’s. I walked up to the door and tried the lock. It opened. I slipped inside and shut the big door quietly. After scanning the mailboxes I found Angel’s and started climbing stairs. It was hard to do when you’re crying and shaking at once. I stopped in front of his door and wiped my face and clutched my ripped shirt together. I knocked on the door.
“One second!” said a cheery voice from inside. The door flew open to reveal a smiling Angel. In a t-shirt and baggy jeans. There was no make-up, no high heels, no wig. It was him. The smile quickly vanished from his face. “Are you okay honey?” he said as he led me into the apartment. I didn’t say anything. He tried to take my hand, but I wouldn’t let go of my shirt. “Oh my god.” He whispered. I watched his eyes as they took in my ripped shirt and missing button on my jeans. “Chloe, did somebody rape you?” he asked. I nodded and looked at the floor. Angel lifted my chin up and kissed me on the forehead. “Lets get you a different shirt.” He said. I followed him over to the dresser and sat down on the bed. He rummaged in the drawers for a minute, and then I felt him sit down on the bed beside me. He put his hands on my shoulders and slipped my ripped shirt off. He pulled a white lacey top over my head. “It looks better on you.” He said. I don’t really know why, but I started crying. He put his arm around me and I curled up next to him on the bed. “Should I call your brother?” he asked.
“No, phone’s turned off.” I said. “And I don’t want him to know.”
“Chloe,”
“No. He has enough on his mind. Roger hasn’t been the same since April died. I can’t let him know about this.”
“You need to get checked.” He told me.
“I know.”
“Then how do you plan to keep this from Roger?” Angel asked. “You can’t do this alone. Well, you shouldn’t.” I shrugged. “That’s not an answer. Believe me; you’ll want to do this. I know.”
It didn’t take much persuading before I let Angel take me to a doctor. I was tested for everything under the sun, and then told to go home. They said that I would receive the results in the mail a few days later. That was that. Angel and I began to walk to the apartment where Mark, Roger, and Collins were no doubt sitting around with out any sugar for their coffee. Everything seemed to have happened while on fast forward. The last place I wanted to be was home, and already we were walking through the door. Everybody looked at us as we shut the door.
“Please tell me you went out for sugar.” Mark said.
“Oh, yeah.” I said quietly.
“Where is it?” Collins asked.
I had forgotten I lost the sugar. “oh, well…. See-”
“Where the hell is your coat?” asked Roger. “And I know that isn’t your shirt.”
“No, it’s Angel’s.” I said mechanically.
“Why is it on you?” asked Collins.
“Well, I thought it would look much better on her.” Angel said. “And I really do think I was right. She looks great. Don’t you think?”
I loved Angel for trying to cover up for me, but I knew it wouldn’t work. What kind of believable excuse is there for loosing your coat while you’re wearing it? I certainly couldn’t think of one. Not to mention saying I went out for sugar but not bringing any back, and wearing a cross dresser’s lacey white top. I knew I’d have to tell him, but I didn’t want to right then. It just didn’t feel like the time.
“How about I don’t want to talk about it?” I ventured.
“How about no?” said Roger as he dragged me out to the hall. He closed the door behind us and looked at me. “God, didn’t you brush your hair this morning?” he asked ruffling up my already disastrous hair.
“I did. And I went out for sugar too, but that’s not the point.” I told him.
“Well then dear little sister, what is the point. And your jeans are unbuttoned by the way.” said Roger playfully.
“The sugar wasn’t the point.” I repeated. I could see everything fall together behind his eyes, and I had thought he had gotten it right. I was a little off, and so was he.
“You do know that Angel has AIDS!” he said horrified.
“Dammit, Roger! Why the hell would I sleep with Angel?”
“Then who did you sleep with and why are you wearing her shirt?” he asked. It was obvious that he was relieved that he had been wrong, but I knew he hates being wrong.
“It’s more they with me then me with them.” I tried to explain. I didn’t actually want to say it.
“Please tell me this is some kind of twisted joke.” He said. I shook my head. “You need to go to a doctor then.”
“I already went.”
“You went? Alone?”
“No, Angel took me. It happened in the alley next to his building.” I said. Roger stared at me. He didn’t need to tell me that he was mad that I didn’t come straight home. I could see it on his face. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“You’re my baby sister. It’s my job to worry about you.” He told me.
“But I’m not a baby anymore Roger. I grew up.”
Roger and Angel were both wrecks by the time the results came in the mail. I opened the envelope and read through the letter inside. Angel was reading over my shoulder. When he read the last negative in the list he started jumping up and down. Roger didn’t say anything at all. He just got up and left the room. Angel’s excitement continued for a while. Actually, Angel was in an exuberant mood all week. More so than normal I mean.
I only knew Angel for a matter of months, and it was enough to become the single thing that has ever changed my life. I don’t think it was really fair for me to have met someone so amazing only to loose them a minute later. It was horrible watching him die. Angel was the first person I had ever seen die from AIDS, and it still scares me that it won’t be the last. Collins took Angel to the hospital when he didn’t wake up one morning. He called us from a payphone, but nobody was home. Mark got the message on the machine and managed to round everybody up to tell the bad news Collins left. Mimi started sobbing instantly. She had known Angel longer than all of us. We all walked to the hospital to see him.
“I’m sorry. He’s too sick for visitors.” The doctor said. He had been trying to convince us to go home for the past ten minutes. Roger was furious with him, and Maureen just stood there shell-shocked. Mark and I were pleading to be let in.
“Look,” Joanne interrupted. “Last I checked it doesn’t legally matter what you say. If he wants to see us we are going in there.” I had never been happier to have a lawyer for a friend. “So you go on in there and see if he’s up to seeing us.” She told him. The doctor looked a bit surprised, but went into the room. When he came out Joanne looked at him with a small snicker. “Wellll”
“You can go in.” the doctor said and then left.
We all went inside. It was a bit cramped but it didn’t seem to bother anybody, and Angel seemed happy to see us. I couldn’t believe how sick he had gotten since the day before. Everybody knew that he wasn’t going to make it. We didn’t stay long that night. Angel was weak and tired. Collins stayed with him. Mimi and I went back the next evening so Collins could go home for a shower and sleep. Mimi painted his nails. Around nine she had to leave to go to work. She gave Angel a kiss goodbye and I saw a tear fall on her way out. She knew that it was the last time she would see him. I heard Angel sigh and looked over at him.
“Chloe, join me.” He said casually. “I always love it when we snuggle.”
I curled up next to him on the bed and laid my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head. I don’t think he knew I was crying, but he wrapped his arms around me anyways. “Chloe?” he asked.
“Yeah?”
“What are you thinking?”
“I don’t really know what I’m thinking.” I told him.
“I know.” He said. I looked up at him confused. “You’re scared. Scared because you know this isn’t the last time you have to do this.”
“I can’t do it again. I don’t know how.” I whispered.
“But you will. For Roger, Mimi, and Collins. You’ll do it because you love them. And if you love somebody you are always there for them until the end no matter what that end may be.” Angel told me.
After a few minutes he fell asleep. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I didn’t even want to try. I thought of calling Collins, but I couldn’t bring myself to move in case I woke Angel. To this day I haven’t been able to figure out how I knew, but I did. I wanted Collins to be there. Angel would have wanted him to be there. Apparently Collins somehow knew the same thing I had. He opened the door then, and slipped quietly inside. He sat down on the other side of Angel and looked at me in a way I had never seen cross his face. It was something I could never put into words but understood completely. I knew it was happening before Collins, but I wouldn’t have been able to say anything if I had tried. I felt his breathing. He had to take much bigger breaths than before. It wasn’t long before he started forgetting to breath. He nearly woke up a few times. I was a wreck by the time the monitor started beeping. Collins got up and went to the door. He opened it and stuck his head out.
“Nurse!” he shouted down the hall. He turned back around looking frantic.
“Collins, come sit down. There’s nothing we can do except stay with him.” I said. Collins sat back down and set his hand on Angel’s forehead. He leaned over and kissed Angel for the last time. Five minutes later the doctor had called the time of death. The doctor had named it ten seconds off. I knew because I felt the last heartbeat against my cheek. The nurse called home, and asked Roger to come and get me. She didn’t want me walking through the bad part of town alone. I knew that I should leave Collins alone with him, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want it to be the last time Angel and I fell asleep like this, even though in my heart I knew it was.
The days that followed were all a bit hazy even while I was living them. It was like I was somewhere else; somewhere where Angel wasn’t dead and I wasn’t looking at his casket. After that everything fell apart. It was as if Angel had been the glue that held us together and now everybody was just as separate as they had been before we met Angel. Roger took off for Santa Fe and when mom found out she insisted that I come home. She barely knew Mark and couldn’t let her little girl live with some stranger in New York City. Mark called one day to give me an update on the happenings on his end. He said that Collins was doing okay, and was still working at NYU. He told me that Mimi had gone back to Benny, and that her drug habit was starting to get out of hand. Somewhere during all this Maureen and Joanne managed to reconcile after their very loud brake up at their own engagement party. He asked how Roger was doing, but Roger hadn’t called since he left.
I was falling back into the world my mother thought fitting for me. A life of cocktail dresses and dinner parties. Spending nights making polite conversation with people I didn’t know and with whom I had nothing in common. The only link I had to the real world was Mark, and his new job was keeping him very busy. Before I went to spend Christmas with Roger and Mark I was for the most part happy with my life. I had an inexhaustible supply of almost everything I wanted. I could go shopping at the drop of a dime. For my fifthteenth birthday my dad had given me a diamond ring, and mom gave me matching earrings. We had a stable on the estate and I had my own horse to ride when ever I pleased. I had a Jacuzzi tub in my own bathroom. What teenage girl wouldn’t love a life like that? I didn’t realize that I didn’t really love it. Really, I just thought that life must be good because I had so much more than the other kids at school. Living with Mark and Roger opened my eyes. I learned that how you live is more important than what you live with.
One night, about three weeks after I had come back home, I found myself wearing a gorgeous dress sitting at a table next to people whose language I did not speak pretending to enjoy the caviar that was in front of me. Something hit me right then. It was something that I should have figured out a long time ago, but it finally caught up with me. I was listening to the foreign conversation next to me with out even wondering what they were talking about. I was watching my mother talk animatedly with a young man next to her but not taking in any bit of it. I was bored, and I wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. I don’t know why I thought of Roger then, but I did.
“How could Roger stand this?” I said aloud, and louder than I would have wished to say it.
“What was that dear?” mother asked from across the immaculately decorated table. “Did you speak with Roger today?”
“No, I didn’t speak with him.” I said quietly.
Before mom could inquire further our butler tapped me on the shoulder. “There is a phone call for you Miss.” He said.
“Please tell them I will call back later tonight.” I told him.
“They said you would say that and to not allow you to. They said that no matter what you are doing you have to take the call. Its long distance Miss. I think New York City.” The butler explained.
I glanced at mom and the other people who were all watching curiously. I put my napkin on the table and got up. I was almost out of the room when mom spoke up.
“Darling, where are going? Surely no phone call can be this important.” She said pleasantly.
“It’s Mark, mom.” I told her. “And I think perhaps I will go out and visit again. Actually, I think I might just pack up and stay there for a while. I got used to it there.” I said as I walked out of the room. I put Mark on speaker phone in my room while I wrestled my way out of the dress. “So what’s so important?” I asked.
“Well, Roger’s back.” He said.
“What!” I shouted across the room as I fell over trying to free myself from pantyhose. “Put him on!”
“I cant right now. It kind of goes along with the second thing I needed to say. Mimi ran off a few weeks ago, and we’ve been looking for her. Maureen and Joanne found her in a park. She’s really bad. We thought she died, but then she woke up. I can’t explain it. I know she was dead, and then she wasn’t. Anyway, it would help us all out a lot if you would come out here until everyone is back on their feet.” Mark said.
“Mimi almost died?” I asked horrified. Mark said yes. “Of course, I’ll come right out. I’ll leave tonight.” I said and hung up the phone. While I was hauling a few suitcases out of the closet a maid walked passed the room. “Missy!” I shouted after her. She came running back to the room as if she knew something bad must have happened. “Can you please help me pack? I’m in a hurry.” I said.
While Missy opened a dresser drawer she looked at me funny as I began pulling things off hangers in the closet. “Miss, why are you only wearing your slip?” she asked.
“Oh, I forgot.” I said as I pulled off the slip, on a pair of jeans and squeezed into a cami tank that had long since proven too small. As we closed the second suitcase our butler showed up at the door. I looked at him as I laced up my sneakers.
“Your mother wishes to know what is keeping you so long.” He said.
“I’ll tell her myself if you would take these suitcases downstairs and call the car for me.” I said. He nodded and I ran out the door to the dinning room. I was taking all the bobby bins out of my hair as I walked into the room. I got very quizzical looks at this. I walked around the table and knelt down next to dad’s chair. “Need to go to New York for a while. Roger’s back, but Mimi’s real sick. They need me to help out.” I explained as I tied my hair back. Dad nodded and kissed me on the forehead. I moved down the table to mom who looked livid but was hiding it very well. “Going to New York. Dad can explain. I’ll have Roger call you when I get there.” I said and left the room.
The drive back to NYC was almost four hours long. When I finally got to the loft it was nearly three in the morning. Everybody was still there, but they were also all asleep. Mark was the only one up and he welcomed me with one of the warmest hugs I have ever received. “We missed you kid.” He said.
The next morning I spent taking care of Mimi. Mark went to work, along with Collins and Joanne. Roger went out to look for a performing job at some of the local clubs. Mimi was nothing short of a disaster. She barely had the strength to take her AZTs. That afternoon I went to the cemetery and sat by Angel’s grave. It wasn’t till I was sitting there that I realized that everything had come full circle and I was wearing the shirt she gave me.
It’s been ten years since all of that happened. I am now 27 and it amazes me how everything that happened that year had time too happen. It didn’t seem like it was feasible to fit so much into a year. Mimi and Roger were together for five years. Mimi died the same day as Angel. We all believe that that was Angel’s way of showing us that she’s watching. Roger died a year later. After running out of the dinner party I didn’t see my mother again until I had to take Roger to the hospital. Collins is something of a medical wonder and has yet to give into the virus. Maureen and Joanne adopted a little girl; she’s eight now. Much to my mother’s displeasure I still live with Mark. Sometimes it seems lonely here without Roger and Mimi, but it’s better to be lonely than try to pretend they were never here. I’ve been thinking of writing this all down for a few years, and I think that it is quite fitting that I should finally write it ten years to the day that I met Angel Dumont Schunard. That night in the hospital when he asked me to snuggle he knew was his last. I know he knew. That one sentence Angel said to me is what got me through Roger and Mimi’s last days, and the funerals that followed. I can’t rest easy yet though. It scares at night when the phone rings. I always think that it will be the hospital telling us Collins has died. It doesn’t scare me that I know he will die. It scares me that I have to face the rest of my life without them at my side. As a little girl I never imagined that I would loose everybody like this. I imagined Roger smiling at me when I get married, or holding his newborn nephew. I’ll get by though. They didn’t leave. Every last second of everyday they are always there because I haven’t forgotten them, and I never will.