Motherless Daughters

Holidays and Mother’s Day are a bittersweet time for me. A time to celebrate my greatest blessings, Bryanna Elizabeth and Abigail Evie….my greatest teachers and the joys of my life. It is also a time to mourn the loss of my other two children who I have yet to meet. I believe in my heart of hearts that their spirits are with me daily, and that they are watching over me and my family…they are my own personal guardian angels, if you will.

I mourn the loss of my mother…or should I say, my mama. My mama was at one time my best friend. She was a stay at home mom, involved in PTA, and baked cookies, cooked supper…you name it. As a matter of fact, my friends loved her, and loved having sleepovers at my house because my mom was so “cool". I could talk to her about anything…from my first kiss and questions about sex. When my feelings were hurt, if I had a problem at school, she was there. My 2 sisters were not as fortunate. I believe I got the best she had to offer. In the eyes of this child, she was indeed Super Mom. Little did I know as a child, that my mama was very, very sick.

My mama is Bipolar Manic-Depressive. A taboo subject in most circles, however, I have learned that the truth is the truth. My mother is mentally ill. She also suffers from a personality disorder. Medications can help her cope with being Bipolar, but there is no known “cure" for a personality disorder.

Yes, if you are wondering, my mother is still alive. We speak and see each other every once in awhile, but not very often. I miss her.

I miss the woman I know she is deep down inside….before the illness took over, before her addiction to prescription drugs, before everything went straight to hell.

I will always love her, and have no idea how I will cope the day I find out that she is no longer with us. I have dealt with the possibility of her death over and over again in my life with her many suicide attempts. I will never be ready.

So….back to the subject at hand…Motherless Daughters. I am a Motherless Daughter….my sisters are too. This may explain the unbreakable and close bond between the three of us. A bond I will forever be grateful for, that most do not understand.

I understand…completely. We are facing this world without our mom. We lack the support and love that is suppose to come from our mom. We compensate. We give love, support and friendship to each other. I miss my mama, but I have to tell you, the bond, the love and the friendship between me and my sisters is priceless.