Between Love & Hate (Part 5/5)

10.

         

         The bell rung and two thousand of my school mates in their coats and hats and scarves flooded out the school doors. I slowly walked down the snowy steps as people hurried past me, ready for their winter break. I couldn’t say that I was. I saw everyone’s happy faces, smiling with their friends planning out their 2 weeks. I saw Charlie talking to his friends. I wanted to know the real story from him. I didn’t exactly give him room to explain himself. I approached him cautiously. He gave me a puzzled look and opened his mouth to say something, but before he could I jumped in.
          “Look. I just want to know what the hell was going through your mind.” I said curtly. Charlie got an ashamed look on his face.
          “You wouldn’t believe me.”
          “Try me.” I said, not sounding like myself. I just needed answers. Charlie hesitated.
          “I didn’t mean for anything like that to happen at all.” He started, with a vulnerable look in his eye.
          “What did you mean to happen?” I said, trying not to let my guard down. In the distance I saw a senior pelt one of his friends with a snowball. Charlie looked into my eyes.
          “I didn’t mean to give you that water.” He said apologetically. If this was an act he sure was good. I gave him a look with my eyes that told him to continue. “Z had that in there from earlier that night. Whenever he does X he just grinds it up in his water. Something about not being able to swallow pills, and I guess he hadn’t finished it and left it in there. And I just saw you like that and wanted to help and just that was all that was there and,”
          “But you didn’t have to do what you did.” I interrupted. His eyes dropped to the floor.
          “I know. I feel really bad, but I mean I liked you a lot and never thought I would have a chance with you so once that I saw what I had accidentally given you, I guess I kind of took advantage of the situation.” He said innocently, running his sentences together.
          “Of me.” I added. I could see how much this was hurting him, which surprised me. Maybe it was an innocently horny act. Or maybe that was just an oxymoron. Who grinds up their X and puts it in water, anyway? Charlie took a deep breath. It was so cold outside that his breathing looked like smoking. I crossed my arms tight to keep warmer.
          “Do you want to go inside somewhere to talk about this?” he offered. I hesitated.
          “Sure.” And we walked to his car. I shuddered a little at it. After talking for a moment we decided to meet at a coffee place, me taking me own car. We met and got a table and Charlie began spilling out everything to me as I sipped my hot chocolate and listened intently. I don’t know if the whole Z story was just a scapegoat for his act, but the look in his eyes told me he was truly remorseful. I studied Charlie’s face, his eyes glistening with tears he had wanted to shed but wasn’t brave enough to. I watched him as he looked down and stirred his coffee. We sat there in silence.
          “It’s okay.” I said softly. Charlie looked up at me.
          “What?” He looked puzzled.
          “It’s okay. I forgive you.” I repeated. I hated the words coming out of my mouth but knew I had to say them. A smile crept onto his face and his eyes sparkled.
          “So we’re okay now? You’re not mad at me?” he asked, seeming like a little boy in my presence.
          “I’m still going to hate you for it and I’ll probably never want to talk to you again, but I forgive you.” I said strongly and honestly. Charlie looked back down deep into his coffee, trying to hide his regret under the sugar and cream mixed within. He understood.
          “Well I guess I’ll be seeing you around then.” He lingered in his coffee a second before he looked back up at me solemnly.
          “I guess I will, then.” I said back and stood up to leave. Charlie stood up after me.
          “I guess this is bye now.” His voice was quiet and ashamed. He opened his arms signaling for one last embrace. I slung my purse onto my shoulder and headed toward the door instead.
          “Bye.” I opened the door and left him behind.

11.

          It had been three months without Sam and I couldn’t have been any lonelier. I stopped talking to Annie on account of her being so irritating all the time. I had my casual acquaintances at school but other than that, I was independent of any friends. I spent most of my time down in the basement with my dad, reading, and thinking of Sam, although it hurt to do the last one.
         I heard the doorbell ring as I had my head buried in the food cabinet, looking for anything that would temporarily fill my emptiness. I let my dad answer it, seeing as I was busy trying to eat away my pain. I heard my dad let the visitor in and assumed it to be one of the neighbors. My thoughts shifted to trying to decide on goldfish or pretzels. I reached for the pretzels and felt familiar arms wrap around my waist and hold me tight.
          “Hey, El.” I heard in my ear. My heart skipped a beat and my blood started to flow again. I turned around and looked at Sam. His eyes lost their dullness and gleamed with their billion shades of green, now happy and perfect. I could tell he was back. We hugged tight for a long time and tears filled my eyes. I was so happy that I cried. After we broke away, I saw that he too had tears in his eyes and he smiled bashfully, with that old smile I’d love to see and missed for so long. There was so much to be said that neither one of us knew where to start. There was no other place we’d both want to go at that moment so we got into Sam’s old rickety car and headed toward our ice cream shop.
          As soon as we got in the car, he pushed play on his CD player and a familiar heart beat filled the car. I hadn’t heard this song in so long yet every familiar feeling came back to me the second it started playing.
          “Jesus, Sam, I’ve missed you so much!” I blurted out blissfully.
          Sam smiled. “There is so much I need to tell you.”

          I got chocolate chip and Sam his chocolate and we sat down at our old booth that I hadn’t seen in ages. We talked for forever about what had been happening recently. He told me all about the place he was at and what all went on. He told me about his first few painful weeks that almost made me cry as he told about them in detail. I told him about my lack of friends and my improved art skills. His ice cream dripped onto the table and all I could do was smile. Here we were, best friends again and I couldn’t be happier.
          “I want to take you somewhere.” Sam said suddenly.
          “Where?” I asked puzzled.
          “You’ll see.” Sam said as he started to get up and as always, I followed him out to the car. We drove to a very familiar field and once we parked, Sam went in the back and took out a big blanket. He spread it out and I made myself comfortable on it. Sam lay close to me as we faced the stars that were beginning to shine through the sky. After a few moments Sam turned on his side to face me, propping his head up with his arm. He took my hand that was resting on my stomach.
          “El?” he said. I turned my head toward him. “I’m sorry for everything. It’s all my fault, what I put you through.” He held my hand tight and avoided my eye contact shamefully.
          “Sam, you have to realize how close we are.” Sam’s eyes got lighter. I propped myself up on an elbow and faced him. He still held my hand softly in his. “We’re best friends.”
          “I feel awful though.” Sam said looking down at our hands, rubbing the top of mine with his thumb. “You shouldn’t just take me back like this. I don’t deserve it.” He said remorsefully. I smiled. His eyes met mine.
          “It’s not like you’re my boyfriend or my crush or something. It’s easier to forgive a close friend like you.” Sam’s eyes shot back down to the ground. I looked down with him.
          “Yeah.” he murmured and stilled his thumb.
          “Imagine,” I laughed quietly to myself. “You as my boyfriend. It just wouldn’t feel right, you know?.” I held my smile and looked up at Sam who was still looking down. He glumly let go of my hand and went back to lying face up, his hands folded beneath his head. He looked sad.
          “What?” I asked, confused.
          “Nothing. Let’s just go home.” He waited a moment and started getting up. I reluctantly got off of the blanket so he could put it back and, puzzled, got in the car. Sam threw the crumpled blanket into the backseat, slumped into the drivers seat and drove us home silently. He kept his eyes straight ahead and one hand lying dead at the bottom of the wheel. The whole way home I thought of why Sam had become so sad all of a sudden. Was it something I said?
          We pulled into my driveway. I looked over at Sam but he just stared at the steering wheel in front of him.
          “See you tomorrow?” I asked, trying to break this stiff air and maybe cheer him up.
          “Yeah.” He said without looking up. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He half smiled but his eyes remained sad and fixed upon the steering wheel.
          “Bye.” I said and got out of the car.
          I sat contemplating in my room what had happened. I analyzed everything we had ever been through and remembered what I had said tonight.
          I had finally figured it out. I got in my car after him.



          Ever since the day we met I’ve been in love with you and ever since the day we met I’ve never been good enough. I’ve wanted so badly to tell you how I felt but never could. So what do I do instead? Kiss you a few times and hope it meant something to you. Why didn’t you tell me if it did or not? I wanted to be your world. You’ve made me hurt for so long without even knowing it. I can’t go on being just your best friend because I love you past that. You’re the reason why I can never be happy. You are the reason I picked up that first joint. Soon that wasn’t enough and I needed more and more and more. You are the reason I turned to that artificial happiness. You are the reason I pulled away from you. I needed to stop wanting you. I had to get away from you so I could stop thinking about you like that.
          Now I’m right back where I started before this whole mess: a hopeless idiot. Why do you have to be so flawless? Why couldn’t I have just seen that all you wanted was friendship? You’re like a drug and I can’t get away.
          A drug. A familiar idea crept into my mind like a demon. No, I needed to be strong.
          I can’t be strong anymore.
          I emptied out the old paper sack onto my desk. I stared down at the tools I had used to chase you away. This needle was all I could do to escape my addiction to you. It was the only way. I took a deep breath and began preparing my only way of escaping you. I’d push the needle in and push you out. If I can’t have one addiction I need the other. I am worthless and don’t deserve you. I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish. It was ready.


          I heard someone call out Wait! from my hallway. Startled, I dropped the syringe onto the desk as El came into my room in a rush.
          “Sam, I didn’t mean it. All this time I thought I just loved you as my friend but now I know it’s more.” She said frantically, her eyes big.
          We fell silent. I got up from my desk, went over to her and took her hands.
          “I’ve always loved you like that El, ever since I met you.” I gathered her in my arms and we embraced for forever. I felt infinite. Then her eyes wandered to my desk where everything was and she pushed away. Her eyes filled with tears.
          “How could you, Sam?” she said tragically. She ran out my door, crying. She wouldn’t let me explain. I was frozen in place, I couldn’t chase after her. I heard her car start in my drive way and her tires squealed as she turned the corner back to her house.
          I hurriedly hid my supplies and raced out the door after her. I took shortcuts through backyards and alleys to get there faster. To my surprise, her car wasn’t in the driveway. I decided to wait for her, sitting against the big tree in her front yard. I must have fallen asleep, because I awoke to the sound of sirens. I looked and El’s car still wasn’t there. I panicked and started running toward the sound. As I got to the familiar four way stop I saw medics pulling a body from the wreckage. My heart stopped as I realized it was El’s car. I rushed over to the car, trying to see her, but the medics batted me off, telling me I couldn’t be that close. I kept trying to get to her, asking if she was okay, trying to see if she was even alive. I saw her lying there on the stretcher in a neck brace. Her face was all scraped up. I cried to the medics to let me on the ambulance but they kept telling me to Please back away, sir. Finally, I yelled I was her brother and they had to let me on. As we drove away I looked out the back windows to see the person who had hit her telling the police what happened and the two mangled cars sitting there dead in the street.
          I thought back to when El was with me in that ambulance, and the last words I heard from her replayed in my head as I sat there watching them messing with devices that I assumed to help her stay alive. I took her hand. Her eyes fluttered open and met mine. I stroked the top of her hand with my thumb as her heart monitor began to slow. Tears formed in my eyes as I realized this was the last time I was ever going to see her again.
          “El, stay with me.” I pleaded, squeezing her hand as if I could squeeze some of my life into her. Her hand became weaker. Knowing this was the end I looked into her eyes and told her that I loved her. The monitor flat-lined, leaving the only sound in the ambulance the stagnant droning beep signifying El’s death.

Epilogue.

         I was asked to speak at El’s funeral. I couldn’t do it, I ran out before I could even say anything. Everything never really hit me until I walked up to give my eulogy to her. That long walk from my seat to the stand I got to thinking about how we had it. We had finally gotten past our friendship and onto something more, something we both felt. But it got ripped away from us. I found out later that El had run the stop sign at that four way, the one she had gone through a million times. The person on her left had the right of way, assumed she would stop, I guess, and hit her hard. She had died of internal bleeding.
          As I stood up there to give my tribute to the girl I loved, I thought back to how happy I was when she came back into my room. I thought, Finally. Finally we can be together. And I felt happier than anyone else had ever felt in the whole entire world ever. Now she was gone. I walked out of the church before I could start crying as hard as I wanted to. I just got into my car and drove straight home. I wore myself out crying as hard as I did. My chest felt heavy and I was overwhelmed by her death. It seemed unreal. Like if I called her, she would pick up and everything would be perfect again. I called her just in case. I died when the machine told me the line had been disconnected. I lied back on my bed.

          I promised myself I wouldn’t, but I needed to. I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to, and this is what made you die, but there is no other way I could live without you. I opened the drawer to finish what I had tried to start the night you died. I pulled the strap tight and filled the syringe. I don’t know how else to be happy with you gone. I pushed the needle in to expunge my thoughts of you and began to feel the happiness that will never satisfy. I’m sorry.
          I’ll see you soon.