Fallen Out of

I’ve discovered something new today, and it seemed to catch me, by surprise. I guess I always longed to be loved by that one person. He would greet me in my very own dreams, when my head touch the pillow, and my thoughts were of him as I awoke in the earliest of morn. The truth is that it was only…a false hope, a misunderstanding. My heart always did get the better of me as it pleaded against my intelligence. O without the heart all mankind, would be so desperately…lost.
I sometimes wonder if the right guy ever walked in my life, would I know. Maybe he’s already in front of me? He could be my best friend or even my worst enemy. Will sparks fly between us, when we encounter for the first time? Will I know instantly that he’s the one? If only I knew? I imagine that everyone has to have some bad relationships before you can meet the person you’ve been searching for. I suppose only time will tell.
I also wish for that one moment I understand everything that has happened to me over my lifetime. Craving the instant that the pieces of my life fit into place, realizing your flaws and the mistakes you’ve made and being satisfied. Taking a risk no matter how much it might hurt you. As long, as long as you help the people you trust. And the people you love. Even the people that love you in return and have influenced your life, and when you decide to take the final plunge into the pool, even though you’re scared of the high dive. When you finally leap and you heart races a hundred miles an hour. You also feel comfort while you’re hanging there in the air with no thought but of the water that lies beneath you.
I suppose I want to accept my faults so I may become a stronger individual linking my friends together with my foes. Not having this anger that boils deep within me. Peace, may come, that sense of peace that whisperers to you it’s okay to breath once again. Where doubt cannot be found, but as usual reality has a way of coming back into the light were it over shadows me. My fears of oppression linger once more. The pain starts to return, the pain you’ve endured, still holding on to it, not being able to left go of it. The moment ticks away as does the time. Your happiness begins to fade like the end of a day along with every other relief you’ve had. Then the search for the moment repeats…
The darkness consumes me yet again as I sit alone upon my bed staring aimlessly at the wall, hoping all my pain would melt away. Damien’s stare caught me by surprise, I saw it not, but I felt it so. I turned my head slowly and witnessed him peering at me. A chill crawled up my spine, he’s gaze was almost inhuman. I couldn’t stand the pain that was hiding inside of him any longer. My own hearted ached for him and wished for his happiness, my only choice was to look away from him, but I didn’t as if he had a spell cast upon me. I could smell the aroma of whiskey on his breath. I was completely paralyzed as I heard his shoes thunder as he touched the hardwood floor. I was overflowing with fear as his eyes glimpsed into my ever ending soul. My heart pounded hard within me as he stood before me.
What was I to do or say? For once in my life my heart had no words to speak of. It was a bizarre feeling that I knew not of. He’s eyes that looked into mine filled my heart with dread. For his eyes were full of grief from the world that I myself an innocent of. My heart ached for him. I tried to pull myself up to leave him be but body was numb and I had no control of my body of even my thought process.
Movement in is hand towards my cheek, his hand was rough and I was almost sure I could feel blood pouring out of his hand. The very thought sickened me. He so greatly wished to kiss me, as his lips came so close to mine I pulled away. Even the thought of a kiss from a man that has a soul full of such rage was horrifying. I seemed to think that once he kissed me that he became part of me and would know me like no other. His eyes turned to fire in an instance. His hand was a strong impact against my face and I could feel pain serge through out my body. I imagined myself being protected by my father’s hands. I could see my dad aggressively hitting him. That was only a hope that could not come true. The reality of the moment is that my fathers’ dead and I’m in a situation far greater then I could imagine. My father died on the morning of today. Then in the instance I touched my face I touched blood and the blood was my own. I suppose the reason I am here is the fact that I have no one left. I am alone. No father to turn to and mother, I dread the thought of her; to think she loves me is an idiotic thought. She should see this, she would enjoy this moment with every fiber of her being. I can still her the echo of her heartless words as if she was standing behind me.
“Destiny, my dear child you have no destiny you are worth nothing. You’re going to live on the street where you belong. No one loves you, and why would? Maybe if you started living in the real world you might get a job. I hope you get killed by a bus.” I bet she wondered why I hated her so. She often spoke of a man coming to get me and kill me, when I was young I often awoke from nightmares that haunted me during the night. I was just a child a scared little girl. Did she know that sometimes I would lay in my bed for hours because of a noise, to frightened to move? I thought of places I could hide incase someone did come into the house. Sometimes I would dream that my mother was the person, afraid to look at her when I arise the next morning.
Reality struck me again and to Damien I was his toy a mere plaything. It’s probably another nightmare I must have drifted off, none of this is real it can’t be. Soon I’ll wake up and everything will be fine and my father would be alive. But everything wasn’t fine and this was no dream for the pain’s too real. As quickly as the whole scenario had begun it ended and his shadow disappeared into the hallway and his footsteps became a memory. Once again I was alone. I was truly disturbed of what went on, but yet I was gone like I was watching this from afar. Damien’s truck engine roared and the stereo was blaring and he was gone. I seemed to fall back into myself. I still grasped my terror, but my relief sprung out, and my legs gave way as a sign of it. My heart wished that he vanished; my mind knew his spirit would come again. The blood slithered down my face and still not sure of how it came to be. A shuttering thought crossed my mind if I stayed would this happened again. My heart leads me to do something I hadn’t done in a while, my hands were clasped together and I prayed. I prayed for the lost, for Damien and for my friends that God may protect them. I spoke of my heart being wounded in the battle we proclaim as life. I am nothing I said. In my mind I didn’t know what I was praying to, but I had a sense of hope. A hope I had long forgotten.