The Gift

The Gift


Its five in the morning and I still can’t get any sleep. I have been tossing and turning all night. I can't believe my fairy tale romance is coming to an end. Could this really be happening? I love this man, like I have never loved before. I want to scream, I want to cry, I’m not sure what I want to do. But I do know that I must remain calm, for I can never let him know how deeply hurt I am.

Its sad to say, that the man I am talking about is not my husband. I do love my husband, or should I say I did at one time. He has slowly killed that love with his abuse, both verbally and physically and by his infidelities not to mention the way he treated the boys. But yet for 20 years I stood by his side, just like any good wife does. My life has been passing me by, while I remained this good wife to a man that didn't deserve me. Yet I have no remorse towards him, after all is said and done I don't hate him. I thought after all he had done to me, I would never love again. I literally put up this brick wall and just put my heart to sleep, so that I couldn't feel anything anymore. Until, Mark walked into my life. He woke my heart up and tore down that wall.

I met Mark last year at the coffee shop I worked at. He was a regular there, I never really paid much attention to him I just knew he had a girlfriend who wasn’t very friendly. I didn’t really care for either of them. Then I noticed by the holiday season Mark started coming to the coffee shop alone. Through casual conversation I found out his girlfriend had moved to another city and she was pregnant. Mark was suppose to join her in a few months.

As the holidays past and yet another year upon us, I began to see more and more of Mark. He would come to the coffee shop and sometimes stay for hours. He would make small conversation with me. I actually began to look forward to his daily visit to the shop. By mid February he informed me of his feeling for me, telling me he always liked me since he first seen me. I was a bit taken by this, because Mark knew I was married and he had even spoken to my husband a time or two. Not to mention he had a pregnant girlfriend.

After several weeks of trying to convince me to go out with him, he was beginning to get aggravated. I explained to him, both of our situations and how it was not right to do something like that. He stated that he wasn’t sure of his feeling for his girlfriend because they had been arguing lately and that she broke it off with him. I expressed my concern for his break up, but explained that I was still married, even though my husband had been in a nursing home all year due to a handicap.

He tried to make me jealous by telling me he would find another girlfriend. I told him, that would be fine because of my situation, I understood. After a week he was coming into the coffee shop with a new lady friend, Mary. He introduced us, and I have to say I actually liked this woman. She was very different from Valerie (his pregnant girlfriend). She was very nice and didn’t get jealous that me and Mark were such good friends.

By March, Mark and Mary were both regulars at the shop. But even though Mark was with Mary, he was still persistent. He was determined to go out with me. I stood my ground and refused. Trying to explain to him that he had Mary now, and that she was a good person. He didn’t care, he just knew he wanted to be around me all the time. He would even convince Mary to invite me and my friend Thelma to her house so that we could party with them. When his real reason was that he wanted me close by. Funny thing is I knew his reasons, and I still would go to her house. For some insane reason, I wanted to be around him as well.

One day while Mary was at work Mark came into the shop and we talked a for several hours. He stayed till the shop closed, and before I locked up he grabbed me and gave me a kiss. I was in shock, I was scared, I could feel myself tremble inside, but I never once pulled away from him. His arms felt secure and kiss was warm and sensuous. I wanted that moment to last forever. He looked into my eyes and told me that he really wanted to be with me. I was still floating on a cloud, the thoughts in my head were going wild. I had to come to my sense’s or else I was going to get caught in the moment. He held me for what seemed an eternity, then he gave me one more kiss, and walked me to my car. I’ll never forget his words to me that night. He said, “One day sooner or later, you will be mine.” I just smiled at him as I got in my car.

Its amazing I made it home that night, because the drive home I don’t even remember for my mind was filled with so many thoughts. Thoughts that I knew I should not be having. After 20 years of marriage, I had never felt the warmth from a man as I did that night. I felt it was a dream. I was still floating, I had feelings that I didn’t think existed That night I barely slept, kept thinking that if he could make me feel like that with just a kiss I could only imagine how I would feel if we made love.

The next day at work, he stopped by and gave me a smile that made me melt. But of course, I never let on about any of my feelings. I mean, I knew nothing could ever amount of this, I was married. He asked me for my phone number, and told me he would call me later. I knew giving him my number was not a proper thing to do, but at this point I think my evil twin had taken over my soul. He stated he had to leave because he was meeting Mary in a few minutes. We smiled at each other and we both knew at that very moment, that it would not end here.

He called me everyday from that moment on. One particular day that he called, he had been drinking and asked me if I would meet him for a drink at a local bar. My first reaction was to say, yes. Even though I knew in my mind, it was wrong. But I convinced myself, that we would be in public and nothing would happen. I arrived at this bar and he was there waiting, of course I had to walk in like we just happen to see each other there and nothing was planned. He invited me to sit down, and we began to talk. He informed me that him and Mary had gotten into an argument, about him going to see his ex-girlfriend because she had the baby already. I expressed my joy to him about being a father, and at the same time consoled him about the argument. We talked for about two hours. When he invited me to spend the night with him. I smiled, but refused. Although, the words no came out of my mouth, inside my head the words YES were screaming out. He continued to pursue the issue until I found myself agreeing to go meet him somewhere.

I explain to him we could not leave together, or else people would talk. We agreed that I would leave first, then he would wait a few minutes and he would leave. Once we were both out of there, he called me and told me where to go meet him. It was a motel room down the street. The drive there was the hardest drive I ever had. The whole time I am trying to justify why its ok for me to go meet this man in a motel. I begin to feel sick to my stomach. I don't understand why, maybe because I know this is morally wrong. Before I knew it, I was there. No matter how wrong I thought it was I never once drove away. I made my way to the room, he is waiting at the door.

As he closes the door and locks it, I can feel myself start to tremble, not sure if its from fear or excitement. He turns to me and lifts my chin up to meet his lips. His arms make their way around my back. I am beginning to fell relaxed and safe. He whispers to me how he has waited so long for this moment. Then he asked me if I wanted him too. I gazed into his eyes and said, "You have no idea how much I want you."

Needless to say, that was a magical night. I had forgotten what it was I like to actually make love, I was so use to just having sex. The typical wham-bam type of sex. That always seemed to be enough for me, or was it that I just wasn’t interest in the technique to even care. But with Mark, all I can remember thinking was, “You’ve got to be kidding me, this is what I have been missing!” We laid there holding each other and talking for hours. He was such a warm and caring person. He was always interested in my thoughts and my feelings, something I wasn't use to. I felt like I was in heaven. I was starting to convince myself that God put him in my path for a reason. I just needed to find out what that reason was.

Within the next week, he informed me that he had broke up with Mary and that Valerie wanted to give their relationship another try. We talked about it for hours on the phone, he stated that he felt a sense of obligation to Valerie because of the baby. I asked him if he loved her, he said yes he did. So I told him it would be best if he did try and make it with her for the baby's sake. I told him I wanted him to do it, to find out if they could make it, because the day I become available I wanted him to myself. I wasn’t going to share him, So he really needed to find out if they had a future. Valerie lives in another city, it was a two hour drive for him when he would go see the baby. He said that a relationship with her was difficult because she was always trying to change him and puts a lot of rules on him of what he can do and cannot do. I told him, that he needed to give it at least one more try to find out if they will make it or not. He agreed and said she would continue to live in the other city and he was suppose to move over there eventually. I was ok with that, I mean I was married what could I do but say it was ok.

The next couple of months we were inseparable. We would talk everyday on the phone and we would see other every chance we got. It became a little harder to see him because I quit my job at the coffee shop. But we still managed to get away together. Just making sure no one would see us. Being that I was married and all my husbands family lives here. At times I didn't care if we were seen, I just knew I wanted to be with him and nothing else mattered. We spent so many wonderful nights together. He is like no one I had ever been with, he actually cared about how I felt, and if I enjoyed certain things he was doing. He was amazing.

But like all relationships we started to have a few problems. He started to become very possessive, and wanted me to ask for permission anytime I was going somewhere. I explained to him that I did not like that in a man, because I am married to a man just like that. When he would see that I was getting upset he would rephrase what he said, then state that he was just kidding. There was a few things I didn’t like about him either, when he would drink he would turn into this ugly person. Say some mean things, and sometimes he would flirt too much. But the flirting didn’t really bother me too much, that is part of what makes him who he is. What bothered me more was his drinking and how he acted when he drank. I would let him know how I felt. He would try to be different sometimes. But then I started to think to myself as I often do. I love this man, and if I love him that means I am going to love him as he is. All his good qualities along with his faults. I mean he is a person just like me, we’re not perfect. Besides, when you love someone, truly love them - that love is unconditional. That is how I felt towards him. I loved him despite of his faults.

We had so many serious talks, we would talk about everything. He opened up to me about a lot of things he went through in his life. Just as I did with him. We would cry and laugh and comfort each other. He stated he could never talk like that with any other woman, but that he felt very comfortable with me and wanted to share those things with me. I felt the same way. On the days we couldn’t see other, we would talk for hours on the phone. He became like my drug, he was addicting. When he would go see his son and be gone a couple of days, I felt like I was dying inside without hearing his voice. The moment he would leave to come home, he would call me and we would talk the whole two hours it took him to get home. Its funny how we never would run out of things to talk about.

Why could I not tell him how I felt? Why when he would ask if I love him, I wouldn’t answer him. Even though I knew I did. I found it very hard to express my feeling to him, not because I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but because the fear of getting hurt. I felt I was setting myself up to get hurt. Because we both knew our situations before coming into this relationship. We came into it with our eyes wide open. But yet he expressed his love for me all the time. He always told me he loved me and that one day we would be together as a couple. He was sure of it. But I was the negative one, saying it couldn’t happen we both had someone and I could not leave my husband in his condition. He always understood my responsibilities to my husband and never questioned them.

One night in mid June, he told me that Valerie wanted to come back to live with him, as I am listening to him say this, I am feeling my heart breaking. I step back to sit on my bed, and nearly fall off. I was speechless for a while, I mean I knew this day would come sooner or later. Why is it hitting me so hard then? I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was gasping for air. I felt like I wanted to die. But wait, it was me that encouraged him to go back to her. Then why am I feeling like this? I really do want him to find out if they can make it, but I never expected to feel the way that I do for him. I just wanted to scream and cry. Which later that night, I did cry. But not while talking to him. He cried and told me he wanted me to wait for him, I didn’t understand that request. Wait? For what? Is he going into this relationship with her knowing its going to fail? If so, why do it then? Then he stated he still wanted to see me behind her back. I told him no. He stated we had been seeing each other all this time behind her back, what was different now? I told him, because now she would be living with him, and if he REALLY, wanted to make it with her I didn’t want to be the reason it didn’t work for them. I want him to have a clear head and go into that relationship with only her on his mind. I told him I would be his friend for life. At that very moment I knew, I was not only losing the love of my life, but I was losing my best friend as well. But yet, I couldn’t tell him none of that.

Why is love so difficult? Love isn’t a decision! It’s a feeling! If we could decide who we fall in love with it would be much simpler, but yet less magical!! The reason I don’t think I could express my feeling to him, is because of the relationship I have had with my husband. It was very abusive and I was repeatedly hurt. I know in my heart, I don’t want to hurt anymore. That is what my biggest fear is. I could not go through another bad relationship. I want romance, I want to be in love again, I want to get butterflies when I see my man, I want the fairy tale. Is that asking too much? Is it possible to have that, or am I grasping at straws?

Funny thing is, this is how I feel with Mark. I get butterflies, I feel like a teenager in love. When we are together, I feel warm and very content. I feel he is my angel that God sent to me. I think I would miss him, even if I never met him. He is a warm and loving person. I got to see a side of him, that he doesn't allow anyone to see. I am grateful he allowed me into his heart, to see his warm side. Truth is, even though we argue and he is possessive and I don’t like his drinking–I would still rather fight with him than to make love to anyone else. What keeps going through my head is an old saying I remember from school, IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE - SET THEM FREE - IF THEY COME BACK THEY’RE YOURS - IF THEY DON’T - THEN IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE!!

He once told me, I was a gift to him. But in reality he has been a very special GIFT to me. I only wish I could tell him that.