"Between Fantasy and Reality"

"Between
Fantasy
and Reality”


In a review of my life thus far, I find that I spend time inside my mind, in a fantasy world of my own creation. I fill this fantasy world with places I have never seen, doing things I would never do and finding my perfect lover/soul mate. Sometimes the line between fantasy and realty blurs. For this reason, I need the follow to continue my pathetic existence and anchor myself to this realty (the real world).
To achieve this, I will require six things to keep me in this reality.

1. Anchor: To keep me in this reality

2. Purpose: A solid reason. Something to drive me to stay.

3. Direction: A realistic goal. One, which I can attain.

4. Solid Ground: A base from where to begin.

5. Tools: Knowledge

6. Instructions: essential for finding purpose, direction a solid ground and the knowledge to use all tools available to me.

For one to continue existing, one must have the follow items:
Anchor - A spoken word or image that bring one back to reality. This must be spoken by a loved one. Someone, who truly cares for me.
Purpose - The reason for wanting to remain and face whatever life throws at one. To say “Stay With Us” is not enough. Need something more.
Direction - Gives one a path to follow, with a map to guide one to help live a life.
Solid Ground – One must established one’s own foundation with certain parameter.
Tools – knowledge and understand is the greatest tool we encompass. The key is learning how to use it.

With all this, one must also have the right frame of mind to understand the instructions and make sound decisions.

Instructions!
My guide to a better life.


If one is to live, one must exam our inner self. One must look deeply at our demons. Those demons we battle everyday. In my case, I am torn between four points outside a box. These four points are “Light,” “Darkness,” “Gray” and “Stupidity.” Each represents a different side I live with. Each also represents a demon.

• The “Light” would be a freedom of all that troubles and an acceptance of what must be. Clarity of ones situation and with careful thought and planning, find a sound resolution.

• Darkness is the state of mind that does not allow one to see the truth of reality. Truth becomes absurd by force. Keeping one oblivious to ones surroundings.

• Gray is that fine point between real and unreal. Where truth and fantasy overlaps creating confusion. One is barely aware of it.

• Stupidity is dreams of what one can never have; the perfect life, the perfect love and the perfect center.

Although one realizes that one must let go of “Stupidity, one refuses to let go of the dreams. It is difficult to want something you cannot have, but even more difficult to let go of wants. One must figure out what one is lacking in life that prompts one to want what one cannot have. However, even with this information, if one is not ready to accept truth one cannot be made complete

One must take three steps back, re-evaluate ones position in life, and ask one’s self; what do I want from life? What can I have in life? In addition, what will I actually get out of life? Then one must accept the answers and begin building a foundation on solid ground. With clean slate and no looking back.

….But!

How does one let go, without regrets?
How does one truly accept ones fate without wondering “What If..”?
How does one examine ones thoughts and feelings?
How does one recognize ones own weakness?
Should one reinvent ones self or just fix the broken pieces?
Moreover, should one ever just give up and give in to society idea of normal?

Shall one shut away all hopes and dreams, all desires and expectations of having what one wishes.

My life has always been one of hardships. I have always struggled with many adversities, from being born to a woman who wishes, I had never been born and never let me forget that she hated me; to suffering in non-stop pain. My biggest torment comes from the need to be loved. For me love is not just a life shared. It must be felt; like water on the skin, electricity through the body and even as an aspirin to a headache.

I have recently learned what love is. Love is the most dangerous emotion in the universe. In the name of love we do harm, we fight battles; we bring life into a hateful world. For love we steal, we lie and we would sell our soul to posses another.

And yet, some believe that love is unconditional or if not, it should be.

Love is communication without speaking.

Love is acceptance of faults and facilitating in the correction of errors made without feeling inadequate.

Love is never ever feeling inadequate. Never being second or last on a list of priority.

Love is never to be used as a weapon; to make one submit to demands placed on “One”.

Love is not just sex.

Love is not always understanding the situations “One” is experiencing, but standing by the “One” regardless. To give aid and comfort.


In some cases, love is the air that “One” breathes, the food “One” eats, the drink “One” takes in, and the medicine to ease “Ones” pain and loneliness.

Love is knowing one is wanted and feeling wanted. Never having to wonder if “One” is an inconvenience.

Love is feeling joy and happiness when “One” wakes up each morning. Never dreading the day and wishing for a better life.

Love is many things to many different people. It is difficult to narrow down what would make “One” feel love and wanted. And all these things added together equal a need “One” requires to continue in this existence.

Loveless moments, Hate, Abandonment, hopelessness, Isolation, forgotten dreams and desires are a daily part of my life. So why do I continue?

Round and round the wheel of life, picking petals off flowers in “He loves me, He loves me not” games of torment. After all is said and done, when we die, we are never really sure if anyone really loved us.

It would seem love is an essential part of life. Without it, we end up writing sad poems and crying “Ones” life away.

Victim, Survivor or Striver

I was a victim of a dysfunctional life. Born in hell, lived in hate and grew up in a world of lies and deceit. In life, I have gone through so many changes. Struggle through my childhood trying to stay three steps ahead of the demons that began to live inside.

I somehow managed to survive, the torment of life. I did exchange one misery for another, but I learned that the second misery is of my own making. With no knowledge, or tools I sank to an all time low. I spent time wishing for death. I wrote poems about death. I made several failed attempts to end my life. Somehow, something was always there to save me. I often wonder if perhaps I wronged someone in another life and this was my punishment, to live a life in “Hell”.

It was not until I reached 40 years of age, that my eyes were opened to the truth. That “I” am the master of my own destiny. I and I alone can make or break me. I have no one to blame but myself. With this new knowledge, I now STRIVE to rebuild my life.

At age 40, I did have a very spiritual revelation. In my dream state, my mind was filled with images. Images of the past and all my mistakes, images of the present and all the knowledge I posses, and finally, a glimpse into the future and what could be. I finally have the understanding to improve my life and myself.

With this revelation, came new questions. How do I proceed? With each new question, I would have more revelations. The revelations were the answer. Now all I have to do is unlock the meaning.

The next question is “Where do I begin”? Answer, right where you left off. No longer, will I look back, and begin at the beginning. Because to back track would only create new problems. Therefore, you need to evaluate your life, see your mistakes, then fix.

How does one know how to fix it? If you identified the mistake, as a mistake, then one has the knowledge to fix it. Sometimes the fix is simple and we think, “We should have known”, other times the fix is uncomfortable. The fix can even be embarrassing, or having to just say “I’m Sorry”. The point is, if you can identify the problem, then you have the knowledge to fix it.

Many continue to ask “How”? How, is the most is asked question and the answer is staring you in the face; If you look into a mirror. You have the answers to all your question. Through experience in life, comes knowledge. Through knowledge comes understanding of life.