Hopes and Dreams

They ranked across the shelves, rectangular marching soldiers. There were so many of them I hardly knew which one to choose. All proclaimed to be the best, the most accurate, reliable and easy to use.

I chewed on my bottom lip trying to decide which would be the best. My eyes strayed across to the colourful boxes of foil wrapped contraceptives but it was too late now to be looking at those. Oh we'd used them, not that it had done much good.

It had been three weeks since I'd thought I might be pregnant, three weeks of waiting, wondering and convincing myself that I was imagining things. I thought if I ignored it then it would go away. But today I'd finally plucked up the courage to buy a pregnancy test, to find out the answer to the most important question.

I took a deep breath; this was it, after this? No, I pushed all thoughts of 'after' out of my head. I could think of after later, first I had to get through this part without chickening out.

I closed my eyes, muttered a quick prayer and let fate do my choosing for me. Randomly, I grabbed at a box and opened my eyes, staring at the blue box in my hand. Was one enough?

I heard stories all the time of tests that had failed to detect a pregnancy, I grabbed two more boxes and then immediately put them back. No, I was being stupid and besides I could hardly afford this one let alone two more.

Hurriedly, I made my way to the counter hoping that I didn't bump into anyone I knew, my eyes darted left and right, there was one tense moment when I was sure I'd seen one of my relations browsing the shelves but they turned away before I had time to look again.

I avoided the cashier's eyes as I handed over the money and as soon as I had my change I grabbed the bag and ran out into the sunshine. My cheeks were burning red and it was like buying my first tampons or my first condoms all over again. The embarrassment of a stranger knowing something that nobody else did was just the same.

This was slightly more life altering though, there had been a sense of purpose when I was buying tampons and especially condoms, but now.this was different. I could bury my head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening but it didn't escape the fact that I might be pregnant and every time I tried to focus on what that meant my mind refused to grasp the hugeness of it. A child; growing inside me.

On the way home I walked through the park letting the breeze play on my hot cheeks, the sound of the birds soothe my jangled emotions and the smell of freshly cut grass take me momentarily back to my childhood. Running and playing in the fields at home with my brothers, the smell of grass, summer and happiness.

I opened my eyes, feeling somewhat calmer. I walked along swinging the carrier bag, young and carefree once more. Just a 20-something woman enjoying a rare day away from work.

A mother walked towards me, her baby in a pram before her. Would that be me in nine months time? Only the Pregnancy Test nestled in the carrier bag held the answer to that question.

For the first time, I tried to imagine myself as a mother and what kind of parent I would make. I failed miserably. Was I responsible enough? Was I ready? What about my career? The questions buzzed around my head like a swarm of angry bees. I shook it trying to clear my head but the buzzing only intensified. I sat down on a bench, letting the questions run around my brain.

How would I cope with a baby? My own childhood had been happy but I had no desire to turn into my mother, as much as I did love her. She had been wonderful but I was a different person, I wanted to be more of a friend to my child, someone he or she would respect and come to for advice.

I let my mind wander, imagining the first steps, the first words.in the space of five minutes I had given birth to my first daughter, watched her grow up and sent her off to university.

I had to stop thinking like this!

I frantically tried to think of something else. I concentrated on breathing. Inhale, exhale, inhale, hold for a count of three and then exhale again.

It was on the third inhale that I had the thought. I held my breath for a count of three and on one it suddenly occurred to me that the baby growing inside me depended on me for everything. Oxygen too? Did that mean that if I held my breath than my baby couldn't breathe? The thought was irrational but I couldn't get it out of my head.

I let my breath go all in a rush, convinced now that I was suffocating my unborn child. Breathing had never seemed so important as it did at that moment, up until now it had just been action, something I did without thinking about it. Now it seemed the most important thing in the world, it was keeping another person alive besides me.

I tried to calm myself and stared at the playground that was opposite me. I could see the swings, slides and roundabouts. The things I'd loved as a child.would I one day take my own child there to play? As I was thinking this thought, I saw a man enter the playground holding tightly onto the hand of a little girl who could be no more than three or four. Gently, he lifted her onto the slide and held her hand as she slid down it. She let out a squeal of delight and he laughed, scooping her up as she touched the ground at the bottom. She had the most gorgeous dark hair I'd ever seen, right down to her waist and I was convinced there and then that this was a vision of the future. The man was no longer a stranger but my partner, James and the girl with him was our daughter.

She would have his dark hair, his eyes, his smile and my love for the written word. She would be every bit as mischievous as her father and as intelligent as her mother. She would have James' kind and loving nature coupled with his passion for just about everything. She would be part of us and she would be herself.

I saw it all and was overwhelmed by it. James would make a wonderful father I thought and this wasn't the first time I'd had that thought. She would grow up happy and secure in her life. She could be anything she wanted to be. Maybe she'd be a musician like her father or a dancer like her great-grandmother or maybe she'd be something entirely different. The world would lie at her feet and she could have the pick of the best.

Without realising it, I had risen from the bench and was walking home, still lost in my daydreams. The carrier bag was clenched tightly in one fist as if I thought someone might rip it from my grasp.

I reached home and entered an empty house, James was at work and I had a sharp thrill as I imagined telling him that I was pregnant, we were going to have a baby.

As I walked up the stairs and into the bathroom I began mulling over girl's names. It would be a girl; I just knew it would be. I had always wanted a girl and I knew that if James wanted anything he would like our first to be a girl too. One evening we'd played a harmless game, picking out baby names and then choosing the best ones. All of mine were girl's names and so were most of his.

My mind went back to the one James had favoured; I hadn't liked it at first until I'd thought about it and then I'd grown to love it.

Abby, not Abigail, just Abby. It was perfect, I could see her now, wearing a yellow dress and white shoes, her dark hair down to her waist just like that little girl back in the playground. She would be beautiful. She would be ours.

I shut the bathroom door with a smile on my face, somehow I'd forgotten to be afraid, I'd forgotten to wonder how we would afford it and where we would live, instead an intense longing had overtaken me. I wanted this baby, I wanted it so badly that for a moment I almost imagined I felt her move inside me, growing there.

I unwrapped the test with shaking hands, hardly able to contain my excitement. I read the instructions twice through to make sure I understood them and then I followed the instructions to the letter. I laid the test on the side of bath and retreated into the bedroom to await the result.

It was the longest five minutes of my life, each second seemed to move in slow motion, dragging itself out to its full potential.

The sound of the alarm I barely remembered setting startled me out of a kind of daze. I sat frozen there for a moment unable to move.

Finally, I got up, silenced the shrieking alarm and walked into the bathroom.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, behind me I seemed to hear a child's laughter, in my mind's eye Abby's image was clearer than ever.

I picked up the test and turned it over.

Negative.

The laughter cut off, Abby's image vanished and all around me my dreams crumbled into dust.