Old Habits Die Hard

I want it.
I need it.
I can't survive without it.

Getting it gives me confidence and contentment.
Ironically, it gives me hope.

People talk.
A small town full of judgment, so I hide it.
I make excuses.
No one understands.
No one needs to know.

Suddenly what I thought was so good is now hurting me.
It's physically and emotionally destroying me.

My friends are there to help me.
I will pull through this.
Self-control.
I can do this...
Right?

Life never goes as plans, and things go wrong.
I lose hope, constantly second guessing myself.

Out of fear I turn back to it.
It's nothing but a vicious cycle.
When did I lose all control?
What will it take to make myself stop?
Old habits obviously do die hard.

You wonder, what is my addiction?
You, your love, or what I thought was love.

For four long years I've watched you slowly lose the battle against drugs.
Why do you do this to yourself?
Why when you know that you are hurting me as much as you are hurting yourself?
Why did I always think that I could help you or one day fix you?
...Why?

But now as I take a look at myself,
I find some understanding.

You want it.
You need it.
You can't survive without it.

I know that no matter what, you have to have it.
I know this because I feel the same way about you.

I need you.
I want you.
I can't survive without you.

You are my first love.
Despite everything I don't regret it, nor will I forget it.

In retrospect, we are not so different at all.
We are weak.
Both of us trapped by our own addictions.

But, I have the courage to admit that I'm addicted,
That I have become everything that I have always hated.

Will I ever reach the
far away destination of recovery?
Probably....or probably not.

When will I realize that
I don't need you,
or want you,
or that I can survive without you after all?