Miss(information) Accomplished

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States of America: [cue music, Queen’s “We are the Champions”]

My fellow Americans…we’re the champions! Yeah! They kept us fighting till the end, but we are the champions! Whoo! Yeehaw! No time for losers! Haha…whoo! Man, I love that song. Heh.

Sorry. Ahem.

My fellow Americans, these last few months have been a trying time for our great nation. Some said it couldn’t be done. Wal-mart could not be freed from the tyranny of its leaders. They said this war was foolish, a waste of resources, another Vietnam. Well, they were wrong! And since they’re wrong, that makes them American hating liberals! I won’t mention any names, John Kerry. Through perseverance and sacrifice by our men and women in uniform as well as the American people, we have prevailed over the enemy. As of today, I, the President of the United States, officially declare the end to major combat in the war against Wal-mart. Mission: Accomplished. Yeah, that’s what the big banner behind me says.

What good has this war done? The American people are safer! The regime of Lee Scott is no more. We haven’t captured him yet, or any of the other members of the Wal-mart Board of Directors, but we will. I promise that. Just like I promise to bring integrity to the Oval Office, and to capture Osama bin Laden. I know some of the haters out there are also worry about WMD’s and how we haven’t found any yet. Well, I said before the war that the leaders of Wal-mart were a tricky bunch. Perhaps they slipped them off of their property, right under our noses. We’re investigating to see whether a claim that their WMD’s are now in Sam’s Clubs is valid. Another theory is that Wal-mart is really good at hide-and-seek and we’re not. Still, there are those in the Pentagon who believe Scott ordered all his WMD’s to be torn down and stored until they can be rebuilt again. Wherever they might be, we know Wal-mart has weapons of market deflation, and Lee Scott won’t hesitate to use them against the American economy.

To aid our forces in capturing these financial criminals, the White House Press is partnering with the Topps Trading Cards Company to make Texas Hold’em: Wal-mart Edition. This is a set of special playing cards with the image of a Wal-mart leader on each card. Use these cards to play Texas Hold’em, because I’m from Texas, and when we catch one of these guys, we’ll hold’em, and we’ll keep’em locked up in an undisclosed location outside the U.S. without telling them what they’re accused of. We might even torture them! Hence the name, Texas Hold’em: Wal-mart. Order now and we’ll throw in a free Bush/Cheney campaign T-shirt, a $9.99 value. This is the one and only official Bush/Cheney 2004 vintage T-shirt worn by Bush supporters during the election.
But wait, there’s more. Call within the next 20 minutes and we’ll upgrade your deck to the Texas Hold’em: Limited Edition Collector’s Gift Set absolutely free of charge. This deluxe gift pack includes not only the Wal-mart deck, but also the Iraq deck! So now, you can show your patriotism by gambling not only with Lee Scott, but also Saddam Hussein and the Iraq gang! Get your Texas Hold’em: Wal-mart Edition and your free gift by calling 1-800-WAL-MART, that’s 1-800-925-6278 or by logging on to www.dont-mess-wit-texas.com. Hurry, supplies are limited. Must be 18 or older to order. Restrictions apply. Shipping and handling not included.

In addition to the retail strategy to flush out the regime of Lee Scott, the Pentagon is also announcing a reward for the capture, or information leading to the capture of high profile Wal-mart executives. Starting today, and continuing while supplies last, the United States will give informants a $1 million reward. I personally will also give you a nomination for the next Supreme Court vacancy. No experience is necessary, but you’ll have to get confirmed yourself. Again, this offer is valid only while supplies last.

In our efforts to liberate the employees and shoppers of Wal-mart, some the men and women of our armed services had to make the ultimate sacrifice: file for bankruptcy. I know it must pain the families of these young men and women who now have their credit records ruined for the next 7 years. They will not know the joy of having a credit card or getting a mortgage. They will have a tough time finding new jobs, and most of them will be forced to live from paycheck to paycheck. In order to get through this sticky situation, we have to stick together and stick to our faith. We must never give up hope of recovery, however hopeless it may seem.

Your sacrifice will not go unappreciated, because the American people are safer. Safe from ridiculously cheap sweaters made in third world sweatshops by five year olds who should be in school. Safe from workers losing their unionized jobs to Wal-mart. Safe from unpaid overtime. Safe from illegal immigrants, who have come to take their jobs illegally. Safe from their poorly designed pretzels that pose a serious choking hazard. And safe from that sinister, smiling, yellow face that stares right at you when you enter Wal-mart. In the political world, we like to draw conclusions. I have assessed the outcome of this war, and I believe we have made the American people safer.

Good night and God bless America. Now let’s get this party rolling Karl! [cue music “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang] Yeah! Whoo! Celebrate good times c’mon! C’mon Dick, let’s get that pacemaker started! Get those triple bypassed arteries pumpin’! We’re gonna celebrate, and…whoo!

This has been a special message from the President of the United States of America.