Happy Birthday!

I never imagined it would be like this. I never thought I would be alone. I always thought there would be angels in heaven or demons in hell (more likely the later), but not complete solitude. I've never felt so alone. She left me here. And at my weakest point. It was my downfall and now I'm alone. Forever.

I was nine-teen. After the recent divorce of my parents and a series of deaths including relatives and a friend, I wasn't in the best of conditions. I would do anything to escape the reality that was so coldly staring me in the face. I was unemployed, unmotivated and hated life. I wanted to end my life, I wanted to with a passion, but I couldn't do that to my family and friends. I'm not a selfish person. On a friend's birthday (I forget the date, but it was right around Christmas) I decide to get extra inebriated. I consumed two 1mg valum and proceeded to chase vodka with beer. I lost all sense of reality just as I had intended. I had an idea too. If I were to wreck and die, it wouldn't look like suicide, but an accident thus saving my family some pain. So I hit a light-pole. I hit a light-pole head on at 45 mph without a seat-belt. I survived. And I was glad. I realized after that night that I didn't want to die. I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to help people who had been in my situation. I don't rember the wreck or a few days after it happened, but I can still feel the pain in my face and nose, which was broken in three places, when I think about it.

She heard about it. Someone told her I was in critical condition and in a hospital near where she was goin to college at the time. She tried to find me, but only found my mother's cell phone number. She called and my mother told her I was going to be fine, Relieved, she went on with her life. As I mentioned, this all happend around Christmas time, so she was in our home town visiting family at the time. We dated in high-school and always had a thing for each other. She called me. She called and I didn't know the number. Now usually if I don't know the number, I won't answer, but something told me to answer. It was her and we arranged to meet the next day. When I saw her she was more beautiful than I ever remembered her being. I was stunned. We talked for a while and hung-out the whole time she was in town for Christmas break. It was her birthday also... Christmas day. I found out, to my dismay, that she was seeing someone and I could tell that she really cared for him. I played the good guy and didn't make any moves on her, I don't want to cause anyone that sort of pain. Well, the time came for her to go back to college and we said our good-byes. It was hard to see her go, but I knew it would make her happy. I was sober this whole time and even though all the time that we spent together she was doing drugs, I remained sober.

One day a few weeks later she came back. She had an incident where she got too drunk and threw a beer can at her boyfriend. The school though she needed some time away. We started hanging out again. And I started doing drugs again. We started to make love and become more than just friends. I loved her, but she still had feelings for her old boyfriend. I knew this. I knew I was a band-aid, but I didn't care. Anything to be with my angel. She saw him and was unloyal to me, but I stayed with her. She saw him again, but I stayed with her. I loved her. When the school decided it was time that she come back I was devastated. I knew we were over and I didn't want us to end. But then it happened, she couldn't afford to go back. She was going to stay. I could still be with her. I loved her. We remained together and I decided to go with her to drop-out of the college she had been attending. After all her affairs there were taken care of she asked if I wanted to meet some of her friends and stay with them. I obliged and said I would love to meet them. She cheated on me that night and said it was so that I would break up with her, and what did I do? I stayed with her. I loved her.

We moved to a different town and lived together in the same apartment attending the same college. We also worked at the same place. Things were good between us. We even got a dog. We talked of spending the rest of our lives together. I wanted to. We screwed up and had to move home. We still lived together, just with my dad. She got a job and I remained unemployed. I went on a binge. A meth binge, I didn't sleep for a month, She didn't know. And then she broke up with me. She said she needed time alone and I told her. I told her what I did behind her back. She was there for me. She held me as I shook from withdrawls, both from the drug and from her. She was and still is my best friend. But now I'm alone. On my birthday she left me and I came down.