I Hate

I Hate
By: Traci Ann

I hate him. I hate him because I love him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just sit and stare at him when he’s not looking at me…because I’m a guy, too. I’ve never felt this way about another man before. It’s strange. It’s weird. It’s abnormal! But…yet I do. I feel this way about him.

I sit here and stare and wonder…why do I feel this way about him? What’s the matter with me?? I mean, I’m a guy. I’m supposed to like girls, yet here I am pining after this guy. Granted he’s totally hot and he’s got a great personality and…well…yeah. But, anyway, I’m not supposed to feel this way!

My parents would kill me if they found out. Especially my father. He’s a real homophobe and he’d disown me. He’d kick me out and tell me never to come back and my mom would let him. She has two other normal sons. Why would she need one that might as well be a girl?

I haven’t told anyone about this. Not him, not my parents, not even my brothers. My brothers seem to know that I’m hiding something, though. They and I have always been close…to an extent. I mean, there was the usual sibling rivalry and all when we were younger, but not so much now.

Anyway, they’d have fits if they found out, too. They get their fun by making fun of other people…like gays or really ugly girls. They’d never understand if I confided in them that I was in love with another man.

It isn’t like I’m a virgin or anything. I’ve slept with girls before. So, why am I feeling this way? Damn it…I hate him. I hate him with a passion! But…I love him with one, too…How do I explain this to anyone? But, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to explain it to anybody. Why? Because, I’m free to hate and love him all I want. From afar. He’s a complete straight guy. Then again…I thought I was too…