American Studs

An epidemic of grave magnitude is plaguing this great and righteous nation. Our forefathers would be completely discussed with the way their male kindred have shaped their country. Fathers (sperm donor is a better word for them) have forgotten how to take care of their own. Play and pay not is the new way of life for today’s men. The tragic truth to this recent way of life is that it effects our whole society financially and psychologically.

When a man decides to provide stud services and nothing else a mother is left with a child or two to support on her own. Economically the world has moved on, therefore, a single person finds it near impossible to support children alone. Women living off of welfare becomes the end result of a man’s’ service. Monies spent on the care and feeding of these studded children cost the government millions upon millions of dollars yearly. Funds that could be spent in other more productive ways.

Another tragic truth to this epidemic is children growing up in poverty. An all to well known fact of growing up in the lower class is the creation of menaces to society. When a child has nothing and sees no hope for their future a life of crime becomes extremely appealing. In turn our government again supports these children of deadbeat dads when their life of crime leads them to prison. They could have had a chance if only ‘daddy’ shoveled out a couple of bucks.

“Money can’t buy me love.” The Beatles once sang and this is still true. Even without the means of basic human needs a child could get along in life. But when the man who provided half their genetic make up doesn’t want to do his share this too sets a child up for failure. They feel worthless and blame it on bad genes, what else could it in truth be. And since ‘daddy’ needed to spread his demon seed why shouldn’t the child. Thus the cycle of the deadbeat dad studding service continues.

I will cease my rumblings on this matter and try my best to explain to you an idea that came to me late one night. I pondered a long while about an efficient and prosperous way of handling our nations epidemic, being sure to include all aspects of such a divine plan.

So now I give you with the utmost respect for our nation founded on justice the answer to our problem, work camps. Yes my dear reader I said work camps. Fathers can finally have the means to pay off their debt to their mares (women) and our beautiful country.

Men that cannot find the resources to support the children they leave behind will be arrested and sent to a trial. At this trial a judge will take in account how old the child is and how much the father should have been paying each month. The end dollar amount will be his total debt to society. And if the woman who gave birth to his offspring is or ever was on welfare that amount shall be added in too. When debt has been established his time to serve in the work camp will be calculated. Depending on how fast he works his stay may be short or in a lazy man’s case very long.

Now your probably wondering what exactly it is these men will be producing. This I have to say is the most cleaver part of my plan. The deadbeat dad’s of America will be making children’s clothing. This industry is a very profitable one. Clothing is always needed and in our economy what is needed goes for top dollar. With the revenue our little studs will be producing the government and mothers everywhere will be able to be paid off in full. Not to mention the sweet irony of the ‘dad’s’ making children’s cloths, a daily reminder of why they are there.

Worry not either about the cost of running such a camp. The inhabitants of this program will only have bare minimum. (Isn’t that what they expected for their children) Tents are an inexpensive home and sleeping bags can be washed for the use of the next offender. Clothing need not be an issue either for they work in a warehouse where dirt is not a problem. Two sets of their own clothing will be more than enough. Meals will consist of eggs and potatoes. Chickens are cheap to maintain potatoes are even cheaper to grow. Farming the two should be easy when starvation is the only other option. So as I’ve said before the great revenue being produced will more than cover these little expenses.

It has been brought to my attention by a good female friend of mine that men are hard headed. What if they still neglect to support their child after they are released? Back to the camp they go. And if necessary they will go back three different times. At this point if they still have not learned to provide for their colts (children) I see no other solution but to neuter them. Some people may disagree with such a final way of dealing with blatant irresponsibility. Let me reassure you of the benefits this will provide.

Without his tool of the trade acting as a stud is no longer possible. Therefore, a man who is obviously to retarded to learn a lesson the first three times will no longer be able to spread his retarded genes. Society would eventually weed out the future ’retarded’ offenders. And for those of you who still are no convinced let me put it this way. They had three chances to change their ways well aware of the end result. Whose fault is it really? In the end the benefits of my idea are so great and profitable why let neutering be such an issue.

First of all, mothers will no longer need to be on welfare. With a monthly check being sent they can begin to support themselves. Poverty won’t have to be their only choice. Resources once used to support single mothers could then be used for the necessary expenses like education.

Secondly, children won’t have to feel worthless and unwanted. If daddy’s paying the bill they have to be worth something. Being worth something means they have a future. Having a future will deter then from a life of crime. Thus breaking the dead beat dad cycle.

Above all, men would learn to take responsibility for their actions. Either by preventing an unwanted child or making sure be could afford one. Finally becoming a truly good man that his woman could be proud of.

Many ideas have come before mine and many will come after. But have any of them truly encompassed the epidemic as a whole. Has any idea been so thought out and carefully outlined as this one. Can any of them be as profitable and self-serving as my perfect plan? If there is such an idea let it come out into the light. For I am a true American who believes in justice and happiness for all. Keep this nation the way our forefathers saw it. Liberty, integrity and the responsibility we have to take of our own.



Written for a writing class in the style of:


Swift, Jonathan. “A Modest Proposal.” The McGraw-Hill Reader: Issues Across the Disciplines,
8th ed. Ed. Gilbert H. Muller. Boston: McGraw Hill 2003. 417-423.