looking within

Subsist
1.
I hope that when you read this that all is well in your life and that when looking back you see no mistakes and do not feel the pain of regret. If applicable, when putting your children in bed I hope you feel that you are making a difference in their lives and when asked your children will with confidence tell people that it was the best life that they could have known.
2.
I pray that these dreams do not find you in the night, reminding you what waits upon waking. There are moments that I feel free from all of this and then other times it is almost too much to bear.
Who has it worse then I, many, thousands, millions, but to me this is the worst that I have ever been for oddly enough it is also the best that it has ever been. Its funny how with every new freedom there seems to be some sort of responsibility lurking behind it with a string attached that somehow was overlooked when closing the deal.
I know now as I wish I would have known then that all my fears were so severely misplaced that this is who I have become and there is nothing I can do to bring back the years. As a child I am sure we all feared the boogey man at some point and secretly waited for his attack to come out of nowhere viciously pulling you into the darkness where you would be lost forever never to be seen again.
So many sleepless nights waiting silently, waiting foolishly eventually we all learn that the boogie man does not exist and then we simply replace him with some other form of goblin in our lives; But what if one day you come to find that you have been him the whole time, as I have. For I am the monster in the closet I am the freakish being that you all wait for in the night I have become mine own demon destroying everything that I have ever had.
These words have become so easy to write for over the years I have tried to describe many countless times through my writing this very description of myself. I do not dare speak of these things for I fear someone might hear me and then I would be discovered by all.
Not so much of a monster that you should fear in the terms of coming into your home and setting fire to you and your family but more of the monster that dwells within me that at times has a chance to breath to share my heartbeat to live through me for a moment and that moment is all it takes for everything to change. This is a simple approach at describing my ordeal, this is something I need, I have to have this, I have to know that someone is reading this and possibly understands possibly relates but I fear I already know that none of you fine citizens can relate for I am alone in this hell to fend for myself and to hopefully portray a “normal” life.
A temper that has no rival a mouth that speaks such evil and a mind that never stops thinking, planning, waiting, and fearing. You may have passed me on the street and thought nothing of me, you very well may have even spoke to me and still took no notice but it is there it has always been there you were just not looking for it. I take a rather morbid approach to my apologizes for as I am lashing out I hope for forgiveness and ask that you take pity and understand for I do not know how to change and beg of you to listen.
You must understand that I do not mean the things that I am saying when I am yelling it is not me, and please do not judge my temper when I am destroying everything within reach. And when I look at you with the eyes that make you want to run and hide just remember it is not me and wait a minute I will return shortly.
My mind works with poisons and trickery motives and greed self loathing and hate.
My mind works with remedy and truth motivation and giving selflessness and love. I am trapped in a revolving cycle that continues to bring back memories that I am forced to look upon and remember the times when this had yet to take place and the need within me to return to that time as to avoid any of this from ever happening is so strong that at times consumes my very being. There must have been some way of avoiding this from happening over and over.
3.
A self contained rage that burns as bright as the morning sun as powerful as a brewing storm that has yet set in, and just as that storm I also have a center of calm a brief moment to regroup a glimpse at to what is coming and prepare for the inevitable tail end of my supposed episode that leaves me with nothing more then eternal regret.
Allow me a moment …
4.
A single memory as simple and pure as that of childhood brings forth an emotion that takes me higher then any drug I can possibly use to forget, witch brings up my thoughts pertaining to alcohol. The exquisite plateau that one can reach something of a utopia an experience that should be treated with respect that none of us have, with my mind lacking I seem to enjoy the euphoric sensation so much so that I try to indulge ever so often.
But, what then of the consequences; my simple mind in a simple state of being quickly changes, festering into an explosive outcry for the memories to stop the visions to cease, oh, how I spend countless hours wasting the present and remain in the past allowing precious time to be replaced with wasted agonies that continue to worsen by the aggravation of past issues pending.
Am I after all hell bound; is this merely the first stage to my predestined destination? I beg that this ignorant assumption does not pose a threat to any remaining hope I may posses to entering eternal peace from these trying times.
I ponder with great enthusiasm and possibly a much greater fear the after life that none of us seem to know anything of. I accept full responsibility for my lack of knowledge on this matter for I was given the book in my youth to learn of such things but my simple ness will only allow me to spend my time searching for a way to document my pathetic existence.
5.
Who then do I turn if the only one that has the power, (besides myself, if that is an accurate statement), to help me change I knowingly shun with such an arrogance that even now I do not change my ways and show my gratitude!
Merely an attitude that portrays nothing more then an child having one of their more famous tantrums, expecting more then I deserve perhaps I deserve nothing, perhaps I am deserving more or possibly I deserve exactly what I have and nothing more should be said on the matter. I acknowledge the latter of the four but as for saying nothing more on the matter there is still much to be revealed.
6.
This nonsense must baffle even you for you must be questioning why you have read even to this point, maybe you can relate! An unfortunate thing indeed yet I do not feel so alone there are others like me searching for something that they have yet found let alone know what it is at all. I do digress for I am ashamed for taking pleasure in your newly found horror in reflection.

A child I once was and an adult I hope to become, but what of the middle ground between the two. Is there a suitable point to stop before becoming an adult yet still not behave as a child? Such a commitment the word, “becoming” brings forth a sense of commitment by itself.
My thoughts to my behavior when I am brimming with uncontrollable anger, well I must describe to you the vision I have of myself standing in a dark room foaming at the mouth frothing with anger spewing such nonsense that my point unfortunately is never conveyed. And to the people that have to bear witness to such a site, feeling as though there is nothing that they can say or do to neither calm nor ease the situation.
This being only an assumption I feel though that I am not far off that at first people felt fear looking at a man large in his stature to lose absolute control, as for now I believe it is nothing more then boredom that sweeps the room in these all to common instances.
Yes, I am having a moment I want to command the room I want all to see my pain and know that it is a daily occurrence for me to have these emotions, to have these fits of rage inside of myself and to have to contain them for if I did not then I would lose even more then I already have. A man once said to me, “no matter how hard things may seem very few of them last forever”, and I wonder if I have found one of the few.
Easy enough to say that I am acting as a child and to move on but regardless of your educated theory I am left with this when you all leave my presence and continue on with your perfect lives. I shudder to think that some of you may actually read this and realize how truly wretched my existence is
7.
And for my sexual fantasies that remain dormant I feel as though there can be nothing more appealing for me then to not find myself fearing the very act of. Now in that I fear that I am alone for talking with people about this very thing the response I get is always of amazement nothing short of disbelief on their part. To indulge brings me the same satisfaction as abstinence, whoever would have thought a male in his prime could have such self control well the truth being there is no control not that I have a physical dysfunction that prevents me from partaking in the act it is more of a mental issue of meaning. If there is no meaning then there is no point to indulge in something that is being offered merely to be offered, then my satisfaction will be the same weather I engage in the offer or decline. To have a constant fascination in this area and no other by people is frustrating to the point of self gratification to avoid the whole matter completely. Am I robbing those who are near to me by such a selfish act? I think if my feelings were to be felt by those around, the fear that I feel, the meaning that I need, the reassurance that is needed is too heavy a price to ask of those, then it becomes merely a routine that must be completed and voids out the act all together.
8.
An increasing anger mixed with frustration is rich within me by taking in all of these confessions I too have a hard time reading these words for there is no end to this misery! A gathering of composure is needed at this point or I shall just ramble on in these writings as if there was no need for detail and that would be defeating the purpose of this whole journal. Now that I have regained some control I wonder if this has been amusing to some of you; if I have indeed created some to believe that this is meant as just a story and this person surely cannot be rea;l and now I am dealing with an audience that reads the next words solely for the purpose of laughter and my constant description has carried on to long for it to be affective!

A quiet whisper can carry on longer then one may think just as words in the past touch me to this day my memory for other peoples actions and words in uncanny; moreover I still stress the fact that so much has been said by you all that has long been forgotten but I am left remembering wounded by something that meant nothing. A simple sexual misgiving, a humorous statement, criticism laced with love, you are all laughing and I fear it is all directed at me. Does one have to question my whereabouts; I hide in my shelter just as you feel you have to hide the truth from me out of fear that I may not be strong enough to hear the words that are needed to be said.
9.
A coiled serpent so cold so deadly, suspended in time, in thought simply being. I beg to catch your eye to be given a gentle look with a gentle thought followed by a gentle touch. Should I feel guilty for wanting your attention when I am supposed to be with another?
Have I been cast aside no longer a contestant that will continue to be overlooked by all, what changes should I endure for a mere notice by you and not one of pity nor one of curiosity I want a look that sees me for me and you do not turn you do not falter, no you gaze upon me in a hopeful smile that leaves my mind questioning your motives an exciting exhilaration flows through my body as we connect in a single moment with no words no movement no malice… there has been no wrong!

Yet there is no room for you there has never been room for another it is I and I alone and I will remain alone as long as I am I. I hear the sounds of mine own heart so reassuring so constant a reminder that there is life and I continue…

leaving in mind the morbid skit that plays in my mind as I sit alone at night in the darkness still without movement without breath and reenact my reenact ion of people finding my lifeless body as I lie there for the world to see me and finding pleasure in the thought of being found and I play on the emotions that would fill the room the sadness the crying I would command the room once more I will find freedom in death as I have found death in life.

A delicate notion so fragile so new, a wound that carries a much needed burden spiraling quietly as if protecting the very contents it is devouring; a brutal touch inflicted, yes indeed I did seem to catch your attention! With my eye swelling I see the look of disbelief upon your face as if you have never witnessed someone inflicting harm upon oneself. I am not proud of these times that I must resort to such a barbaric act only for attention and attention is what I achieve. We must leave this moment for now because no good can arrive from pursuing this any further.

10.
And in these times that I think no one is watching I am free to think in peace for I cannot clearly think in the presence of others. I am left to create and to destroy I am here alone needing seclusion at the moment but it seems these times of isolation are for to long anymore. And for you, why do you not speak to me are you afraid, or are you merely exhausted by my being and grow weary of my presence and await the next encounter and hope for some sort of change so as you can bear me once more. I pursue your consideration with such effort and I know it can only end in folly yet I maintain, an electric sensation enters my mind and then my body as this thought seems to carry on eternally, and in my eternal eternity I find that boredom occupies most of the vastness that I in vision when using the word eternity.

A slight convolution rapidly engulfs the inner mechanics of my mind extinguishing all judiciousness and allows my demon to take place once again, I beg of you to annihilate this force that has no calculation of the very meaning of being; to live to breathe to feel to accept, when needed it becomes a very useful tool however the minus outweighs the plus and I would rather abandon this monstrosity then go on more day fearing another incident. My breath has become short and my muscles begin to retract following blurred vision and violent trembling uninhibited panic soaring to levels you have yet to comprehend flailing about as if mad in no certain direction yet always returning to the exact point that I began. My failure to adequately describe in any real detail is becoming quit apparent, and I apologize to take you this far into my supposed depiction to only fall short of my pledge.
11.
I am the winter moon, the harvest feeding… weeping patience.
I can offer nothing more then these words.
What is left? Exposing myself?
I fear that you shall find the demon that you came to see, now that he is free, free to
Wander but alas what residue lies between these words, old and stale flailing about as dead skin. I cower between two worlds looking through a parasitic scope of disgust at my audience laughing and playing as I sit and fester, but soon you shall all learn the reasons for hating this life, but fear death for hell shall surely follow, look upon me! A vile fertilization spawning a demon seed… Subdue my anger! For contain it I cannot; the constructive shell lingering about strangulating the very life from my body as I watch my endeavors collapsing before me. With an awkward eye, oh how the devil held me so close in those days…
What is this that lies before me? I cannot harbor the fact that these very pages hold my secrets, my dreams, (possibly prophecies in which I have yet found to exist). Exasperating all resources I fall hollow, the extraction of these thoughts leaves me empty, exhausted I lie there immobilized from the struggle weeping…
12.
Now that I have spoke so much of myself what of the others the people that seem to be willing and able to bear the burden of me. After time indeed as so many other things in life we all grow numb to each other even those that sacrifice everything and gain nothing; with a guilty heart, yet a jealous a and hateful mind I look at all with two eyes enter pitting everything with two thoughts two emotions and I grow weak from sorting through all the different sensations choosing at times to grow cold with a lingering anger that is always present like that of a parasite attaching itself, feeding growing, finding a suitable environment to survive and thrive. I am sick with a calibrated hate precise and calculated in its methods; a momentary pause a brief silence now I have you unleashing accusations that seem to end with folly and my parasite growing and festering into a growth that has become a annoyance. When am I justified within my paranoia? When is it acceptable to be suspicious allowing these persistent demons to express their concerns concerning your actions your where a bouts. Alas, I am defeated in every attempt to distinguish fact from fiction exhausted from holding back the very emotions I wish to indulge but in this instance my mind is forgiving before my actions and in that I am thankful. To whom do I relinquish my worries my failed attempts at reclaiming my manhood in the eyes of others my miserable attempts at expressing myself my failed attempts at interacting with those I have reserved skepticism a reason to be guarded… a pity isn’t it? (Note to me: maybe add more here of your own before adding this next thought) but alas I am a believer in others abilities to live my life. My sarcastic point of view; needless to say brings discomfort to you, and in the presence of your peers sheer terror. I revel in your squeamish chatter bringing forth a nervous disposition. I do digress for the moment for I have lost my thought and will once more continue- my need for expression is failing and with it the need of your existence, so you see I have come to an intersection, rather a fork in the road and I simply o not know what to do.
The late nights have turned to hateful mornings, the talks have turned to howling, and my patience has in some way turned to insightful ways of conjuring up escape.
We must laugh and we must laugh now, for if we don’t then you shall surely see how serious I have become in these recent days thought. Oh, to see things from your own eyes and have thought s from your mind would be a miracle in some fashion. My darkness that surrounds me and my life has begun to dim your light, I see it and I know you feel it. Our discussions should be left brief and are not to concern anything that could excite either of us, my fuming and your weeping has given life to a rather annoying shadow that blankets our home and I have not seen the light in days and am now myself becoming rather squeamish.
Do you remember the beautiful times we had….?
Do you remember the times when you yourself would have sworn that I was possessed by the devil? I think of those times with a heavy heart because I can still taste the hate from my words and feel the bones in my hands ache from all the destruction! We must draw close and chant for I know not of any other way for us to communicate without slanderous accusations being slurred throughout the night. I hesitate to write in this fashion knowing that in my weak heart I shall reveal my writings and surely pay the price. I am truly scared for I know my time is limited, (sigh) the impatient look upon your face reminds me of your constant boredom concerning my demise: nevertheless grant me the decision to pass amongst the shadows when next surrounded by friends and loved ones. The sarcastic nature is quit necessary to open point these “realities” pertaining to you and me. Another thought is not enough anymore. My mind wanders now as it did then as a child conjuring oceans of questions upon waking. These questions that have stayed with me through the years remain; I still ponder your motives! Your actions contradict your strength and in everything that you do I am amazed that some bring you discomfort, and others you pay no mind, how you distinguish between the two I do not understand. You must excuse my forwardness in this matter, but having spent so much time with you I rather feel like an expert on the subject.
13.
I know now on those nights I sit and tremble without cause and feel as though I am dying that I truly am. The comprehension of these words sets in and I know that a little piece dies inside of me each time I reflect. To stop now to end this lunacy shall surely bring forth a relapse I have alienated myself from all of you by trying to prove to all that I am in this hell and by doing so I push you further away but when you are done reading this it will be as it has always been you will turn to me and say that you love my work and that will be the end of it. Can there be nothing more, is there nothing more, I do not know what I expect possibly a tear a ghostly look upon your face as if for the first time you truly realize what you are reading and produce nothing more then empathy!
14.
And for my mother I offer the simple emotion of regret. Please leave this moment as perfect as you found it and leave with nothing more then a memory of what it is that you once witnessed. A horrifying creature creating madness with a hint of hate a vision of rage festering in a beast that frightens you with memories of my childhood, holding a fear that you once found in this place. A quiet moment deserving the respect that it deserves for the calming of this so called monster comes with a price. I bow my head in shame for the things that I have done, never wanting to show my face in your presence again. A haunting memory clings to my every action every word and every thought. My poor mother the things that you had to endure in the grueling years of my psychotic rebellion; and there I sat with intentions of destroying myself, yet you were in the way, how I took your loving ways and shattered every fiber every loving action and word holding you captive within fear within threats never looking back. Interminable episodes that ended in horrific conduct; I am ashamed to even confess these things now as I lay my head in hopes of rest there shall be none for the never-ending moans of agony that beckon to me from the night are reminiscent of the tears you once tried so hard too hide from me, and I stood there as a demon child bearing witness to my deeds praying that my life would end at that moment but there was no such relief. So swift and brutal were my attacks that the number of them are staggering I replay them in some morbid fascination, possibly as of yet I am still in disbelief that such a tragedy ever occurred. Yet your unfaltering love remains to this day, and I am so undeserving, just as my younger years I was nothing more then a disease and should have been dealt with as such. Eradicated! Banished from mine own forgiveness I offer to those that judge me based on these words I will die in a preserved state of regret for I will never forget the things I created in my youth that follow me to this day,