The nobody - funny, fast cyberspace romp

(cyberspace. nSeeker meets the nobody)

nSeeker looked around. “Where are you?”

It was complete blankness, except for the boot. He turned to the doorway, which zipped away the moment he saw it, turning to a dot in the distance, then disappearing altogether. It was not dark, exactly. There was simply nothing to see.

Except for the boot.

“Who said that?”

No answer. nSeeker was comfortable with the blankness. He liked it, in fact. He had a featureless memory of the suspended state where his mind had been for a very long time. Entropy, with no idea of time. He knew he could just lie down and drop into that state in this place. It would be easy. He could dissolve away here, put himself into midnight. He lay down, closed his eyes.

Water splashed on his face. He woke up, spluttering, and turned his head to the side. A boot, the boot. Someone was wearing it now, 2 of them standing on his chest, and urinating on his face.

“Wake up, sleepyhead!” It was a thick East Texas twang.

Jesus Christ seemed like the best thing to say. He should shout it. He did.
“No, just me. The nobody.” It was only the boots, moving as if someone was wearing them.

“Are you invisible?”

“What do you think?”

“I can’t see you.”

One of the boots kicked him in the face. “Can you feel me?”

“Yes.” It didn’t hurt.


There was a rainbow shimmer, faintly flickering in the blankness. He only saw it in his peripheral vision. Even after all he had been through, this rainbow shimmer was the first thing that made him truly afraid, not just instants of panic. His last memory was of death, and he had lain in the entropy in wordless contemplation of it afterwards. He had made peace with all ideas of death.

But this thing was not death.

“What is that?”

“Don’t you worry about that.” A hand came from nowhere, and slapped him. “Stop thinking about it. Now.” The slap made a noise, but he hardly felt anything at all, just a soft whooshing through his head.

He grabbed one of the boots and twisted hard to the side, forcing the nobody down. nSeeker heard a loud cracking, and saw a pool of blood rush out from where the nobody’s nose should have been.

"Ow. You broke my nose, the nobody said. That’s it, pardner. You’re in for it, now."
The boots leapt up. There was a bloody chin and mouth, two bloody nostrils, and a copious amount on an otherwise invisible shirt. A boot kicked him squarely in the crotch where he lay. He flew away painlessly, the boots disappearing, a dot in the distance.

nSeeker remained laying where he landed, ready to drop into the beyond state, into the blankness. He wondered if he did so out of fear of what was behind the rainbow mask.

The boots squatted beside him.

"Sorry about that, pardner. I just go off a little half-cocked sometimes. I don’t mean nothing by it.
"Hey, what say we have us a drink."

They were sitting on barstools in the blankness.
"Two brewskis, barkeep. A noise of two beers opened, then placed on the bar in rapid succession. Two round beer bottle bottom sized wet circles appeared, then the entire bar rolled into view from the two spots."

"Why can’t I see the bottle?"

"You gotta taste it first."

nSeeker tasted it. He knew the taste. It was donkey urine. He had drunk it in the Sierra Madres as a test of something or other in a rough bar. Two shots of tequila with a squirt of donkey urine from a calfskin bag. This was straight urine, though.
He loved it. He had a Budweiser bottle in his hand.

He forgot where he was, remembering the hiking trip. It was a nice memory.

He was suddenly flying backwards, words written in large 3-dimensional letters of light flew past him when he slowed down like he was on a rubber band. Get with the program, the writing said. He flew back and landed on the barstool with a rubbery stop.

"Sorry," he said.

"Don’t sweat it, son. People forget about me all the time. Think about my name."

"I’d rather not."
"Suit yourself. He belched loud and long, slammed his bottle down. Barkeep, another." He belched again, and a pack of Black Lung – Die Young cigarettes materialized from pocket height. As if on cue, a beer set down on the bar, and a lighter flamed up. The nobody lit his cigarette off it, coughed violently.

"Thanks, barkeep."

"Are you one of the Named?" nSeeker asked.

"Screw the Named, boy. I ain’t got time for all that."

"Are you the fish?"

A squirt of chewing tobacco spit hit nSeeker in the eye.

"Do I look like a fish to you? Are you stupid?"

"Uh…" said nSeeker.

The nobody handed him a handkerchief.

"Sorry about the tobacco spit. I forgot I was smoking a cigarette. Guess that weren’t too realistic. I…um…I just plumb forgot. Sorry. Tell you what, let’s put a song on."

The boots walked over, a quarter appeared at pocket height, and the coin slot of a juke box popped out of nowhere. It went in with exaggerated coin falling noises, and a bunch of vinyl singles was behind glass. nSeeker watched a number pad as the buttons pushed themselves one by one.

The record moved out upon a mechanical arm. A crackling noise came up, causing two speakers to arrive. A song called Eyes without a face began and the whole juke box was there. The boots walked back over, hopped in the air, and the nobody landed on the barstool. There was a smell, then a loud farting noise.

"Oh, pardon me, he said. Must of had a bunch of beans for lunch."

nSeeker tried to direct the action himself a bit. "If you’re the nobody, then who am I?"

"I don’t give a shit who you are. Hey, let’s play pool."

A hard pool break sounded from behind them.
A ball dropped.
nSeeker turned, saw two more pairs of cowboy boots with two pool sticks at a table. The nobody strolled over to the table. nSeeker followed.

"You boys clear off, I’m gonna play with my friend here."

"What did you say?"

"Get outta here, he yelled. I wanna play."

"Well, we’re playing."

"Not anymore you ain't."

"Oh, yeah. You gonna stop us?"

"Maybe. Yeah, I reckon I might. ‘less you’re smart and stop yourself."

"You and what army?"

"Me and my friend." The cigarette pointed at nSeeker.

"I don’t want to fight," he said.
"I don’t much care one way or the other." The boots turned to him. "You can just take a ass whooping instead if that’s what you wanna do. Up to you." The boots walked back over to nSeeker. "Maybe you can run off like a big ole' chicken and I can take ‘em both."

"No, I’ll stay."

"Right on. I knew you was all right. You think we’re long lost brothers? Say, you wanna play 8-ball or 9-ball? Or should we make up a new game?"

A cue stick broke over the nobody’s head.

"Oh, I forgot we was in a fight. Ow. That. Hurt. Fool."

The boots ran over to the jukebox and kicked it.
"Ah, hell, no. I hate fighting to this song. I gotta hear a country boy can survive. Or friends in low places."

The nobody searched the juke box until the second pool cue broke over his head.

"Damn," he said, "I forgot again."
nSeeker received a hard slap on the face although the nobody was across the room. "How’d you let me forget? I thought you were my friend. They snuck up on me, man."

The boots ran over and hid behind him.
"Save me. Help! Them big bad invisible rednecks is so awful. I’m just scared to death of ‘em. What do you reckon I should do?"

nSeeker heard his knees knocking together and his teeth chattering.

"Put on a hat," said nSeeker, starting to enjoy the game.

"Damn, you’re a smart fella. How did I forget my fighting hat?"

The boots disappeared with a cartoon whizzing noise, then returned with a cowboy hat on a head which was not there. The boot tips tilted up as the heels dug in, screeching to a stop. It was a large, yellow, straw hat with a patch that said who’s you’re daddy? on the front. It had stickers all over it like Got milk? and I’m with stupid and an arrow up pointing down.

"Who wants their ass whooped? I forgot who I was fighting."
He slapped nSeeker again.
"Who was I fighting, dammit? Pay attention. What do you think I’m paying you for?"

"You’re not paying me."

The nobody threw a bunch of money in his face.

"It’s confederate. Be worth a lot soon."

A barstool broke over the cowboy hat.

"There you are," he said. The cowboy hat turned slowly. Two loud movie style fist striking noises occurred.

"Both of ‘em with one punch," he said proudly. "That'll learn 'em."

"Holy cow," one of them said, "it’s the nobody."
They ran away, leaving puffs of smoke at their hasty departure.

The nobody picked up the remaining barstool, dumping nSeeker on the floor. He waited until the two pairs of boots were almost gone, then threw the stool high into the sky. It came flying down, knocking down one pair. The boots jumped up, turned to face them.

"You’ll pay for that, nobody."

They turned and ran on.

"Yeah, yeah, sure I will."
He turned back to nSeeker.
"Don’t worry about them. They ain’t gonna mess with your car or nothing. I know where they live."

"What are their names?"

"Whose names?"

"Those men who just ran away?"

"What men? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. Let’s play pool if you want."

"Don’t want to no more. Can’t anyway, both the sticks are broke, remember?"

nSeeker saw a rack of cues hanging in the air, presumably on an unseen wall.

"Look, there are more cues."

"Yahoo!" the nobody spun, and the sticks disappeared. He slapped nSeeker. "Quit lying, boy. That’s a terrible habit."

There was a brief pause. "Let’s go get some coffee."


The bar, jukebox, and pool table vanished. The nobody pulled out a revolver and fired it in the air.
"How about some coffee here?"

The gun spun in a circle, cowboy style, and reholstered, remaining visible along with a gunbelt and a second gun on the other side of it. A wisp of smoke hung in the air from the barrel. A tiny round coffee table, blank in the center with a walnut rim, rose out of the floor. The pole underneath was absent, but there was a heavy iron foot, painted red.

As the table rose, it touched the smoke, which turned, bit by bit, into a line of white powder on the table. A straw appeared, snorted it up.

"Now let’s have some real fun."

"What’s that?"

Another slap.

"It’s cocaine, you idiot. You want some? Where were you born, Idaho? You never seen cocaine?"

A waitress, with a body, a tray, and a pony tail, but no face, sauntered over to them.

"What can I get you boys?"

"You sure are beautiful, sugar. Louise, ain’t it?"

"No, Louise is off today."

"My bad. You look just like her, though. Don’t she?"

"I don’t know Louise." nSeeker pointed to the waitress. "And I can’t see her face."

"Neither can I."

"How do you know she’s pretty, then?"

The nobody leaned in and whispered. "You got to use your imagination."
He leaned back and resumed his normal voice. "Now go on be a gentleman and tell her she’s pretty."
He leaned in, whispered again. "I think she likes you."
He leaned back. "Tell her!"

"Uh…you are very pretty. What’s your name?"

"No, no, no. Don’t move so fast, you’ll scare her off. Gotta be smooth, like the master, here."
Both guns came out, tapped against the nobody’s chest and reholstered after the obligatory spin.

"What do you boys want?"

"I like my coffee black, like my whole universe. How you like your’s, champ?"

"I don’t care."

Slapping sound without any feeling.

"Make up your own damn mind. I ain’t your mother."

"No," nSeeker said, just to be obstinate. "I don’t care."

The pack of cigarettes appeared, moving around in the air. One shook out, went into the nobody’s mouth, and the pack dropped to the table.

"Ain’t you got no manners?"

"What?"

"Light my cigarette."

"I don’t have a lighter."

"Oh, brother. What the hell good are you then?"

A zippo appeared from the nobody’s pocket. He handed it to nSeeker, who lit his cigarette with it.

The waitress cleared her throat.

"Oh, sorry, sugar. Forgot you was there. Bring him a black cup of cheesecake and a slice of coffee. I…I mean…hell, you know what I mean."

The nobody put the cigarette out on nSeeker’s tongue when he wasn’t looking.

"Listen, bub, I make the rules here, see. That’s for making me look stupid."

"You are stupid." nSeeker spit out the ashes.

"Doesn’t mean I have to look it."

The waitress finished writing on a pad, turned away, then turned back to the table. She set down two cups of coffee and a slice of cheesecake.

"Holy cow, that was fast. Thanks, toots."

"Here you are, mister nobody. Here you are, mister whatever your name is."

The waitress stepped back, and appeared to fall from a high cliff. She screamed as she fell.
nSeeker jumped up. "Oh, my God!"

"I knew that was a bad place for a cliff. Right in the middle of a coffee shop. Lucky it wasn’t us." The coffee lifted, sipped, set back on the saucer. "Sit down, son. Don’t worry about her. I probably just made her up."

nSeeker sat.
The nobody pulled a notebook out of his back pocket, laid it on the table.

"Where’s my durn pen?"

nSeeker heard the sound of hands patting a body. He saw the top of a pen floating in space. "It’s in your shirt pocket."

"Thanks." The pen revealed the rest of itself.

The nobody held the pen in front of nSeeker’s face, slowly pushed the click button. It made the noise of a large, ancient, rusty door hinge, dragging out. Finally, the button came to the bottom with the sound of an enormous door slamming closed. An echo rolled away.

"What are you writing?"

The nobody ignored him. nSeeker looked. He was drawing an eye. The nobody turned, interposed his shoulder to block nSeeker’s view and wrote something. He closed the book and it went away.

"My own private business, thank you very much."

"What is that shimmering?"

This got him a punch in the nose. He pitched back over in the chair, bounced off the floor, and popped back upright, nose bleeding freely. The two revolvers were pointing at him.

"Don’t talk about that no more." The guns whirled and reholstered. The nobody leaned forward, and wiped off the blood with a handkerchief.

"Sorry. We just don’t wanna draw no…unwanted attention. Drink your coffee, eat your cheesecake. Let’s have a good time."

"Stop slapping me or I’ll talk about it."

Slap. Hard, with loud noise. Then another.

"Hey." nSeeker ran from the nobody, shouted at the shimmering. "Hey."

A lasso grabbed him, then another pinned his feet, and a third caught him around the throat and choked him. He was yanked back by the neck. The nobody pinned him with one arm and put his lips up to nSeeker’s ear. He was stronger than a hydraulic press.

"We ain’t gonna talk about that," he whispered. "Don’t get its attention."


He trussed nSeeker like a hog, strapped duct tape over his mouth. Two African tribesmen lifted him on a pole and started walking. The nobody walked beside, slapping his face from time to time.

"Gotta teach you a lesson, boy. Might have to hurt you a little bit."

The nobody went away, and the tribesmen carried nSeeker on the pole for about a day. His arms and legs swelled up, went numb, and were very sore when the feeling occasionally returned. They threw him in the air, and he landed on a sharp rock. The rock pulled back and kicked him, then moved to the front and stepped on his chest. It was the boot. The cowboy hat leaned down to nSeeeker’s face.

"Can we be friends now? I’d sure like that."

nSeeker nodded his head. The tape ripped away loud and painful. A red eye appeared under the hat.

"I’ll be keeping an eye on you."

A howling wind came up, and the nobody’s hat blew off. nSeeker saw a pair of hands grabbing madly at it and missing.

"Durn. That was my favorite hat." A large bowie knife appeared, cut the ropes. "We best get outta here. There’s a storm a brewing."

A house appeared in the distance. It began to rain heavily.

"We gotta run for it."

They splashed through puddles which sometimes came up to their hips. They were completely soaked and lightning struck all around. Lightning hit the nobody. The boots splayed up and stayed in the air; a ghost outline became immediately visible, rimmed with lightning, hands thrown out and hair standing on end. The nobody yelled. It lasted for four or five seconds.

The lightning stopped and the boots dropped back to the ground. The nobody made heavy panting noises and emitted smoke.

"Man, that hurt like fire. Scared the piss out of me, too." They ran the rest of the way to the house. "Doggone, I keep getting hurt today. I wonder why?"

The nobody pounded on the door. "Come on, baby, let me in. It’s a storming hard. I already been struck by lightning. Open up."

The door opened. A pregnant woman dressed like a prostitute stood inside.

"Go to hell, nobody. You can’t come back here like this."

The door slammed in his face.

"Can you believe that? Women. C’mon, Thelma, baby, you know I love you. How about if I read to you? How about if I make my own poetry up, special for you?
Baby, your titties are sweeter than sugar, and I really, really, really want to kiss you on the mouth."

An elbow nudged nSeeker. "That’ll get her for sure. Women are suckers for poetry."
The door opened.

"All right, c’mon in. It is storming pretty bad. You boys dry off."

"Thanks, baby." He kissed her. "C’mon man, let’s go hang out in the basement and play ping-pong." His cowboy hat hung on a peg inside the door. "Cool, my hat." He put it back on.

"I thought you were gonna quote poetry to me, nobody."

"Shut up and fix me some dinner. I wrote it special for you."

She slapped him. The cowboy hat spun backwards and a red spot appeared where his cheek should be.

"How’s it feel, nobody? You been slapping that poor boy all day."

"Aw, please, sugar plum. Please fix me up some vittles. I’m right hungry. I been out roping doggies in the hot sun."

"It’s raining."

"It’s even harder in the rain. C’mon, baby. I’m drunk, too. You know I ain’t so stupid if I get a little food in me. I’ll quit slapping him if you feed me. Cross my heart."

nSeeker felt another elbow. The nobody whispered in his ear. "I’m just saying that, man. I wouldn’t let you down like that. I’ll keep slapping you."

They went downstairs to play ping-pong.

nSeeker hit the ball. The nobody’s paddle shot across the table, slapped nSeeker on each cheek, and flew back.

"Not like that, dumbass. Like this."

The ball lifted, hovered, and shot from nobody’s paddle at nSeeker’s face. It turned into a brick on the way and broke his nose.

"Ha, ha. Broke your nose again. He set the paddle down. This is boring, man. Let’s go back out and try and get hit by lightning."

"You’re getting annoying." nSeeker was tired. "I need to sleep."

"Well, let’s play a game, then. It’s called ‘you try to get rid of me.’ I bet you can’t."
The cowboy hat jerked around suddenly. "Oh, hell-fire. Get in, quick." He jumped up on the ping-pong table, and it crashed to the ground. The ping-pong paddle morphed into a boat paddle. "Get in, fool, they’re after us. They’re on the way."

nSeeker stepped toward the flattened table, and was hip deep in rushing water. The table was a canoe. He grabbed on to the canoe and it pulled him into deeper, faster moving water. They were rushing along.

"Oh, maybe you’re supposed to have your own boat." His boat turned into a one man kayak and a helmet grew under the cowboy hat, straps unbuckled. "Yeah, sure enough, there it is, I see it."

Another kayak flashed past.

"You better get it, man. That’s your boat."

"Maybe you can lasso it for me."

"Yeah, I reckon I can do that." The lasso shot out, catching the boat.

"Can you pull it back?"


"I don’t think I can. I don’t wanna spill my beer. I’m gonna have a cigarette. You have fun."
nSeeker looked. The nobody had a cigarette, a bottle, and the lasso as if he had three arms. "Cool trick, huh? I reckon you’re gonna have to swim for it."

When nSeeker dove for the kayak, he shot towards it. The two kayaks had stopped dead, and he was rushing along in the water. He flailed, grabbing at the lasso. It shocked him viciously.

"Oops, sorry about that. Might of been a speck of static or two from when the lightning hit me and all. Better ought not touch it again."

nSeeker managed to grab the kayak, and both kayaks began moving in the river with him.

"Whoa, hold on there, pardner. You made my beer hit my tooth. I think it’s chipped."

nSeeker wriggled up, part out of the water, laying across the kayak.

"Yep, it’s chipped." A beer bottle smashed against the front of his boat.
"That ain’t how you get in a kayak."

It flipped over. As he went under, he heard the nobody shouting, "That’s better, that’s how you get in."

nSeeker acted on impulse and got in upside in the rushing rapids. He saw a paddle and a helmet in front on either side. He knew he could only get one. He grabbed the helmet, pushed it on his head. It clicked itself closed, and he was holding the paddle, still upside down in a moving river. A rock flashed at his face and he jerked to the side, smacking his helmet against another rock. He used his paddle to pop upright, but went back under on the other side.

He felt the lasso grab him by the neck and flip him upright.

"Quit playing around like that, it’s dangerous." The cowboy hat was ahead of him now, in a bright orange kayak.
"Yeehaw," said the nobody, dropping off a thundering waterfall. "This sure is fun, ain’t it, Carl?"


nSeeker plummeted over the waterfall. He saw the nobody, far below him. They were falling, though it would have been hard to prove, because there was nothing to see around them.

"There it is," the nobody shouted up. "On the left."
nSeeker looked. Far below, on his left side, was a white dot which grew into a bathtub.

"Oh, God," the nobody shouted. "We’re gonna die. There’s no way to land a kayak in a bathtub. It’s impossible. Help me, Jesus, and I swear I’ll never watch The Exorcist again."

The nobody plunged in. nSeeker saw the cowboy hat fly back with a loud whack.
"Ow," the nobody shouted. "Watch your face!" He disappeared into the bathtub.

nSeeker steered toward it. He pointed the kayak down instead of landing flat. He struck a minute and a half or so later. He shot down 25 or 30 meters under the water, then slowed.

"Outta my way." The nobody zipped upward, past him. "Watch out. You drive like a ole' lady." He flew up, out of the tub, and disappeared again.

nSeeker rose, accelerating. He hit the surface, and popped up minus the kayak. He landed naked in a bathtub full of ice cubes. He looked over, saw the nobody sitting in his own tub of ice, drinking a cup of what looked like hot tea.

"Want some Earl Grey, pardner? Them Brits, I tell you. Good tea." He farted loudly. "Oops, think I broke my bathtub."

The sun beat down on them and nSeeker’s arms and head heated quickly.

"Don’t this make more sense? Instead of sitting in the heat drinking something cold, we’re sitting in the cold, drinking something hot." A revolver lifted out of the tub, tapped the nobody’s head a few times. "Intelligent." The revolver whirled, and poked back into the ice..

"But there’s still the hot sun," nSeeker said.

Slap. "I didn’t ask you."

"Yes you did."
An ice cube hit him.

"Yeah, I reckon I did ask. I was just funning you."

A syringe and a rubber tube appeared in front of nSeeker.

"Let’s do some heroine, man." The needle and the rubber tube went away.
"You ain’t a cop are you?"

"No," said nSeeker.

"Forget it, man. You can’t get good dope around here anyway. Hey, let’s race."

The front of the nobody’s tub lifted to 45 degrees and huge wheels appeared on back, spinning and smoking. The tub zipped away in a wheelie. nSeeker felt pedals. He pushed the gas, and his tub lifted in front and shot off in pursuit. He saw a stoplight with a green light.

Pieces of paper flew out of the nobody’s tub. One hit nSeeker’s face and the wind pinned it over his eyes, causing him to bang his knee against something. He pulled the paper away, read it.

"Turn on your radio, you durn fool."

He looked down, saw the CB radio he had banged his knee against, and grabbed the microphone. He turned it on.

"Breaker one nine, breaker one nine. Got your ears on, out there?"

nSeeker pushed the button. "Yeah, my ears are definitely on."

He felt a slap and heard the slapping noise from the radio.

"No. You’re supposed to say, ‘Ten four, good buddy.’ " Another slap. "Now say it."

"Ten four, good buddy."

"Pretty good." Nobody’s tire blew out, spraying bits of flaming rubber, most of which hit nSeeker in the face. Nobody’s tub veered sharply out of control, then began pinwheeling in front of nSeeker’s. The tub bounced off a concrete wall with a high fence which appeared out of nowhere, then it burst into flames. He heard nobody screaming in fear and pain over the CB.

"This is scary," he said. "I’m aburning up."

The tub kept bouncing, shedding flaming car parts which nSeeker fended off as best he could. The cowboy hat tumbled back, bouncing as if it had a head strapped into it.

"Oh, god," the nobody’s voice screamed from the hat, "the pain. It’s horrible. This is the most awfulest thing I ever felt in my life, I swear."
The cowboy hat spun up, and smacked itself over nSeeker’s face. He righted it on his head.

"Sorry," said the nobody over the radio. "Kinda lost my head there."
The tub bounced especially high, and nSeeker drove under it.

"Stop, you fool, you’re gonna run me plum over."

nSeeker put his foot down on the brake, and the other tub bounced over and in front again. nSeeker’s tub screeched to a stop, still in a wheelie. The front of it dropped down on the edge of the nobody’s tub. nSeeker got out.

The nobody grabbed him, hugging hard.

"Thank god you’re alive, Slim. I was so worried. Don’t you ever take a chance like that again. Hey, you found my hat. Thanks." The nobody snatched it, put it on.

"What’s my name?" said nSeeker.

"What? You have a name? What’s a name? Say, let’s go on over there and get ourselves another drink. I’m starting to sober up."

They walked toward a saloon. It zipped away from them.

"Oh, damn, kid. I think we’re gonna need some horses to get there."

They were on horses, flying along. The saloon almost slammed into them. The nobody’s horse reared and the cowboy hat pitched backwards off of it, landing upside down on the ground with the boots in the air.

He jumped up and slapped nSeeker.

"Why didn’t you tell me that was gonna happen?"

"I didn’t know," nSeeker replied.

"Oh, well, uh…" The hat came down, the nobody turned it sheepishly in his hands. "Uh, sorry I hit you then. We still friends? Can we shake?"

nSeeker put his hand out, and the nobody shook it, zapping him with an extra strong hand buzzer. "Ha, ha. I love that joke. Let’s go in."

The nobody’s spurs made a jingling noise.

A tumbleweed rolled past.

One boot stepped on the wooden sidewalk.

Then the other.

"Something’s wrong."

The cowboy hat stopped and nSeeker felt the nobody’s arm across his chest.

"I think Black Bart’s in there." The cowboy hat turned to regard nSeeker. "He’s my sworn enemy. He may be the father of my little girl, too. And…he…smells just terrible."
The cowboy hat turned back to face the cowboy doors. "That’s the worst part. The smell.
Black Bart, you in there?"

A giant man with a beard the size of a small man pushed out of the door.

"Who wants to know?"

"Nobody wants to know."

Both revolvers appeared, emptied both barrels. The nobody reloaded, dropping bullets as he did. He emptied both barrels again into the body.

"He doesn’t smell bad to me," said nSeeker.

The nobody dropped down, smelled the fallen man. "By god, you’re right, this ain’t Black Bart at all." He pulled out a wallet and opened it. "His address is the same as my address when I was just a young’un. This is my Daddy."

The giant coughed up some blood. "That’s right, son, I been looking for you my whole life. I’m glad I found you…" he coughed again, flecks of blood splattering the nobody, who was crying
"…before I…"
His head fell back, eyes open. A long death rattle leaked out.

"Daddy…" Nobody stood, cowboy hat tilted back. He screamed at the sky. "It ain’t fair. It ain’t fair." The hat turned back to nSeeker. "C’mon, man, let’s get ourselves a drink." The boots stepped over the body.

"Bartender, give me two-"
nSeeker heard fingers drumming against the bar.

"I tell you what, hoss, let’s have ourselves a drinking contest. Barman, give me ten…"
ten shot glasses appeared, in two bunches of five
"…make it twelve…"
two more shot glasses appeared, making a couple of pyramids
"…tequi-vodkas."

They were full of gold liquid, which changed to clear liquid. "Wow, this place is even faster than the last one."
The nobody grabbed nSeeker’s lapels, pulled him close. "That’s totally cool."
Little flecks of spit hit nSeeker. The nobody let go.

"I don’t know if I want to drink," nSeeker said.

"Then don’t. See if I care." The hat turned away. nSeeker could see it reflected in a mirror, along with some people he could not see in the room.

"Are you a gatekeeper?"

Slap. "What did you call me?"

"I asked if you were a gatekeeper."

Slap. "Quit calling me that."

nSeeker did. He heard the sound of a boot tapping. The cowboy hat turned to him.

"C’mon, man, have a drink with me, please. My best friend just stole my favorite pickup truck I ever had, and took off with my wife. He ran my dog over, too. It was such a cute little poodle, pink fluffy stuff all over it. Tinkerbell was her name. Drink with me! Please.
I’ve had a lousy day. How long we been friends, slim? How can you treat me like this?"
"We aren’t friends," said nSeeker. "You don’t even know my name."

The cowboy hat turned to him.

"Sure I do. It’s Carl."

"That’s not my name."

The nobody slapped him. "Wanna bet?"

He slapped back.

"Hey, don’t do that. How dare you slap me?"

nSeeker slapped him again, and he slapped back.

"What’s the matter with you, man?"

He slapped again, and the nobody bit one of his fingers.

"Ow," nSeeker yelled.

"Serves you right, man. What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just go around slapping people."

nSeeker jumped on him, slapping again and again.

The nobody streamed continuous warnings against it.

"I don't reckon you oughta keepa doing that," and "Hey, Slim, I'm gonna pay you back for that, but good."

He slapped for half an hour, until the cowboy hat and boots fell and were empty.
nSeeker turned to the rainbow shimmer.