Mother Nature Can be a B@#$!

Q. I have an irrigation system that has been watering through the heat of the summer daily. Despite consistent water, the lawn is still suffering. What could have gone wrong?

A. As you read this column, I sincerely hope you are enjoying a nice 75 degree sunny day with a cool drink and a slight breeze blowing. As I write this column, it’s just hot. Not only is it hot, it’s humid. I really don’t think that Tarzan could have tolerated this kind of heat. Though many life forms enjoy conditions that will make algae sprout on a clean window pane, many others do not. Your lawn doesn’t. Come to think of it, neither do I. In fact, after I write this, I intend to call my father and ask him in a very undiplomatic fashion just why the @%$^# he moved us down here from Canada in the first place.

I read a book recently that explained that there are vents in the ocean floor. These vents spew out water that is full of caustic acid, and is over 800 degrees Fahrenheit. Scientists have found abundant forms of life thriving right next to these vents (they also found out that 800 degree acidic water really, really hurts). Granted, most of these are unicellular, rather boring little things that would be very loathe to fetch a stick. The point is that even though these microscopic slugs thrive under brutal conditions, your lawn won’t.

Okay, does this all seem a bit elementary? The point I’m making is that there is a tipping point beyond which your lawn simply cannot survive. This point tends to be in the low 90 degree weather plus high humidity. Anything higher is just too high. Keep in mind, this has absolutely nothing to do with watering. As an owner of a lawn care business, I spend a great deal of time answering the telephone to the sounds of an irate client claiming “my lawn is all brown, but I’m watering every day!” This can be as frustrating as asking a 14 year old about his career plans. Water won’t help at this point. Perhaps divine intervention would help, but I feel somewhat unqualified to offer that particular service.

Want proof? Okay, here’s a challenge for you. Take a quick jaunt to Florida, and bring me back a few blades of either Kentucky Bluegrass, Perennial Ryegrass, or Fine Fescue that you find growing in somebody’s front or back lawn. These are the three primary species of grass that are found in the Northeast. After you’ve scoured the state for a few years, you may be tempted to give up. That would be a very good thing to do, as you won’t find anything. These species cannot survive Florida heat and humidity. Then take your shoes off and walk around a typical front lawn. You should bring some Neosporin and Band-Aids to patch up your feet with afterwards. The southern grass species tend to be very rough and coarse, and are uniquely suited to life in an outdoor sauna.

SO, my advice for this month is… Accept nature’s limitations. We live in a great society that has trained us to believe that just about anything is possible, and we should expect a solution to every problem. Unfortunately, Mother Nature missed the memo and loves to throw un-hittable curveballs at us from time to time. Just take a breath, laugh it off, and get out there with a bucket of seed and a scratchy tool. Luckily, Mother Nature can’t keep up this hot flash forever, and your lawn will grow back if treated properly.

Got any questions? E-mail me at [e-mail] or [e-mail]. Maybe your question will be answered next time!

Christopher J Brown is owner and co-founder of Teed & Brown, Inc. Lawn Care for Distinctive Homes. You can visit him at www.TeedandBrown.com or contact him at [phone].