Vampyro: The New Assignment

(We pan in to a large council chamber. There are several seated figures, all wearing white robes, talking to a man in a green uniform. This is the Council of Them. They are meeting inside a giant space station).

Grand Moff - So gentlemen, we may as well begin by looking over the numbers for last quarter on Earth?

Robed Man 1 - (Standing and pointing at a graph. He swallows first) Well sir, there's no easy way to say this...successful human matchups are down 5% of the total population.

Grand Moff - That puts us at...

Robed Man 1 - 0% sir.

Grand Moff - (uncomfortable silence) Our target is 99% perfect matches!

Robed Man 1 - Well sir, we do foresee some progress. We project 100% growth by over an next year.

Grand Moff - You mean you plan to actually put together a male-female pairing that is successful?

Robed Man 1 - Yessir. Now, if I could direct your attention to our successes on Rigel 29...

Grand Moff - I'm sick of hearing about Rigel 29! Now what is to account for these problems?

Robed Man 1 - (raises his hands and clicks his fingers). There has been a change in the demeanor of earth since the last time we updated our agents over 1000 years ago.

(A cherub is brought in, riddled with machine gun bullets and covered in soiled toilet paper).

Robed Man 1 - This poor fellow was caught trying to shoot a woman with a love arrow. Unfortunately, he was discovered. They did this to him.

Grand Moff - Good lord...they defiled him with soiled toilet paper?

Robed Man 1 - Well no. That was actually our fault. Apparently he was routed to trash instead of the morgue. We had over one hundred thousand cherubs doing match-ups thirty years ago. Now, there are less than fifteen thousand. And most of the survivors have become...strange. They've simply refused to operate, or are actively creating relationships which will cause devastation.

Grand Moff - (Looks up) Katie Holmes?

Robed Man 1 - (Nods solemnly).

Grand Moff - (Shaking his head). This is dreadful. Gentlemen, do you have any suggestions?

Robed Woman - We can tweak gravity again. That worked out well for us the last time.

Grand Moff - That's all anyone ever wants to do around here! Take that option off the table!

Robed Man 2 - I'm afraid to say that the only real solution is to go back and redesign. We've had over 50,000 defects logged against female reasoning. I think the issue traces back to our choice of Estrogen as a basis. There's a wonderful chemical out in the Orion Belt called...

Grand Moff - I'm afraid there's no time or money for a redesign. Besides, we'd still be killed on legacy support.

Robed Man 3 - Perhaps, Grand Moff, there is another solution: our problem is that the cherubs are woefully underpowered for the new realities of dating, and thus people have been left more and more to their own devices.

Grand Moff - I always thought empowerment was good for people. That it leads to peace, happiness, and prosperity?

Robed Man 3 - All things diametrically opposed to love. Empowerment is fine when it comes to tax refunds or nuclear safety, but it leads to doom with relationships. People must have their significant others dictated to them by a central authority or they will choose poorly. What I propose is a redesign and redeployment of a new class of Cherub, one better suited to deal with the realities of dating in a world of misogyny and radical feminism.

Grand Moff - That will take years! We need something to get the numbers up immediately!

Robed Man 1 - Fortunately I foresaw your need sir. I know a man who could aid us. He is waiting outside. His name is Ned NaderMeyer.

Grand Moff - I know this name...send him in!

(The door opens and a stout tall man enters. He has a full beard and is wearing a white striped shirt with a pocket protector and glasses.)

Grand Moff - Ned? Is it really you?

Robed Man 1 - Ned Nadermeyer is the Director of the Necropion Vengeance Squad.

Grand Moff - I thought so! How the hell are you Ned?

(They shake hands cordially)

Ned - I'm doing well Moff. It's been a long time.

Grand Moff - It sure has! When we last met you were programming Thyzarks on the third cluster of Oberon.

Ned - And you were breathing down my neck for status reports when their trells wouldn't discharge sufficient carbon monoxide.

(Both men laugh. The other people look around uncertainly).

Grand Moff - I heard you left the corporation and went freelance. Well, it's good to see you, but I don't really see how you can help us out of this pickle?

Ned - Well, the way I figure it, your cherubs were beings set up for a different time. Their talents were in studying a man or woman, finding someone of the opposite sex that best suited them, firing an arrow and watching the love blossom.

Unfortunately, this is a different world, and where before firing the arrow was the easy part, now it's as hard as the rest of it. That's where we come in. My men ALWAYS hit their targets. Our record is perfect; over two billion kills in the fourth quarter alone last year.

Grand Moff - Well, I don't know...we want people to LIVE through the encounters. Are your boys really cut out for the matchmaking business?

Ned - My boys are smart guys! You have a couple of good matchmakers left. Send them out with my boys. While this is going on, you can go forward with your redesign of the cherubs.

Grand Moff - (sighing) Dammit Ned, I could never refuse you anything (they shake hands). When can you get started?

Ned - Right away.

Robed Man 2 - Sir...if I may? In all deference to Mister Nadermeyer's team, are we really certain that this is the way that we want to go? I mean, I think it would be prudent if we tested this out first.

Ned - I couldn't agree with you more. My men are willing to be trained in how they should operate. In the meantime I volunteer the services of my best operative...Vampyro.

(Everyone at the table shifts about uncomfortably)

Grand Moff - Um, Ned...when you said that the people were going to survive the encounters, I took that as you saying Vampyro wouldn't be involved in this.

Robed Man 3 - From what I hear about that vampire, the guy's a peerless psycho.

Ned - You're thinking of Kitten Soze, one of my other operatives. I can assure you that Vampyro is not psychotic.

Robed Woman 1 - I heard he once torched a frat party because there was a fat guy there who looked like Horatio Sans.

Ned - Not looked like; acted like.

Grand Moff - I think it is a fair point to be concerned about his performance. He went to that poor man's funeral and killed his grieving nieces and nephews.

Ned - Look, I'm not going to say that Vampyro isn't violent, or destructive, or even volatile. But he is perfect for the...Sodorowskii-Ballcruncher case.

(There is shock in the room)

Grand Moff - How do you know of that?

Ned - It has become common knowledge in the Shadowworld, for many of the agents you have sent on that assignment have wound up there. Yes, there is a risk that he will kill both targets. There is an outside chance he will annihilate all life on earth somehow. But he is your only chance for that mission. You need a killer.

Grand Moff - (Looks around uneasily) What choice do we have?



(Several days later, Ned is standing before a motley assembly of thugs, killers, and monsters in a scene resembling the Empire Strikes Back. In the spot where Boba Fett stood is Vampyro. Also there are the Merchant of Apples, Mr. Bear, Mr. Boar, The Wolf, Cerebrate, and Kitten Soze).

Cherub 1 - Bounty Hunters, we don't need this scum!
Cherub 2 - Yes sir.

Ned - Ok gentlemen. We have been given a very LARGE contract. In fact, it's the biggest one we've gotten to date. We are going to be filling in for the Cherubs on earth.

Merchant of Apples - What?! Matchmaking?!
Cerebrate - We are not eHarmony.com!

Ned - That's correct; even if we have one successful match-up, we'll be doing much better than eHarmony.com. Gentlemen, this is for a lot of money AND an old friend of mine. Please take this seriously. As an incentive, an additional one thousand quattlues will be awarded for every successful union.

Mr Bear - One thousand Quattlues?! That's a lotta honey!

Ned - Yes it is, Mr Bear. (turning and pointing a finger at Vampyro) But they must be alive. NO DISINTEGRATIONS!

Vampyro - Do you mean to tell me that I'M going to be drawn into this too?

Ned - Yes, Vampyro. In fact, the others are going off for Cherub training, but because you're my best operative, they're sending you out right away. They've got a job that they think is critical to reshaping the dating landscape.

Vampyro - This is a job for women and pack animals! My last assignment was killing a man who sniped planets!

Ned - I had a feeling you would resist, so I took the liberty of discussing the situation with the Grand Moff. If you complete this mission, they are prepared to offer you fifty thousand quattlues!

Vampyro - (We can hear gasps from everyone in the room. Vampyro narrows his eyes) My interest has been momentarily peeked.

Ned - Good. Vampyro, your assignment will be the following:

The brass of Them are convinced that there are two people whose union could cause a jumpstart to production. The two are the most perfectly matched couple that has existed in over one thousand years, and putting them together could result in over twenty thousand successful pairings.

Vampyro - Spare me the lofty goals, Ned. Where can I find these people?

Ned - Well, this is where it gets tricky; they are over one thousand miles apart. Computer, Activate the projector.

(The lights dim, and and a projector comes down from the ceiling and begins to run. We see a woman who looks very militant and is scowling).

Ned - This is Cruella Ballcruncher. She is the leader of the feminist organization NEW. She lives in San Francisco. Her venemous hatred of men is so potent that marines and policemen are brought to tears when within a city block of her. She once used a stun gun on a six year old boy.

Ned - On the next slide we see the man they picked out to match with her:

(A shot of a normal looking man with a shaved head in a labcoat. He is average build and height.)

Ned - This is Jason Sodorowskii. He's a college student at the University of Massachusetts, currently majoring in Physics. Gifted, some believe he will formulate a unified field theory. However he is a chronic masturbator and women revile him on sight.


Vampyro - This does not appear to be a good matching at all.

Ned - It's not our job to ask questions. All the planning's been done. What's up to us now is all the legwork.

Vampyro - (grimacing) Very well. I will embark upon this assignment.

Ned - There is of course one important condition; BOTH must not only fall in love with each other, they must be protected.

Vampyro - What do you mean?

Ned - (The projector moves forward. We see a lineup of crazed feminists). First, there are the Feminazis. Their pagan goddesses have informed them of the possibility of the union. The Feminists know that such a union would lose their most skilled leader, and so they are prepared to destroy Sodorowskii on sight.

(There is a projector click. We see a group of cherubs, draped in black with fire coming out of their heads and burning red eyes.)

Ned- Also there are the Former Cherubs. After years of frustration, they have decided to actively destroy all women on the planet. They are keeping Sodorowskii alive for reasons which we do not know, and have formed a protective ring around UMASS. Nothing comes in or out. If they perceive that they will lose Sodorowskii, they will kill him.

Vampyro - And the authorities don't object?

Ned - Sure they object. But the government can't kill kids. People would be outraged. Only Texan mothers and Doctors can do that.

Vampyro - Where do I begin?

Ned - Well, we must be discrete; if the cherubs are made aware that you are on the planet, they may panic and kill Sodorowskii. The destruction must be kept to a minimum.

Vampyro - A minimum?! On earth?! Have you ever smelled the stench of Indian Food, or been subjected to a Reality TV Show? The place cries out for a bodycount!

Ned - I am afraid you must show restraint. A failure of the mission will result in a forfeit of the purse.

(Projector click)

Ned - We are going to land you at a safe house; the home of one of our operatives; Jim Van Beek.

(Shows a picture of him. He is a young, fairly good looking guy wearing glasses)

Vampyro - Looks like a pathetic loser. I am torn between lunging at the projector and exuding vomitus from my pores.

Ned - Yes...he identifies himself as a sensitive man. He frequently punishes himself for being a white male. He read a book on Marxism and decided that he's an 'intelligent socialist'.

Vampyro - And how did such a weak thing become an agent of ours?

Ned - He pledged his soul to an old girlfriend. She sold it for cash to some Thetans, who unloaded it to me for Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Even though that more than payed for itself, I figured I'd put him to use here.

Vampyro - While it is good that we were able to unload Vinnie Bobarino and Maverick, what possible use can he have?

Ned - Well...both men and women hold him in contempt and ignore him. This is a trait which you must emulate for the successful completion of our mission.

Vampyro- (narrows his eyes) Anything else I should know?

Ned - (sighing) I was asked to make sure you didn't take your flamethrower with you on this mission.

(Vampyro begins to recoil with a look of pure rage).

Ned - But I've decided that's not a battle I can win. I would ask that you not use it however.

Vampyro - Your request has been noted.


(On Earth, in Jim Van Beek's apartment. Jim is hanging out with his brunette platonic girlfriend.)

Jim Van Beek - So yeah, if you put Nightmare on Elm Street in slow-motion, you can see where Wes Craven totally screwed up on frame 33128..

BPG - Jim, be realistic for a second!

Jim Van Beek - Um...what are you talking about?

BPG - I'm just so worried that I'm going to get hurt...and you can never see that.

(She gets up and leaves in a huff).

Jim Van Beek - -sigh- Oh well, she's right. I'm not very sensitive to her needs.

(There is a sound of a thousands of children dying, and a fiery portal opens. Jim covers his face and begins screaming).

Vampyro - (cringing) I think I hear 'Survivor' on somewhere...

Jim Van Beek - Who are you?!

Vampyro - (with his mind, lifts Jim off the ground and brings him to his clawed hand). You...you must be Jim Van Beek. I was told that you would provide me with lodging and a method to mask my presence.

Jim Van Beek - What?! What are you talking about?

Vampyro - Do not play ignorant, simpleton! Your soul belongs to Ned Nadermeyer, and he has ordered you to provide me with lodging. Now I desire the blood of a young girl, but make sure she's legal!

Jim Van Beek - Ned...but that's all over with. I did his dirty work for him. He said we were even!

Vampyro - (tosses him to the ground) You dare to question me?

Jim Van Beek - (grasping at his throat in fear) It was our pact! He gave me back my soul.

(Jim runs over to a drawer and pulls out a piece of paper. Vampyro reads it.)

Vampyro - Well, this all seems very official. So, you are your own man after all.

Jim - (sighs in relief).

(beat)

Vampyro - Now, where shall I be sleeping? I would prefer the side of the house farthest away from India.

Jim - What?

Vampyro - It's a long story, but the further away I am from there, the better.

Jim - No...I mean, if Ned doesn't own my soul, he can't force me to work for him.

Vampyro - True...but I can beat you up. And I will very soon unless I get something warm with blood in it.

(There is another loud sound and a thousand dying children. CEREBRATE appears)

Vampyro - Cerebrate! What are you doing here?

Cerebrate - Ned decided to send me with you, master. Apparently the urgency of our mission has increased.

Vampyro - Very well.

Jim - Cerebrate!

Cerebrate - Oh, Hi Jim.

Vampyro - You know this bed-wetter?

Cerebrate - Only slightly. I was involved in the assignment which net him his soul back.

Jim - Yes, please tell this guy to leave me alone!

Cerebrate - (frowns) Um, no. How about you order us a pizza?

Vampyro - I want the blood of a young girl!

Cerebrate - Sorry master, that would violate our orders to keep a low profile. How many people have you killed so far?

Vampryo - Zero.

Cerebrate - This is good news. Jim, do you know this Sodoroskii?

Jim - Who?

Vampyro - (upturns coffee table) DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HOLD INFORMATION FROM US, SWINE!

Jim - NO, NO! I have no idea who that is!

Cerebrate - He is most probably correct, Master. He has no reason to lie.

Vampyro - How shall we find him, then?

Jim - I-is he a student here?

Vampyro - A student at UMASS Amherst, yes.

Jim - I can look him up in the student directory.

Vampyro - This is only coming out NOW?!

Jim - I--Cerebrate, please?

Cerebrate - Don't look at me, Jim. Just log on and look him up. We need to speak with him immediately.

Jim - (Goes to his PC and nervously types in the information) Well...I have his phone number here.

Vampyro - Let me see. Very well, bring me your telephone.

Jim - It's, um, on the wall behind you.

Vampyro - (turns around) That will suffice. (Dials in the number.) It's ringing.
(Looks at TV)
Vampyro - What is that anyway?

Jim - Nightmare on Elm Street, the first one.

Vampyro - (cringes) Not a big fan.

Jim - Why's that?

Vampyro - Not a horror movie guy. Movies should be fun and uplifting.

Jim - Well, I find these movies to be pretty funny.

Vampyro - Sure, sure, but they are still too twisted and gory. I fi--Yes, hello? Is this Jason Sodoroskii? It is? Hello! This is an old friend of yours, er, um, er...Frederick! Frederick from, um, an elementary school you went to named after a US president or historical figure? Yes! Hi! It's good to hear from you as well. Say, we should have some drinks sometime! Are you free tonight? You---you have a date? (Cerebrate looks alarmed). What's her name? Er-um, true that isn't any of my business per se. Well, perhaps we can get together tomorrow night? Okay great. Talk to you then, Jason old buddy. Bye.
(hangs up the phone solemnly)

Vampyro - He's got a date.

Cerebrate -...With Cruella by any chance?

Vampyro - OF COURSE NOT WITH CRUELLA!

Cerebrate - Well this is a good solid kick to the nutsack.

Jim - Excuse me, but what is going on?

Vampyro - Cerebrate, take him in the other room and hit him.

Jim - What?!

Cerebrate - You misunderstand. Where we are from, the quickest way to exposit information well known to everyone else in the room is through violence.

Jim - Oh, ok...

(They get up, there is a loud smack) Cerebrate walks back through the door, followed a few seconds later by a dazed Jim Van Beek.

Jim - I don't feel like I know anything.

Vampyro - Really? Perhaps the procedure didn't work. Maybe Cerebrate should do it again...

Jim - No! No! I know it all! You need to get Cruella and Jason together to get a purse of cash!

Vampyro - (Narrows eyes) Better safe than sorry. (twitches his neck to Cerebrate)

(Cerebrate drags Jim into the other room, sobbing. Slap. Cerebrate comes back through, clutching his hand).

Cerebrate - Man, that stings.

Vampyro - Where's Jim?

Cerebrate - He's not getting up for a while. We may want to put a pillow under his head so the fluid stops leaking out of his ears.

Vampyro - (Nods) See to it.


(Meanwhile, thousands of Cherubs float around UMASS, screaming like TIE fighters. In their center is a skeletal figure with burning red eyes.)

Cherub - (thick accent) --This Sodorowskii is an Infidel, and we want him DEAD! (Others scream in agreement).

Appius Silanus - (growls, sending the cherubs flying back in fear.) I will not have my dictates questioned. Sodorowskii shall die, but in the manner I prescribe, and to suit my ends. But if he should die before that, I will see all your brainstems impaled on coathangers!

Cherub - I...understand your words, great one. But the corporation are going to send people to get him. By Venus, we should eliminate him before their plan comes to fruition.

Applius Silanus - Their plan shall come to nothing. When Sodorowskii tastes the power of Lichdom, he shall never agree to marry the amazon on the other side of the continent. He shall bring us closer to developing the Philosopher's Stone. And once we have the stone, we shall remember those that aided us in creating it. We have our agent with him now. By the end of the night, he shall be a Lich. In time, with his aid, the Stone will be ours.

Cherub - And every woman on earth will DIE!
(All the cherubs do that tongue-clicking thing).


(Back in Jim's house)
Cerebrate - He's coming to.
Jim - (Moans. Sees Cerebrate and Vampyro and screams).
Vampyro - Good, he has learned. Now Jim, where would we be able to find Jason tonight?
Jim - Probably at the Poundyard.
Vampyro - A gay bar?
Jim - No, no...it's a sports bar. Most everyone goes there.
Vampyro - Very well. You have some means of conveyance relying on an internal combustion engine?
Jim - Yes.
Vampyro - Then we must go to it.
(They run to the garage, where Jim points at a Tractor).
Jim - There it is. Not sure how it will help us though.
Vampyro - I, um, meant a car.
Jim - Why didn't you just ask if I had a car?
Vampyro - (Looks ashamed for a moment) I dislike the word car.
Jim - (sighs) Fair enough.
Cerebrate - Shotgun.
Vampyro - Dammit.

(As they are driving, Buck Cherry comes on.)
Cerebrate - (Groans) I hate this band.
Jim - What do you mean, I like this song.
Cerebrate - I'm not surprised.
Jim - I saw these guys in concert, they rocked.
Cerebrate - Well, this isn't a concert. It is a car, and over the radio they suck. And you know something else?
Jim - What?
Cerebrate - I wouldn't see them live, because they suck over the radio.
Jim - That's not fair. Their concert had a lot of energy. I saw them two weeks ago.
Vampyro - Was this at the Tweeter Center?
Jim - Why yes!
Vampyro - Their music is unoriginal and has been tread far better by more proficient people. Their live performance consists of their front man engaging in a masturbatory fantasy of believinng he is a hardcore rocker. His over-the-top pronouncements prove immediately that he is a poseur who has reached the pinnacle of what an eighth grader considers cool.
(Long beat)
Jim - I like Crazy Bitch is all.

(At the bar. Jim, Vampyro and Cerebrate enter. People look up at them).
Cerebrate - We seem to be drawing a lot of attention to ourselves.
Jim - I told you that you should have left your flame thrower in the car.
Vampyro - You do understand that there is gasoline in your car, right?
Jim - Well you could turn your flamethrower OFF.

(Vampyro looks around the bar).
Vampyro - (clears throat) The yankees suck?

(Everyone solemnly applauds, and then goes back to their drinks).

Vampyro - Ok. Let's get a table.
Cerebrate - I'd rather a booth.
Vampyro - There aren't any open booths.
Cerebrate - Yes there is, there's one over there.
Vampyro - There's dirty plates at it.
Cerebrate - So? They'll pick them up.
Vampyro - Look, there's an open table RIGHT THERE. Why don't we take that one?
Cerebrate - I don't like the high chairs.
Vampyro - Which one of us is the master, and which one is the dog?
Cerebrate - (sigh) You are, master.
Vampyro - Good. We are sitting at the table.

(They sit down. A waitress comes over)

Waitress - What can I get for you?
Vampyro - I'll have a Sam Adams.
Waitress - For you sir?
Cerebrate - Beam and Coke, please.
Jim - I'll have a Smirnoff Ice, Triple Black
(Cerebrate and Vampyro look at each other for a moment, then start laughing. Cerebrate pounds the table).
Jim - What?
Vampyro - Careful, that'll go right to your thighs!
(Both start laughing loudly)
Jim - Low profile?
Vampyro - (nods) Good point Jim. Alright, do we see Sodorowskii anywhere?
Jim - (squints) I see him. He's sitting at that table over there.
(Jason is sitting with a skinny man with long hair and pale skin [GV].)
Vampyro - Ok, so where is his date?.
(GV leans over and kisses Jason on the cheek. All three have their mouths agape.)
Cerebrate - Oh...my...God.
Jim - Well, so much for the purse guys.
Vampyro - (Pulls out a cell phone) I'm calling Ned. (ringing). Hey Ned, it's Vamp. We have a bit of a problem here. Well...Jason went on a date. Yes, that is a problem. Know what else? He's dating a man. Yes, that is a bigger problem. Anyways, wha--I'm sorry? Oh, that sucks. Oh I'm sorry to hear that Ned. Look, you can't beat yourself up about this. You're too nice a guy, she's taking advantage of you. I know you love her, but how much more can you take?
(Cerebrate points at his watch)
Vampyro - Anyways sir, I need to get going. Yeah...alright. Ok, I'll do my best. You go take a nice bath, you'll feel better. Ok. See ya(Hangs up).
Cerebrate - What was that about?
Vampyro - Fio left him again.
Cerebrate - Aww...how's he holding up?
Vampyro - Probably not a good idea for him to be alone right now.
Cerebrate - Maybe I should give him a call.
Vampyro - Yes, you should.
(Cerebrate takes out his cell phone and starts talking)
Jim - So what did he say?
Vampyro - (sighs) She claims he isn't active enough for her...
Jim - No, no, I mean about Jason?
Vampyro - Oh, yes, that. Well, he said Cruella is his intended target, and that's on Them's orders. So, we better break this thing up.
Jim - I dunno if this is right. I mean, clearly he's made a life-choice...
Vampyro - He's not the only one who's made life-choices. I made a life-choice to come here, and I'm not going to let an idle college experiment ruin my chance to get a purse of quattlues.
Jim - So how do you plan to break this up?
Vampyro - Well... (produces a molotov cocktail)
Jim - (Eyes widen) NO!
Vampyro - What?
Jim - That is NOT a solution!
Vampyro - Don't be so squemish. In the confusion I grab Jason.
Jim - And in the process kill everyone in here?
Vampyro - (Blinks a few times, his expression unchanging)
Jim - That pretty much ruins your low profile.
Vampyro - They'll never prove who did it. I'll be careful not to be seen.
Jim - You don't think that will raise a few eyebrows? Your purse could be forfeitted.
Vampyro - (sigh) Fine. I'll go over and talk to him.
(Vampyro walks over to the table as Jason and the boy are about to kiss)
Vampyro - Hi, mind if I sit down?
Jason - Ack, er, I'm a little busy here.
Vampyro - (blinks twice) Hi, I'm a man with a flamethrower holding a firebomb. (through clenched teeth) Mind if I sit down?
Jason - (sighs) Okay.
Vampyro - Thank you. What are you drinking?
Jason - Smirnoff Triple Black
GV - The same.
Vampyro - (Smirks back at Jim, who rolls his eyes.) (to a waitress) Set them up and put it on my friend's tab. Bring me a Gin and Tonic. So, what brings you two kids out tonight?
Jason - We're on a date.
Vampyro - I see. Are you sure this is really the path you want to go down?
Jason - (frowns) What are you talking about? Are you trying to hit on me?
Vampyro - (bristles) You...flatter yourself! Don't draw ME into your bizarre fantasies!
Jason - Look, me and Cindy here are trying to have a good time. I'd appreciate if you'd leave.
Vampyro - (Looks at GV) Cindy?? (Eyes widen, he smirks, nodding) Cindy...
(GV starts to dart his eyes about uncomfortably)
Jason - Are you hitting on her?
Vampyro - (sighs, puts his arm around Jason) My friend, how long has it been...since you've seen a woman?
Jason - (shrugs) I'm looking at one right now!
Vampyro - You are looking at Cindy.
Jason - Yes.
Vampyro - Cindy...is not a woman.
Jason - (laughs) Well, then what is she?
Vampyro - A he.
Jason - How much have you been drinking?
Vampyro - Do you know that as a man becomes more isolated, his standards drop?
Jason - I don't understand what you are saying.
GV - He's just a crazy person Jason. (eyes start to swirl) You see that I'm a woman, don't you?
Vampyro - (Snarls, revealing his fangs) So, the truth is revealed! You're a vampire, and not just a vampire, one of those snotty goth vampires! (Raises his hand menacingly)
GV - (recoils in terror) It's one of those savage old-school vampires!
Appius Silanus - (Wearing a trenchcoat) Stay your hand, Vampyro.
Vampyro - So, the masks fall. Appius Silanus. And tell me, Silanus, what interest would you have in a gifted Physics Student?
Jason - Who the hell are you?
Vampyro - (moves to strike him)
Appius - Ah, allow me. (smacks Jason on the head)
Jason - Ow! (Pauses) Eww, I kissed a dude!
Vampyro - It's good that we've gotten the important stuff out of the way.
Silanus - I decided long ago not to answer your questions, Vampyro, after you decided not to answer mine. You miserable lying bastard.
Vampyro - For the last damn time, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
Silanus - Well, neither do I then. I don't know why I'm here.
Vampyro - You wretched spiteful cunt. You're doing this JUST to fuck with me!
Silanus - Hey, there are ladies present.
Vampyro - You mean the Goth vampire who was seducing Sodorowskii? What was the plan there, Silanus, to come charging in to the rescue, and then offer him lichdom?
Silanus - You just like to fuck with my plans, don't you? Can't let me get the philosopher's stone no matter what, can you?
Vampyro - I...do...not...CARE about the philosopher's stone!
Silanus - Then tell me your secret!
Vampyro - I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU FUCKING DUMB DAIGO! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING!
(composes himself solemnly and sits back down as the bar watches him)
Silanus - If you are done making a spectacle of yourself, perhaps you can leave.
Vampyro – Leave? My flesh bereft friend, I intend to complete my mission, which is to escort Jason to Cruella.
Silanus – Well, I desire him to become a lich.
Vampyro – Then it appears we must throw down.
Silanus – Now, now. There’s no need to resort to uncivilized behavior.
Vampyro – What do you propose?
Silanus – We put our proposals to Jason, and let him decide.
Vampyro – (Nodding) Very well, that seems the most just way to settle this.
Silanus – (Turning to Jason) Jason, you have seen something tonight. A freak goth male vampire was able to seduce you because your hormones are devouring your brain. You have a gifted mind, but you suffer the curse of being encased in weak flesh. Burn away that flesh and awaken your mind. Join with us, and the secrets of the universe shall be revealed to you. You shall be imbued with powers greater than whole worlds. You shall have eternal life.
Jason – Wow, that sounds pretty good.
Vampyro – Hold Jason. His words do sound good, and perhaps what I offer is not as salient at first thought. But judge not solely by your mind, but by your heart. I offer you the chance to meet with the woman who is destined to be yours. When you are awake at night, heartsick and alone, wishing for someone, she is the perfect fulfillment of that wish.

(Looks off into space) For there is one who has alluded me for thousands of years. Torturing me at every turn with her beauty and her subtle charms, then leaving before I can reach her. I would gladly trade all the money in the universe for the chance to hold her just once.

The joy of marriage, Jason. And children. But most importantly, I offer the love of a woman, the greatest thing in the universe.
Jason- (beat).
Jason – I’ll go with the Lich thing.
Vampyro – Son of a bitch.
(Throws the Molotov cocktail onto the GV, who screams and runs around on fire. As the flames explode around them, Vampyro grabs Jason and runs for the exit, being followed by Jim and Cerebrate.)


...More to come. Love or hate, lemme know!