The Fallen Angel who was Nothing

          Sunlight streamed in through an open window, little golden bullets striking everything in their path. Crossing the bedroom, slowly and silently but surely, they reached toward where she was fast asleep. The sun shone on her face and she woke up, stretched, yawned, opened her emerald green eyes and looked out the window. A tiny sparrow was sitting on her flower box, singing sweet melodies to bless her morning with music. She was Nothing.

          She walked downstairs, towards the kitchen, which was also being drowned in sunlight. An older woman stood there, gray hair soft and curly, warm brown eyes bright and sparkling, hands nimble and gentle. “Good morning,” she said as she placed food on the wooden table in the middle of the room for the younger girl. The younger girl sat down quietly and ate. “What does today hold in store for you?” the older woman asked as she sat down across from the young girl. Such a sweet young girl she was, vast emerald green eyes, golden sunlit hair, pale soft skin, small sweet lips, and a smile that could break a heart.

          “My garden,” the young girl responded simply. The woman smiled, but it was a sad smile that made her pearl teeth look like shining teardrops. The young girl stood up and walked toward the back door without another word to the older woman, who watched her walk away with sad eyes. The young girl walked past an older man with the same gray hair and warm brown eyes as the woman, sitting on the back porch. He sat quietly, carefully oiling his prize shotgun. “Good morning,” the young girl said softly. Her green eyes sparkled in the morning sunlight, little drops of dew in her eyes.

          “Nothing,” he said gruffly, not even taking his eyes off this task to look up at the young girl. She continued walking towards the cool quiet haven that was her garden. Upon reaching the door she stepped outside gently, not harming a single blade of grass. She sat before her garden and quietly listened. She listened to the birds, bits of hope against the endless sky of doubt. She listened to the flowers, beauty in a world of ugly emotions, hatred and violence choking everyone like merciless brown weeds. She listened to her own beating heart, broken maybe but strong and healed and lovely and hers. She gently pulled weeds, planted a few more flowers, and smiled. Her blonde hair hung in her face as she relaxed under her weeping willow tree. The sun was still moving in the sky when the older woman came out of the house, carrying food for the young girl.

          “Nothing,” she said, giving her the food. The young girl took the food and ate while the older woman went slowly back inside. Nothing, that was her name. She was called Nothing because she had been abandoned as an infant, quietly waiting on the steps of an abandoned church for someone to find her and save her soul. The older couple had found her, took her in as their own, and raised her. She refused to answer to anything but her birth name, and since no one knew what that was, she called herself Nothing. She was Nothing, in a way. She didn’t have a past, she barely had a present, did she deserve a future? She didn’t know, and most of the time she didn’t care. She was as real as her garden, beautiful but not lasting long. Something to look at but surely not to touch. She didn’t like to be touched. It frightened her, gave her a strange feeling in her stomach, butterflies going wild in her gut, she avoided it whenever she could. The couple, her ‘parents’ had learned this, they didn’t try to touch her anymore and she was glad. She would rather be alone anyway, being alone was so much better surrounded by her flowers and her dragonflies and herself. She thought to herself and talked her flowers into blooming, her fruit sweetening with her urging. In her garden she was Queen, a kind gentle ruler with a sweet smile and sad emerald eyes.

          She could tell what needed work and what flowers were fine for the moment with just a glance. She could dance across the grass and not harm one blade of grass, never tiring or slowing. She could allow a bumble bee to land on her pale flesh and not worry about being stung. She was a flower, a gem, a lost treasure never found in the darkness where it sat surrounded by traps and lies. She was Queen, she wove a tiara out of roses and smiled at the doves that sat in her palms and lay down and cried for some reason she didn’t know yet. It was a happy cry, a sad cry, the confused cry someone cries when they don’t know what they’re crying for. Her laugher at night was magical, but it was the kind of laughter that sounded like sobbing. She was moonlight, darting and peeking and never stopping because she didn’t want to, a crystal white flower reaching for the sun in the middle of weeds.

          She sat in her garden with her slender back rested against her weeping willow and smiled with her eyes closed as she dreamed. Her dreams were crystal daisies, pink butterflies, warm kisses, love. She didn’t know what love was, exactly, but she was sure it existed. Love was the humming forgotten faerie that sat on her shoulder and sang little songs about lost faith and shooting stars. She was kept very sheltered by her ‘parents,’ she did not go to school but instead she was home-schooled, she didn’t go to dances or the mall or anywhere outside her home. She didn’t have any friends other than the whimpering broken-hearted dog that careful crawled on to her lap and slept, the little twittering sparrow that sat on her shoulder and sang, the pretty butterfly that landed gracefully on her fingertips. She didn’t know any boys, other than her ‘father.’ To her the whole world was her garden, there was nothing else that existed. She didn’t know about everything else that was, she only knew her ‘parents’ and her flowers and the high stone wall that surrounded her. Never had she ever dreamed she would find anything of interesting behind those silver-stained walls.

          He came one day like a dream comes in the night, expected in the strangest way but a complete surprise at the same time. He moved in the house next door, the one she didn’t even know was there until she saw something moving in the shadows near the edge of her garden. She had been weeding the flowerbeds before but now she froze, still as a deer in headlights, and watched as something continued to move. A face appeared, a handsome face the color of her garden’s soil, light brown tan, wide wondering hazel eyes, soft pink lips pushed into an unsure smile, tawny curly brown hair in his face meeting his perfect eyebrows, straight nose, a boy looking at her. She caught her breath in her throat, he was looking straight into her eyes, she had never been so afraid or so amazed in her life. He just stood staring at her, she sat staring at him, neither of them moved or even breathed. Finally he slowly lowered himself down until he was sitting on his knees in a peaceful position. She finally took a breath and relaxed a little. He was still watching her. She stood up a little, more of a crouch, and carefully walked over to where he was. He didn’t breathe as he watched her move closer and closer. She sat down in front of him and didn’t move at all. The boy slowly smiled a little and Nothing couldn’t help but gasp a little in return.

          He spoke to her, whispering because he was afraid of frightening this graceful deer away. A thousand questions exploded in her mind, she worked to unscramble them. He smiled sweetly at her and she found herself smiling back. His words were gifts wrapped in forget-me-not blue. She found herself never wanting to forget him, ever, this strange boy in her garden who was from another world entirely. She asked him some of her questions and he answered them gently, carefully watching her reactions. She discovered a hidden wooden gate behind the rose bushes in his garden on the other side. She discovered another world entirely, a world that had been hidden from her for so long. She was surprised, she admitted to herself as she stared into his eyes. He offered to leave if she wanted him to, standing up and turning to leave, after all this was her garden and he was a stranger in this world of flowers so fragrant one might become drunk on their delicious aromas.

          She begged him not to leave her, her eyes wide but thankful as the boy smiled a little and sat back down. He promised to stay as long as she wanted him to, and she was glad. He told her that he was just beyond the gate, should she ever need him, and she promised to remember. She asked about his world beyond her garden, but instead of telling her the boy rose and gently took her hand in his. He led her over to the stone walls where a wooden gate was peeking from behind the hedges. She moved closer and examined it. Why hadn’t she noticed it before? She asked about his garden behind the gate, and he asked if she would like to see it. She nodded as he opened the door.

          His garden mirrored hers, alive and lovely and pink and purple and breathtaking. He stepped through the gate, but she didn’t follow. She backed away instead, suddenly so afraid she couldn’t breathe. He paused to look back at her, seeing her in such pain frightened him. He looked at her with concern in his beautiful eyes, but she shook her head and, with one swift movement, ran away. The green of her garden swooshed past her like angry hornets, she ran until she collapsed on to her bed inside her house. She was safe again, nothing could hurt her, she was alone and safe but why was she trembling? Her ‘parents’ weren’t home again, they had disappeared like they did once in a while, she hadn’t given it a second thought until today. What else was beyond her garden? What world had she been kept from seeing all her life? The windows in her house were boarded up, she hadn’t thought about that until now. What was out there? She slowly went downstairs and sat in the kitchen. Did she want to go outside again? What if the boy was still there waiting for her? She longed to see him again, but she was too afraid to go outside where she thought she knew everything and truly she didn’t at all. Finally she stood up and walked to the back door. She could see the boy’s shoe from behind the hedges. She took a breath and walked outside to him. He watched her with guarded eyes, protected eyes. The gate was closed. She looked at him and shook her head sadly.

          She apologized to him again and again. She was embarrassed to realize that tears were welling up in her eyes, streaming down her cheeks. She had never even known that anything was beyond her little garden, and she was afraid. The truth that there was another world entirely was overwhelming her, crushing her into the nothing she was named after. She whimpered and fell to her knees, drowning in her own tears. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she was terrified of this boy who seemed so harmless but came from a world she didn’t know. The boy lifted her up to her feet and looked into her eyes. He tried to comfort her, telling her that he would never hurt her. She looked at him and believed him, the truth echoing in his shining eyes. She buried her lovely face in his chest, she was surprised by her sudden show of affection toward him. The boy stroked her hair gently and hummed to her. She clung to him and he held her, they didn’t move at all. She felt his heart beating, a soothing rhythm that she listened to silently. Finally he held her at arm’s length and asked her if she was alright. She lifted her eyes shyly and nodded as she rested her head against his shoulder. She apologized still, desperate for this boy to forgive her. He continued to stroke her hair gently and sighed. He understood, and he forgave.

          They felt like they had known each other all their lives, even though they had just met. It was a deep feeling, a feeling that scared them and comforted them. He knew she was something special to him, and she felt exactly the same. She thought about all the nights she had cried herself to sleep, so confused about her own emotions. She knew he was the one she had been weeping for, the one who was missing and finally found. The feeling of knowing someone all your life, a lost friend found at long last. They just looked at each other and were at peace. She needed him, and she knew he needed her in the same way. When he spoke she noted a hint of regret in his voice. He didn’t want to leave her, and she didn’t want him to leave. They didn’t speak it, but they both knew when they looked into each other’s eyes. She suddenly wondered if this was love. Her thoughts raced by a thousand times a minute. Was the thing she was yearning for all along love? Did she even know what love was? What is love anyway? Was love wanting to be near someone for the rest of your life? Was love knowing someone more than you know yourself? She didn’t know, but if this was love it was the most wonderful feeling in the whole world.

          Finally they both knew that the boy should be leaving. She asked if she would see him again, and he promised to come back the following night at twilight. She would be waiting for him she knew already. He stepped back, meaning to walk away, but he just stood there. His eyes looked so sorrowful. He didn’t want to leave her, she understood. She felt the same way. She swore to him that she would see him again, and he nodded and, with one movement, was gone.
          Nothing walked back inside, nothing adding up. She was never one to be emotional, she never felt that she was missing anything until she found it. Was he the one she was looking for? Was he was one she cried for at night, afraid to let go of something she wasn’t even holding yet? She didn’t know, but she was very impatient waiting to see him again. Her ‘parents’ grew worried about her as they listened to her tossing and turning in the middle of the night, when she pleaded not hungry at meals. They asked her, but she just narrowed her eyes and didn’t say a word. She was determined that this was something they would not take away from her, so she didn’t tell them about the strange boy in her garden. With each passing hour she grew more and more resentful of them, these people who thought they were doing what was best for her by taking away the half of her she didn’t even know she had.

          The following night she laid down in her bed until she was sure her ‘parents’ were asleep, and then crept to the gate in the garden. The boy was waiting there for her with the gate open. She sighed with relief and invited him into her garden, grateful for his presence. He sat down quietly and she sat down across from him. He whispered a greeting and smiled. He looked so lovely under the nighttime sky. Her cheeks glowed with excitement from seeing him again. She had missed him, and he had missed her. He admitted that he was afraid that she was a wonderful dream and not real. She assured him that she was real, although if he wasn’t real she didn’t want to be either. They talked about their day, how they were feeling. She felt a great relief seeing him again, a giant weight taken off her shoulders. It felt like it had been forever since she had last seen him, even though it had only been a single night. He confessed he had been waiting to see her all day, he couldn’t think of anything else. His eyes looked so pained Nothing leaned over and touched his cheek. He smiled and closed his eyes. In those few short hours they had become the world to each other. No price would be too great to be together always. Sleep seemed so pointless when reality was better than any dream. They just stared into each other’s eyes for a while, simply enjoying each other’s company. Nothing felt so at home, she felt so loved she thought she would burst. Her heart was content, she was blissful just looking at him. He was everything to her, this stranger in her garden with soul filled eyes and a knowing smile as he gently took her hand in his. He was her other half, one that just knew her like no one else ever would.

          They talked almost all night, but when the dawn’s pink streaked the sky overhead, they knew they should be leaving. The boy quickly, gently and shyly but surely, kissed the cheek of Nothing and hurried away. Nothing blushed and rushed back inside, slipping into her bed as the sun rose. Somehow, as her ‘father’ woke her up, she wasn’t tired at all. Instead, she felt as light as a daisy in gentle sunlight. She danced around the house happily, completely ignoring the stares of her ‘parents.’ Her days after that followed a more interesting pattern, sleeping by day in her garden and sneaking out at twilight to see her boy. Her ‘parents’ were very concerned about her sleeping habits, she was eating the same amount but it seemed like she was sleeping so much more. After all through their eyes she was sleeping all night and most of the day. When they asked her about it, she shook her head stubbornly and scowled, something she had never done before. She argued more, frowned more, bit her lip in protest when they asked her to stay inside more. She pouted and pleaded, she didn’t want to stay inside. She ran up to her room and lay down on her bed and slept. She might as well be rested for the night while she was trapped inside this sheltered prison. As soon as she opened her eyes she knew it was time to meet her boy. It had been weeks since she had met him, she had learned even more about him. She was even more in love with him. He was everything to her now, he just had to look at her fondly to make her knees weak, her spine shiver, her stomach fill with fluttering golden butterflies. In his eyes was where she wanted to be, she didn’t even breathe sometimes, she was that enchanted by him. He was too good to her sometimes, and sometimes she was too good to him. They were so in love it was almost unreal sometimes, so frightening and encouraging that it was a dream and nightmare at the same time. She needed to take a deep breath, step back and really think about it, it was a possibility that she was rushing something that was too good for her? Was she getting too attached to him, her crystal nightingale miracle in sparkling silver light? Somehow, her worries were always lost in his sweet cinnamon eyes. She was completely content to smile at him and hold his hand gently and whisper in his ear, tickling him with her musical voice. He loved her voice, just something about the way she breathed his name in his ear sent shivers down his spine. He loved her eyes too, just something about the way her soul shined in them fascinated him. The more he thought about it, she fascinated him as a whole. She told him it was the same for her, and he was pleased.

          They were sitting together, one starry night, when he leaned over and kissed her gently. She was very surprised, but extremely pleased as she kissed him back. They exchanged vows of everlasting love by the moonlight in whispers, they danced around in blissful circles, they kissed and held each other close because they never wanted to let go. They were completely and utterly in love, they could look into each other’s eyes and see that as plain as the daylight that separated them. She never wanted to be without him, she honestly thought that she would die without him. He felt exactly the same, he admitted, as she wrapped her arms around him and gently kissed his cheek. She was wrapped up in him, sometimes literally, so warm and happy she could have slept. She never did though, she didn’t want to wake up and find him gone. That was her greatest fear, losing him was the kind of fear that made her wake up with a scream in her throat, her eyes wide with panic, her breath coming in as gasps for air. The fear of losing him gave her a sick feeling in her stomach, she didn’t even want to think about it. He promised to be with her always, and she promised the same. Their vows of everlasting love were real to them, both of them completely meant what they said. When they were together, it was their own special heaven.

          Until one night, her boy didn’t show up. The fears dancing around in the head of Nothing exploded into a thousand racing hornets inside of her. Tears rolled down her cheeks before she knew it, she told herself to relax. Maybe he was just late, or he had fallen asleep. After a while she knew he wasn’t coming. She walked slowly upstairs and sobbed. She was afraid she was becoming nothing to him, the nothing she was named after.

          The following day she sat in her garden, blankly looking at her flowers. Some of them brushed against her gently, trying to comfort her. They were watered with her crystal tears in return. She walked over to the door, so sure that her boy hadn’t been real at all. She spotted a piece of pure white paper fluttering there. She snatched it and read it. It was a note from her boy, her heart realized with a tremble, telling her that he wouldn’t be able to come for a while. He had become very ill, so he was being rushed to the hospital. The note was a couple days old, obviously he had hurriedly tacked it there before he became too ill to move. Her heart stopped beating for a few moments then. Her boy was ill, he was sick, what if he was dying? She cried out in pain then, he couldn’t die, he was hers in the same way she was his. She needed him. She needed him.

          She walked back inside and sat down at the kitchen table with her head down. Her ‘parents’ quickly noticed that she was looking even more pale than usual, something was seriously wrong with her. They didn’t know that her heart was breaking in two right there inside her chest. They only knew something was to be done before it was too late. They asked her again and again to tell them what was wrong, what ached, what she was feeling. Quietly she muttered that she was feeling dead, then walked to her room and collapsed on her bed. She fell asleep then, and dreamed only of her boy.

          In her dream she saw her mother and father. She knew it was them, just because in dreams you simply know these things. They told her that her boy was dying, he was very ill and wouldn’t recover. They showed her his hospital room, where he lay broken and near death. She gasped and cried and reached out to him, only to have her mother hold her back. Her mother grew wings right before her eyes, spreading them to block her. The mother of Nothing told her that she could save him, but it would cost her life. Nothing wanted to quickly agree, but she forced herself to ask what would happen to the both of them. Her mother showed her another scene. A young man, a broken winged angel sat at the bottom of a cold stone well in the middle of an abandoned graveyard. Her father explained that the well led to the gates of Hell, and that it was the fallen angel’s job to guard it forever. Her mother explained that the angel would trade her the life of the boy for her own, Nothing would be the fallen angel trapped at the bottom of the well, forever. The boy would live forever then, he would be immortal and never die. Nothing thought hard, then asked to speak to her boy. She wanted to know if this was what he wanted, to live forever. Her mother waved her wings and Nothing found herself in her boy’s hospital room. He gasped weakly and tried to get up, but he fell back down again. Nothing rushed to his side and stroked his hair gently. She asked him if he wanted to live forever, if he would mind. He smiled and whispered that he wanted to live as long as she did, he didn’t want to be a day without her. She smiled at him, kissed his forehead and lips, took his hands and kissed them too, stood back and promised that she would live forever too. He smiled again and agreed, if she was to live forever than he wanted to too. She smiled sadly and nodded, gently let go of his hands and walked back to where her parents were standing. She told him one last time that she loved him, and then the scene disappeared. She was once again in the graveyard, standing next to the fallen angel with broken wings. She kissed the handsome cheek of the fallen angel before he disappeared. Wings grew from her back as she sat down on the edge of the well, on the edge of grace itself. Her mother once again showed her the room of her boy. His vital signs grew stronger, he sat up and rang for assistance. A nurse walked in, dropped her paperwork, and gasped. She exclaimed that it was a miracle, he was completely cured. He smiled, the nurse smiled, and Nothing had to smile. Her boy was safe, she thought, her parents faded from view. Her wings gently carried her down into the well, where she sat in silence. The gates of Hell were right below her, but as far as she was concerned, her only thought was that her boy was safe.

          Nothing disappeared that day into the nothing she was named for. Her ‘parents’ went upstairs with a hired doctor to find her gone. The boy returned home, smile on his handsome face, to find her gone. Her ‘parents’ thought she had run away, and so the boy left home to find his angel. He searched all over the world, growing a little older but not really aging at all, considering his immortality. He began to mourn for his lost love before he remembered the dream he had in the hospital. Nothing had come to him in a dream, asking his permission to make him immortal. She promised that she was immortal too, so the boy was sure she was somewhere. All he had to do was find her.

          Nothing sat in the well day after day, twilight after twilight, singing to herself and watching the glowing moon overhead. She wasn’t sorry for what she had done, instead she was very proud of herself. Her boy was safe at last. She wished she could see him again though, a yearning so strong sometimes she did cry for him. Every so often she climbed out of the well, not leaving, but sitting on the edge and singing, sometimes even moaning softly in grief for him. Her tears never ended for him, sometimes she wondered if she would be crying forever until the whole world fell into the darkness that crept into her heart sometimes. She really was a fallen angel, fallen from the grace of her boy’s presence. She needed him with her, but she needed him to be safe more. She was being selfish, she told herself, he was safe and healthy and she was very happy. But what if he found another girl? She shook her head sadly, she had traded her soul for him, and he was safe. If he found another to take her place, she would still love him. She would love him forever, something she had promised with their exchanged vows of everlasting love by the same moonlight that flooded her tears now. She wished upon a passing shooting star that he would think of her, and she knew that he would.

          One night, days or years later she didn’t know, someone was singing in the graveyard, or were they crying? She looked up at the circle of black silk that was the nighttime sky above her, listening for the sound again. There was something about that voice…

          Suddenly her boy appeared overhead, so beautiful Nothing didn’t breathe at all. He looked down at her calmly. He quietly commented that she was not the easiest person to find, and she smiled and lightly laughed. He reached down for her, but she shook her head sadly and explained that she could never leave the well. She hid her sadness with a small smile, saying that if he wanted to find another, one that was free, she would understand. Her boy, or maybe now he was just the boy, looked thoughtful before turning his back and leaving her alone and cold in her prison. Tears streamed down her face as she murmured to herself that as long as he was happy, she was happy. She was very surprised when the boy jumped down the well and stood in front of her. He kissed her and her tears, whispering in her ear his vow of everlasting love. Nothing smiled and cried and laughed and kissed her boy, held him close to her heart as he promised to stay with her always, even if always was trapped in the well. Wings grew from his back when she told him she believed him, and so the two immortal fallen angels who had exchanged vows of everlasting love by the moonlight in whispers, danced around in blissful circles, kissed and held each other close because they never wanted to let go, these two angels who were completely and utterly in love, looked into each other’s eyes and saw the whole world and it was beautiful because they had each other finally… forever.