Non-Fiction Diary

She is in my thoughts when I wake, before I sleep, and during every idle moment while I am awake. She does not know. I didn’t want this feeling, it fell on me accidentally, I want it to end.

A few years ago I was happy, career perfect, engaged to my soul mate, good friends, great life. I was satisfied. My feelings are my own, how I act on my feelings will change my life.

I’ve had only one other event in my life as stifling, my career decision to stay in college and begin my professional career as an engineer. It was an emotional explosion of feelings, I often found myself on the beach at three A.M. screaming, what is the answer. I survived that life plateau, can I survive this life challange.

Now I feel the same struggle, why have I been punished with the feeling, why can’t I let go, where will this take me, how many people will I hurt?

My diary as I cross this ocean of life, love, and ultimate loss.

Friday, End of Summer

I sit listening to an alum I assembled with songs that express my feelings for her, the other woman. I gave her a copy, so not to expose myself, I ask for help to translate the Spanish songs. I know the answer, I love her, “Amar Completamente,” translated - to love completely. I am waiting impatiently for her to call and ask why? Why would I give this to her?

My answer, if honest will ruin my life, she will quit, causing the fall of my business, my fiancé would leave me, we would need to sell our house, our friends would disown me. I am weak with the answer. Can I survive this, does she love me too? I don’t think so. I imagine my life alone, a career failure, no family or friends that respect me.

If I never tell her, I will regret it the rest of my life. The regret now tears me apart, I can’t focus and I can’t love. I am in life limbo.

Someone is at the door I must go.