That Favorite Subject- Myself

That favorite subject, Myself. - James Boswell

If reincarnation is true, then I think I am either an old soul or a very young one, because I love life and am at peace with it-even when I am miserable. I find that I have more of a theory on the mechanics of the world than a philosophy. This is what I will write about, because inside of this theory is my philosophy. It explains my way of thinking, and how I try to live my life. This theory has two parts, which are almost completely unrelated to each other. To think of them as somehow related or connected would be like trying to fit two conflicting absolutes on the same plane. Also, these are thoughts that I have mused and worked on for years. They seem new and unique to me, but perhaps they are obvious to everyone, and I am voicing that which does not need a voice-like “water is wet.” These may also seem true only because of my own experiences, and they do not relate as nicely to anyone else. I can’t tell. I should also say that this is my personal opinion, and I never mean any offense.

First, people have evolved from lesser, dumber animals. Many aspects of our psyche are from that time when our survival was threatened at every moment. Fear and adrenaline, for example, were needed to avoid dangerous situations. In this day and age, when we feel secure most of our lives, those aspects tend to get in the way. They have become obsolete. Under that need to survive, there is the aspect we now pander to: the need for happiness. Everything we do is for the sake of happiness, except at times when our life is threatened and survival takes the wheel. This is “happiness” in the broadest sense – the same good feeling we get when we are excited, or at peace, or proud. Even those who are selfless are in pursuit of their own happiness: “I could never have lived with myself if I hadn’t helped you.” They are happy helping others. Myself, I am happy when others around me are happy. If there is a sad person in my group, my thoughts turn toward them. I overemphasize with them. I stubbornly want them to cheer up, if only so I could too.

There are two types of this happiness: happiness now, and happiness later. This is how people differ. Those with a stronger will work for future happiness, which is usually more rewarding. Those who are weaker-willed work for that easily attainable present happiness. Think of a drinker, a partier, a drug user. I am one of those weaker-willed types. It is very hard for me to do a difficult thing today for a better tomorrow. I bite my lip, I procrastinate on my homework, I allow the mess in my room to stalagmite. I think I will have a happy life anyway. I am a naturally happy and optimistic person. I think those of us are lucky who have a light mind that can sit around, contemplating the world. I have also never experienced any real pain or hardship; I have no weight on my soul. What could one contemplate, if one is born poor and hungry? That is a time when the struggle to survive outweighs any loftier needs for happiness.

I have a great wish to ease pain from those who feel it, but even if I had the power, I would not erase all pain. What kind of life would that be? Happiness and comfort are only so in contrast to pain and sadness.

The second part of my theory is this: everyone is born essentially the same. The only thing that separates us are the surroundings that mold us, and few genetic differences. A person is born and raised in Africa. He speaks Creole, he is raised in a small town, he is very poor his entire life. He then travels to America. When he learns English, he has a heavy accent because English words are hard to pronounce after a lifetime of speaking Creole. He finds life in America to be strange and alien, who are these people who abuse resources? How could anyone live like this? Now take this person and restart his life in America, where he is born and raised. He has no accent; he easily assimilates to American culture. He wastes food and water like any normal American. He may think of his heritage, but to him Africa is a distant place where his relatives once lived. He feels no real connection to it. This is an example that is backed by the proof of the millions of immigrants who call this country home. The circumstances of one’s birth is the most defining factor of one’s self. The only other defining factor are those traits one is born with-a dislike of spinach, an aversion to loud noises, and a strong will-these are all inherited characteristics. Even a monk who can hold a bow taught for hours, if raised as the spoilt child of rich parents, would be a lazy spoilt child.

Because I believe everyone is the same, I also disagree with the killing of others in foreign countries. Who am I to place my life above another’s? What is it that makes the lives of Americans more important than the lives of anyone else? It is true America is my country and I am an American. Nevertheless, I would feel just the same belonging and duty had I been born in France. I would be expected to follow my country. I almost wish our Government would hold a draft for women, so I could openly protest. I do not think any country has the right to make me kill, or place me in a situation where I must kill to survive. No one should ever have that power over anyone else. If I ever become President, I would probably use my four years to change the country’s relation with foreign countries as much as possible. If in my time as President Russia or some other nuclear power were to use their nuclear force against us, in those few seconds I would have, I would probably spare our attacker, so that at least someone would survive nuclear war.

This brings me to my theory of heaven. I am not sure of its existence. The idea of an afterlife seems more comforting than likely. Imagine being the only animal in the world that is self-aware. What a blindly terrifying thought, because this means also being the only animal that is aware of its own death, aware of nonexistence. With nothing known about life after death to build on, there is also nothing to contradict any wild, satisfying theory. And what does it even matter, what a person believes? If one really does cease to exist after death then there are no regrets. It is much better to live happily in belief. If there is a heaven, this is what I hope it would be: A soul or spirit is completely free of his body. I have always felt stuck looking out from my two eyes. I can only see what they are pointed toward. They will forever be at my height, looking out from my head. In heaven, this cumbersome body and its suppression of the senses are left behind. The senses have space to spread out and become ubiquitous. One also becomes omniscient-the life of not only yourself but of everyone else is remembered and experienced. Imagine your death had been brutal, at the hands of a serial killer. One would be able to see this killer’s entire life, and how it led to you. He suffered as a child, he could not tell reality from his psychosis, or he enjoyed killing and felt no regret-all of this would be forgiven. It is understood how this happened to you, and how even you would have acted as he had, given the same genetics and situation. One would also be forgiven of all wrongs. One would forgive and be forgiven. How peaceful this would be. All souls go to this heaven. All are forgiven because how could they have acted otherwise, given their specific circumstances?

And to what degree is a person responsible for his actions? The only differences between people are heritage and upbringing, and people’s individual actions are a result of this combination. They have no real power over themselves. One is spoiled because his parents spoiled him. One has ADD because he was born with it, or developed it without any help from his consciousness. One would have acted differently if his surroundings were different, but they are not. We have the concept that we make decisions free of influence, but these decisions depend on a million different factors. It is the chaos theory at work. Random decisions only appear random. If one decides spontaneously to take a quick walk, then he is exactly the type of person who, given the way he is feeling, would take a quick walk on the spur of the moment. If everyone is acting the one single way they would, then who is responsible for these actions? My parents raised me a certain way, and they did so in part because their parents raised them just so, etc…This connection stretches back to before we crawled from the ocean, before the Earth was formed. No one is truly responsible for their actions-he is only following an endless chain of events. The sense of responsibility one feels is a fabricated idea, created by humans. But it is not useless. Because one feels responsible, these decisions are influenced. Responsibility becomes a part of the circumstances of one’s actions. Knowing he could be punished, one acts accordingly. Without this responsibility and threat of punishment, the few people who are holding back would run amuck. Fake responsibility works just as effectively as the real thing.

My mind can be very confusing, even to me who has known it all my life. It seems that at one instant I think a certain way, and I have always thought that way, and it is the only possible way to think. Then less than a second later my thoughts are completely different. Things that were unimportant are now all that matter. The only way I make sense of it is by accepting all of it. Everything is reality, even those thoughts that conflict with each other. I think it is something like an idiot savant, only less so.