Divorce and Abused Children

This world, or rather, this system, was never meant for happy endings. Individuals, for example, seem to have been meant for failure in so many things. We feel like we're so strong as a person. Granted, some moments in life feel as though you have the perfect life, but it'll never last. There are always those moments that will beat us back to reality like a baseball bat on an ant. We feel like we have this great brick wall around our hearts that can protect us against all. What we don't see are the few bricks toward the bottom of our wall that we forgot to add, whether it was putting our trust in someone who would eventually turn or letting someone in who was only meant to hurt. It only takes one sad event of misplaced word to have our "strong wall" to come crashing down. Once that wall has fallen it could take years to build it back up again. What of the ones who don't or can't build again? What of the ones who are so weak from the devestating event to ever rebuild their wall? Are they meant to live the rest of their lives in total despair with their feelings rushing over them like water through a broken dam? Or are they destined to take matters into their own hands and end their suffering early? Many people have gone through with the latter by committing suicide or even just contemplating it. People in the world feel sorrow and sympathy for those victims that were so weak, but where were these mourners when the victim was going through their crisis? How come we all seem to pull together when tragedy strikes, but we're never there when we see the signs that are leading to the tragedy? Take abused children for an example. They grow up thinking that is how everyone's life is, that everyone's mommy or daddy beats them. "Oh, its just tough love or good disciplining" they said. These children don't know any better, but we as bystanders that see the bruising or the tears, or even the fallen self worth of a child should step in and help them. There are so many children who are scared to go home after school or try to find anything to do on the weekends so that they don't have to be home. Children can be abused too without it being directly at them. What of the children whose parents are constantly fighting? It affects the children too leaving bruises on their hearts and constant worry if their parents are going to split and leave them all alone. The constant yelling and verbal abuse can even scare children and cause them to be wary of love. Why? They constantly hear that 'when two people love each other, they get married.' If all they know of love is yelling and hatefulness then that is enough to make anyone leery of it. Adults tell themselves that they'll wait until the kids are grown to get a divorce so it won't be so hard on them. They don't realize that it most likely makes matters worse. Children grow up seeing the fighting and the hatred and it becomes part of everyday life. They think its all part of marriage and if they've put up with it for 20 or so years then nothing can tear their parents apart and they become comfortable. Then, one day after the child has grown up and moved away, possibly even starting their own family, they get a call from one of the parents saying that they just don't love the other anymore and they're leaving. It can completely dumbfound the child. Some people say they should've known it was coming because of how it was when the child was growing up, but you can never be prepared for this. Sure, you may have known it was coming, but if things have been going on all your life they become familiar and even normal on some levels. It doesn't matter if a child is 10 or 30 the splitting of parents is hard. What makes it even more gruesome is when the parents start pitting the children against the other parent especially when one is vidictive towards the other. Children can become confused or even frustrated because of the hatred or sneakiness of a parent towards their other. It can send stakes through a person's heart who is already fragile from the initial shock of the separation or divorce. Parents should explain their reasoning of the split to their children and then leave it at that. The problem is between the parents and the children should not be involved or used as a friend to lean on for either parent. Consider the example of a woman in her twenties. Her and her husband have been married a few years and have just found out they're pregnant. They're ecstatic. They invite everyone up one weekend for dinner to celebrate. The woman's parents seem to be doing just fine despite the occasional disagreement which the woman is use to. They were always fighting when she was growing up. The following Monday she goes for a checkup on the baby and afterwards receives a call from her dad saying the mother kicked him out and said she didn't love him anymore. The woman becomes very upset because she is all alone at hearing this news and because they seemed fine just the day before. As her pregnancy goes on, the fighting between her now separated parents becomes worse. The mother even sells the house and gets an apartment while the father resorts to living in a shed. The mother constantly turns down advances from the father trying to win her back but she just doesn't love him anymore. The mother talks down about the father to the children especially to the pregnant daughter. The daughter becomes so upset with everything that the husband actually fears for his wife and his unborn child on more than one occasion. The father constantly calls saying how much he loves the mother and how much she hurts him causing the daughter even more anguish. Then, one day the father breaks the news to his daughter that he's tired of being hurt and is givin gup on the mother. But wait, there's more. The mother confides to the daughter that she is going to seek a divorce. Now who in their right mind would confide all of these problems to their children, much less one that is pregnant, upsetting her to the point of possible miscarriage without a second thought. Thankfully, it didn't end that way. The baby was born healthy and happy. The mother of the baby however is racked with hurt and upset. She starts to question the sanctity of marriage and if it was all really worth it. The point of the matter and all of this is that parents should view their children as that....children. It's nice for a parent to spend time with their children and be a confidante to them, but don't turn the tables. Don't make the children your confidante, especially in matters that involve their other parent. Don't put them in the middle of something that is between you and your spouse. It would break any child's heart and crash their brick wall before it even had time to stand firm. So please be careful with what you confide in your children and children, when in need, seek help or even a friend to get away.