Are You Game? (How to play video games!)

Imagine this: You find yourself sitting at a television screen, watching a very peculiar show about a large ape throwing barrels down the side of a building; or an adventurer in a green nightcap, hacking at goblins; or even an Italian guy in a red suit traveling through pipes, eating mushrooms, breaking blocks, collecting coins, and stomping on bad guys. “Wait a second- That’s not a TV show!”, you hear yourself shout. Indeed, it is not a TV show. It is, in fact, better than any TV show you’ve ever watched, because in this TV show, you play the main character. How does it work? Allow me to instruct you on the fundamental rules of the ‘video game’.

First thing’s first. Whatever device or game system you have to play should have a power button, a restart button, two to four controller slots, a place to put the game cartridge or CD, and an eject button. Those with common sense will naturally know how this setup works. It has more gizmos than a toaster oven, but even a toaster oven can be easy to work if you use effort. If you somehow have no idea what you are doing, have your little brother or sister do it for you. For you only-child individuals out there, you’re on your own. There is no room for rookies on this side of the street, and it’s every person for them self.

Now we observe the mechanics behind your chosen system’s controller. Take a good hard look at your controller. Note that not all controllers are created equal. Some have a simple display of buttons, while others invest in a wide arsenal of options. In any case, you must be able to wield this weapon in order to make the most of your game. You will also notice that not all games are created equal either. The controls are different with each game and each world you enter, and it is your task to master their techniques. Reflexes, motor skills, and common sense play an essential part in your success, and will pave the way to victory in any game. If all else fails, do not be afraid to improvise on tactics.

So you understand what the buttons mean, but what about the game itself? … This is where champions are made, and rookies are tested. You will understand that all games have their own assortment of physics, their own objectives, their own clever designs, and in most really good games, their own storyline. Sometimes, the character you play is simply a pixilated symbol on the screen. At other times, it’s a lean mean wrecking machine with all the stops and details from every angle of his/her physical self, including a memorable background story. … Sometimes, you are not a character at all. Indeed, there are some games where you are simply an invisible entity who builds cities, controls little people, sends them to war, and ultimately, plays God. Unfortunately, those games are better off being self-taught and experimented with. In this ‘how-to’ manual, we deal with the one-on-one action between you and your game’s character.

You started, you watched the opening screens, and now you’re entered the game. In some games, you are lucky enough to have instruction on how to play. For those that do not, allow me to enlighten you on some important tips. If you ever find your character in an area that seems difficult to navigate though, take a look around. There will always be a way to get yourself out of a predicament, whether its by problem solving, returning to the place once you have the item you are looking for, or randomly hitting buttons. Perhaps even more important is being aware of any bad guys. If you see a little creature that is bumping into your character and causing them to blink awkwardly, that is known as a bad guy, and you should have your character move away. If it is not leaving you alone, then either pull out a weapon, jump on the creature, or return to randomly hitting buttons. All bad guys can be defeated. If it cannot be defeated, that is not your fault, but the programmers. Eventually, once you defeat the enemy, you will gain a prize of either coins, experience points, nifty items, or a higher score.

If for some reason, your character is hurt enough and his image expires, resulting in a rather blank looking screen with grim looking letters and a sad melody playing in the background,… that is called a ‘Game Over’. When this happens, your character, theoretically, has died, and the world it lived was but a faint memory. This is a bad thing. But do not panic! This simply means that you have to start over the game, or continue from your last save spot.

Eventually, you will adapt to the idea of slaying bad guys and staying alive as much as possible. You will also realize that your score, experience points, or items have accumulated to an amount that should make you proud of your so far success. However, there is one final thing you must be wary of. Fighting bad guys is one thing, but soon, you will come across a certain particular bad guy who succeeds in either taking up the whole screen, putting up a very difficult battle, calling on smaller bad guys, or all the above. This bad guy is known as the ‘boss’. Take a minute to humorously compare this tyrant to the kind of boss you know from your job, and then proceed into combat. Doing this usually gives you a boost in your morale when fighting this abomination. Yet, what is even more effective is to keep a close eye on this beast and study his pattern, so that you know when and where to strike him the hardest. Usually, defeating bosses can get you a wonderous amount of goodies, if not simply a feeling of satisfaction and a pat on the back.

Almost all of the time, you are allowed to proceed with the game, unless you encounter the final boss of the game. It is not coincidence that the final boss is the hardest and most ruthless combatant you will meet. This wicked devil can keep you up for hours trying to defeat it. Sometimes, you are left with the shame of never beating him, and are forced to abandon your efforts, but as you gather all that you have learned and discovered in your adventure of gaming, you can gain enough of a superiority complex to overcome this personal Beezlebub of yours. Defeating him crowns you the champion and the glory of conquering the game itself. By far, it is the ultimate goal in any game.

Now, my good friend, you possess the knowledge of a thousand players before you. With this, you will be able to join the rest of us on our ever going struggle for riches and glory in worlds that don’t even compare to real life. You might think that striving for such things is a waste of time, but just as no game is created equal, they are endowed by their programmer with certain unalienable rights, and among these are entertainment, prestige, and the pursuit of happiness.